Can’t hold down food. Taking my lorazepam on top of my other meds so that I don’t have the post breakup panic attacks I’ve been getting in the morning and also so I have an appetite. I am being careful with my dosing so I don’t become dependent but I’m afraid I’ll need the benzos long term. This breakup was like the final straw in my mental health. I got back up so many times after trauma and I just get knocked back down even harder. How many more lessons do I need to learn in life before happiness comes? I’m currently on short term disability from work for mental health but I can’t even imagine myself going back right now. I can’t even handle doing a simple zoom call with colleagues.

I have hold back my tears . I’m trying so hard to play it off. I can’t think about it anything without on the verge of falling apart . I have no self control over my mind . I’m scared. Is this a psychosis . I have barely eaten in days . My stomach is growling but I have no appetite. Idk what’s going on . Normally if I have a rough week I can fight it but I can’t fight it this time. My biggest fear is loosing my bf. I’m spending the day with him and all I can do it think about what’s gonna happen when I leave .

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.

So having not even made headway yet with sessions with my latest therapist (not NOCD) she has just left me hanging saying I’ve got too anxious and I need to increase my Remeron before she continues with me and won’t even give me a date to start again……… I don’t really want to increase my meds as it was what she was saying to me in therapy that upset me, or is it really supposed to get worse before it gets better? My career that I worked so hard for is literally hanging by a thread and her doing this to me means I have to stay off work longer and I’m just really upset by her actions and the potential knock on effects of this 😢