Cw: almost homeless, POCD confessions, brief mentions of childhood trauma (outsider's perspective?), brief r*ach and b*dbug infestation mention as well as a lack of food and money 🌸 I finally told my closest friends (mostly online except for the other two) about the ocd i suffer the most from. I was mostly worried of being thrown out by a certain friend and their partner, as they're my current roommates who had taken me and my partner in, (who is now my ex, but we're doing great as friends) seeing as we would've been homeless if they hadn't. I grew up a sheltered kid and left when I was 20 (will be 22 later in the year) with my ex. They on the other hand, were spit out headfirst into adulthood young, so our mental ages are pretty spaced apart, meaning I don't really know much about the real world and am always having to ask him for help on knowledge-based things. So, back on topic... I opened up to my closest online friends I've known for years about my pocd. One of my very closest ones responded in an understanding way; they said they still loved me and go through it similarly, just not as often. The others I believe hadn't seen it yet, so I'm awaiting their reply,, I'm glad I'm not alone- I mean, ofc I know people here suffer the same thing, but it's calming to know that someone close to me that I know personally feels the same way. My ex, close friend, and now roomate have let me know they briefly suffer the same agonizing thoughts I do from time to time, though mine have been more frequent growing up. My trauma, a brief explanation: I (9y?) was in the same bed my dad was in when he did things to my mom in a nonconsensual way, he didn't care when he found out I was there, from what I can remember... I believe I may have false memories with him as well. I dont believe he was predatory, my thoughts are mixed on this. That, and I also heard couple of years later when I must've been around 12, that my friend's younger little sister (6y) was possibly doing things to my own even younger little sister. I was upset at her and resented her, still to this day (before moving out ofc) I rarely spoke to her when I visited my friend, minimized contact. I really can't get over it, even though ik she was just a child herself and didn't know any better... --- I'm not going into detail over it, but I started to wean myself off of fictional digital content years ago (like reading stories where I was the minor in a s,xual scenario) I've relapsed since then; the most recent one being a month ago (last placed we stayed at was with a friend of my ex's- there was almost little to no food for us, we often went days where we'd only have 1 small meal, and in the place before that, moved in w his friend who had a huge roach and bedbug infestation). Im going to try not to leave anything out, as its currently 1am and im rlly tired lol,,- My roomate friend gave me advice; both their partner and my ex have said they don't believe I could be capable of harming (I know I won't either, still the anxiety has a gorilla grip hold over my thoughts /lh) and that they still love and care for me. They've offered suggestions to help as well as some tasks/homework i need to do , like install an app called the 'trevor project?' and not go towards that content of any kind- to find a distraction as well as speak to a therapist. Im so glad they have my back,, I think this is all for now, thank you