Wtf do I even do?

I’m 21. The 3 year anniversary of my graduation from high school is soon. Lately, I’ve been worried about where I’m going in life and if it’s even worth it because I don’t know why I exist or what my purpose is After graduating I lost a new job I loved due to poor management on my boss’s side, they failed to teach me my job then fired me for it, and moved from my mom’s house into my dads house due to issues with my stepdad, both of which put me into a depression. I got a new job 3 months later. But ever since being fired and moving out, I feel like I’ve been in a depressive cycle of Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. I’ll get home and doomscroll for hours, and occasionally play games with friends at nights. Occasionally I’ll do my hobbies but usually feel guilty for it. I don’t see my friends and family nearly as much as I used to. I want to, but it feels like everything I want to do, my intrusive thoughts find a way to keep me at home. “It’s a waste of time.” “You need to be productive on your time off or you’ll go nowhere in life so stay home.” But then if I stay home it’s “you need to go out and do something.” “You’re being unproductive sitting at home all day.” “Seeing them wont make you feel better, you’ll never be happy” My girlfriend lives 6 hours away and is usually the only time I’d go outside and live and feel in the moment, but even then I’d feel guilt. I feel like my OCD makes me feel guilty for everything. She’s helped me a lot, but lately we’ve had a few issues we’ve worked past that made me fear for losing her too. I’ve felt depressed for years now. Before being fired, I usually felt pretty good and was almost normal feeling. I’d had control over my fears and intrusive thoughts of suicide and the meaning of life, and had accepted them and wasn’t afraid. I knew it wasn’t me. But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of this depressive cycle, and it’s made my OCD and fears of suicide and if life has meaning, come right back. I’m handling it slightly better, but it’s still hard. I just want to move past this and stop questioning why I’m even doing anything, if I want to end it all, when I know for certain I don’t want to and that I get to make my own meaning in life. I have dreams, I want to get back into art. I want to move in with my girlfriend eventually and start a family. But my OCD makes me so scared to even try to make art, and it makes me so scared I won’t be happy or content with my dreams. I feel so alone and sad. I feel like life will pass me by while I’m stuck feeling this sad and scared. It sucks, but I’m trying my best to get there. Gotta keep moving

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

I'm just venting, but everything is feeling so overwhelming lately. Every day, I still find myself checking on my ex. I know it sounds obsessive, but it’s not coming from a weird or stalkerish place. It just feels like I never got closure, and I’m stuck in this loop. I read that “closure is a choice, not a conversation,” and I try to believe that—but part of me still needs to know what he’s doing, like it gives me some weird sense of closure, even if it’s just temporary. And I hate that I’m like this. On top of that, I’ve been wanting to see my Pap, who is in the hospital in pretty severe condition but I never have time because I’m always working. My job is stressful. I try so hard, but my grooms don’t turn out the way I want, and I just feel like I’m failing. Then there's my financial situation—my car payment is $713 a month, plus insurance and other bills. I can’t save at all. Thankfully my mom pays the rent, but she constantly holds it over me and threatens to kick me out. It’s never felt stable at home, and now it’s worse. Lately, my childhood trauma is resurfacing, and it’s affecting everything—my friendships, any chance of a relationship, even my bond with my pets. I feel like I’m falling apart, and when I finally get in bed at night, I just feel hopeless. I look around and see people I went to school with thriving, and I feel so far behind. I used to feel ahead because I was already handling adult responsibilities, but now it feels like I’m stuck while everyone else is moving forward. I’m losing control of my emotions—randomly lashing out, struggling with anger—and I can’t afford therapy or even regular doctor visits. Sometimes I can’t even afford groceries, and it’s frustrating because I work hard and still feel like I’m drowning. I just want a simple, peaceful life: a modest home, a normal car, a stable routine. I want a support system. I want to feel connected like my friends Jessica and Ashley, but I don’t. It’s just me, but it’s still lonely. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get anything right. Like I’m always doing something wrong in someone’s eyes, and I have no one to turn to for help.