Anyone else feel like a thought is screaming at them so hard to admit that it’s right after being triggered by a thought or image and you kind of do but then also know it’s not true in the way it was trying to mean it to be? And you were only saying it/thinking it to make it go away? And also sometimes don’t know what’s real and what’s not? I hate myself.

I know the solution is to always say “yeah that could be true, but I am choosing to live my life anyway.” However, I feel like my biggest issue is my brain always assuming that it is immediately true when I do that. Like if I say “maybe I’m attracted to teenagers, it’s possible,” then my brain INSTANTLY starts rationalizing that thought and defending it and being like “oh okay so you think this now and it makes sense because xyz, and now that’s who you are and your real desire is now and always will be teenagers.” I feel really alone in this area of feeling like my brain “accepting the thoughts” means my brain immediately accepts them as true. I obviously don’t want to think they’re true but I feel so stuck now.

i saw a trigger. and immediately imagined something se&ual that i really dislike and dont want. and now i feel horrible, because even if i didnt like it, i still imagined it. yes, it was an egodystonic intrusive image, but the moment i saw the trigger i knew i was going to have an intrusive image, i could have blocked it, i could have tried, but instead it happened automatically, the same type of se&ual image that is the same specific kind for any trigger, just now i was thinking abt it and it immediately appeared in my head. i dont know how much control do i have in it, because as i think abt it, it gets automatically visualized, but i'm the one who still gives the imput. i wonder how much responsibility do I have in this. because the unwanted image is sudden and automatic, but is like im conceding, im allowing it, like giving it up. it's some kind of self sabotage, it's not ocd creating the intrusive images, it's me imagining automatically and immediately once I see a threat what i don't want to think because i'm so used to, to sabotage myself and it feels horrible, especially if the trigger is a real person. it's like self sabotage. im not receiving passivly, im somehow actively thinking it automatically, i don't know how to explain it. i think abt how can't look at their parents eyes because they would be disgusted by me. no parent would be okay if someone had such images of their triggers even though it was intrusive and unwanted. and that feels defeating.

So I’ve had it really bad blasphemy thoughts against god and the Holy Spirit but lately I’ve been ha these thoughts they say I do mean them even though I don’t and I’ve been feeling really weird like yesterday I felt really disconnected and it kept trying to make me say I meant the thoughts, but I don’t and I’ve just been trying to keep the thoughts away, but they’re so loud. I know the truth, but it’s just like so hard to keep them away with the images and stuff still there. It’s like I’m having a hard time being emotional so it’s like I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing it for real when I’m not and I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want God to harden in my heart. It’s very hard for me to even look at Christian things at all without saying something that.