I can’t take it anymore I was never particularly religious but I’ve been driving myself to a breaking point. I keep breaking down and crying because every single daily activity takes so much energy out of me because of these OCD things that my brain makes me do. Anything I hear, see, or think of that is negative to Christianity makes me stop what I do and restart it such as walking into a room or picking something up or getting into my car. If I feel A stimulation in a body part that I deem negative while thinking of something positive religiously it also makes me want to restart or apologize even though I’m not really doing anything wrong I simply noticed a body part on my self. I have intrusive thoughts about negative Christian things, and even though I know they’re intrusive thoughts and they don’t mean anything because I don’t want them there they still bother me a ton. If I see anything such as numbers that I deem negative or anything that the church would disapprove of such as the opposite of Jesus or the opposite of Heaven I am terrified and I feel the need to correct it by either seeing a cross or a picture of Jesus, or writing words such as “Heaven” or “Jesus” in my phone and looking at them, or by asking for forgiveness. I never particularly followed the faith to an extreme, I never really went to church a ton, but I did pray at home for the last two or three years. In the last two months have been this awful OCD stuff. There’s plenty of stuff that I know isn’t wrong, and is natural such as masturbation and sex. Even though I have participated in stuff like this before, and I want to again, I’ve been terrified to do anything as of late by myself, or with my girlfriend. I don’t think these things are inherently wrong but since the faith does I’ve been terrified. I’m terrified with every single thing I do and I’m terrified that I won’t be forgiven if I do any sexual acts, because “I know they’re wrong and I would proceed to do them anyway” so why would I be forgiven. I have not felt calm in two months even though I did start some therapy, I feel like any advice from my friends family or the therapist has not worked and doesn’t stick in my brain because I am too scared. I just want to enjoy my life but I can’t. I feel like I’m hyper aware of too many things and I’ve been noticing anything that I could deem positive or negative religiously in the world. I don’t particularly want to be religious, I’d much rather just be a casual Christian who just believes in the good Christian Holy Trinity, gives thanks and prays on occasion from home, and lives a normal life where I don’t stress about these things, but I’m so scared that I would be doing something wrong by doing that. I have constant headaches and try to avoid doing anything because every single action takes a ridiculous amount of OCD tasks. I’ve been drained of all my energy I have no motivation to work out or do anything I enjoyed before because I’m terrified. My sex drive has diminished due to fear, and I’m not even in the mood for that stuff (I’m only 18). The only thing that brings me some sort of comfort is the fact that many people believe that many rules and Christianity were added in later in order to support some peoples ideals, but I’m still scared. I am a good person, I don’t do anything wrong I think outside of sexual acts, and I try my best to aid people in my daily life. Most people have a positive opinion on me and consider me a good person as well. But I’m just so scared and drained and just don’t know what to do anymore.

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?

My religious OCD is having a field day with Christianity. I grew up Catholic, although we were the type of family who only really went to church on holidays. It was just a knowing of our belief in Jesus, and trying to live morally good lives. Knowing that Jesus died for our sins. Then my OCD latched onto the idea of “willful sinning”, knowing something is a sin but doing it anyway. I am not a saint. I swear, I engage in sexual activity, I tell white lies occasionally, drink alcohol occasionally…. Much less than the typical person. I know these things are sins according to the bible. I feel like I do decently well and am a decently good person. But my OCD has decided that because I don’t 100% align with the teachings of the bible, I must be going to Hell. The worst part is I don’t even entirely feel guilty, which makes me feel like I’m just truly evil and want these things. No amount of reassurance feels like enough, it feels like unless God told me directly himself that I’ll never be able to let this go. I’m getting frustrated with religion, and with myself. It feels like no answer is right. You would think the fear would drive me into being a perfect person, but its not, and what OCD deems as “perfect” feels impossible to attain. What am I supposed to do? How can you feel peace with God, while you’re also supposed to fear Him? I feel like I’m not good enough for Him, and never will be.