So today I said to my dad "it's not easy being me." And he, very nicely and conversationally, replied "it's not easy being anyone. Eveyone has problems." I replied: "I know, but I have the same problems as everyone else, AND my crazy problems." He seemed to get something he hasnt before, in the past 12 years I've been in recovery. But do you guys think I'm right? Everyone does have struggles, and they're not all the same. My mom has said to me in the past "if it weren't [OCD], it would be something else." Any thoughts on this? I guess I'm really asking if there is neurotypical privilege lol

Trigger Warning My theme that I struggle with most is that I am developing schizophrenia. I wanted to share this anecdote with everyone in case someone is dealing with family/friends who do not understand what it is like to have OCD. One of the most effective ways for me to manage my OCD is to use humor to deal with it. Often times I will make jokes about it and recently a family member said, “you like having OCD, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t talk about it so much”. What he does not understand is that on the days I am able to laugh at my OCD I am so grateful because on other days all I want to do is lay in bed and worry about having schizophrenia. I didn’t know how to reply to that in the moment, but I want to say to him now is that the reason I make jokes about it is because some days it feels so real and I spend my day: Keeping track of every car in the rear view mirror to make sure that they are actually there and not hallucinations. Plugging my ears with my fingers to make sure that I am not hearing voices. Telling myself that if I have to carry a tray without dropping it to prove I do not have schizophrenia. Going over in my mind overtime I misspeak to try and figure out if it was just a mistake or if it was because I was going crazy and was speaking nonsense. Being very careful while typing because if I make a mistake it might mean I have schizophrenia. Lying in bed until five in the morning reading about schizophrenia. Thinking that if I can’t fall asleep by a certain time it means that my sleep schedule is being affected by schizophrenia. Trying to not look at any buildings where a person with schizophrenia may be treated. Constantly checking my emotions to see if I have them or if I lost them because I might have schizophrenia. Frantically searching for a sound that I heard to make sure it wasn’t a hallucination. Searching for something I may have seen out of the corner of my eye because it might have been a hallucination. Thinking that every time I have an itch it’s actually a tactile hallucination Spending hours thinking about wanting to die if I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Putting my ear on machinery to make sure that I didn’t think that it was talking to me. Everyday looking up percentages and data and calculating them over and over again to calculate the likelihood that I will develop schizophrenia. Spend my day thinking if I actually am enjoying my activates or if I’m faking it because I actually have schizophrenia. Convincing myself that my food is poisoned because that is what a schizophrenic would think. Going over common schizophrenic delusions and checking to see if I believe them too. I am sure that a lot of people in this group struggle with this theme. Even though a lot of people think that OCD is just washing your hands a lot or organizing, know that I know how you feel and I have gotten through the worst of it.

Sometimes, when I have long periods of low trigger days, I feel like maybe I don't have OCD. Then I have a couple weeks like I'm having now, just to remind me that it's no fluke. I know life isn't fair. I'm just trying to figure out how it could have turned so wrong. There's no OCD on my family, other than myself. I have some cousins with bipolar, but that might have come from the other side of their family. No direct line above me. It really really sucks.

I won’t lie; living off your baby-step progress is really hard. It’s not easy to achieve this in the first place, as it takes a lot of strength to do it. And knowing that these are just the most menial, basic things that a person does and are so difficult for you can be so hard at times. Life really does become quite small when you’re so consumed by this. Never mind the fact that you aren’t able to do the other tasks that need your attention and that your thoughts and mind are just rotting away.  Real-Event OCD has definitely been the worst of my subtypes, even though I’ve had a horrible and rough time with my other subtypes as well. They’re all really difficult to deal with, but I was able to bask in the support that I received as it wasn’t something that I sought for myself. I didn’t ask for it, but I had to deal with it, so it was definitely easier to receive support from others. But knowing with Real Event, it’s all my fault and mistake is something I find really hard to accept and move on from. The shame and guilt are overwhelming. Wishing you could change things that can no longer be changed is so painful. Like many of you, I struggle with the thought that this isn’t my OCD, and I’m using it as a coverup to move on, which has been really difficult to deal with. The certainty just isn't there. I definitely feel strongly that I’m unique in my situation, so I definitely deserve this. And no one can relate to this here since I'm the exception. But I still sit with it and try to move on, as I won’t know. I try to say maybe or maybe not to it. It’s not easy. It’s on my mind every day, and I feel miserable even if I don’t show it. But I know deep inside that I want to strive to be a better person every day and to be compassionate with others. So that I can live for myself and my loved ones and be a positive influence on society. Right now, I’m not able to help people or others in the ways that I want, since I’m not in a place where I’ve helped myself enough to be able to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach that place since it feels so far away from me. But I will never know. All I have is my present. And while I'm not able to make huge, great changes out of it. It's enough that I exist in the now. So I want to tell all of you who are struggling and are having a hard time in recovery that it's okay. At times we won't have the greatest of moments, but it's okay since you exist and matter, and that's enough in that moment. You can pick yourself back up and carry on like you always do. These are all moments of power and strength that you radiate with. It's hard now, and maybe it won't be that way in the future, but be kind to yourself for pushing through and taking a break when you have to. Dealing with all of these things can be really exhausting, so just be kind to yourself, like you would be to others.