Sexual Orientation Related OCD

I am here because I have no friends who I can talk to about my intrusive thoughts. It has come to a point where it is all I can think of 24/7 from the moment I wake until I go to bed. The thoughts persist no matter the time of day, just at different volumes. In some instances, I can focus and do the tasks that are needed at hand while having the thoughts as background noise, and other times it feels like they get so loud I can't focus on anything else. OCD has taken over my life, my friends, and now I feel like my sanity is slowly leaving my body. I tried doing ERP today, which typically works during my sessions, but it felt like I gave up. I went into ruminating and googling and stopped until I physically could not take the overwhelming amount of anxiety. My thoughts centered around my sexuality. What if I am gay? What if I am forcing my relationship with my fiance? What if I never loved him? What if I faked everything? What if me being distanced - physically and emotionally mean I am gay? What if I am using OCD as an excuse? What if my mom was right? (she would always tell me growing up that God told her I was gay). With ERP, I was trying to watch TikToks of this woman who considers herself a "late-blooming lesbian" meaning she had been married to a man and had a child before she came out. I tried to lean into the anxiety but my brain just started instantly comparing, spiraling, ruminating...Sometimes I would reassure myself and sometimes I would question why I didn't feel anxious for a second (that it meant it was true). When I first went into ERP, I did not think about how difficult it was just to simply say "maybe so, maybe not." Very Brief Background: My mother has very chronic and untreated paranoid Schizophrenia which consists of delusions (made-up thoughts like government going after her or Johnny Depp loved her) and hallucinations (visual perception that is not there - seeing demons, dead people, usually she would attach spirituality into things she saw). Anyways she would say I was a lesbian and that she needed to keep me away from my sister because God told her I was capable of terrible things. I grew up confused and remembered my mom making fun of me whenever I would be vocal about having a crush on a guy...she would tell me I was faking it and in denial. I think this most definitely has led me into the position I am in today.

AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 3y

Hey thank you for the reply! I believe that OCD comes from a combination of environmental factors and genetics but I will say that I have been able to see firsthand how environment has affected the way I think things. I see huge similarities in my mother’s pattern of thinking and how I perceive the world and how I think. Also my mother had very much, I don’t know if it was OCD but definitely OCD tendencies where she would clean something over and over and over again and I remember the smell of bleach whenever I went into my house and how there was always pattern of thinking where she would put a lot of significance in the littlest things. Example, if she came across a dark butterfly then it meant something bad would happen. I always excused it as superstition and maybe it is to a degree but I remember her taking those things (things that happened to her daily) and take it to an extreme and would rule over her life.

Sp1999

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I relate to the sexuality ocd part, i dont have a great relationship with my mom, i believe the ive seen and been through have caused ocd but i never knew. Im 22 and my girlfriend struggles with me and this stuff. My mom used to scream at the walls and stuff

cc97

Date posted: 3y

I’m am so sorry to hear that you went through that with your mom, that sounds so traumatic. If it makes you feel better (or less alone) I understand the constant intrusive what if thoughts about sexuality and the relationship as well. Additionally Tik tok has been super triggering for me too with the late bloomer lesbians and comphet videos.

AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 3y

You are so not alone! It’s easy to think we are alone because it’s not everyday that we meet someone with OCD (let alone someone who has PureO - since it’s hard to tell when compulsions aren’t visible). It just it’s a lot because I constantly go into so many cognitive distortions (catastrophizing, going into magical thinking and then black and white thinking). I think the biggest thing though is how real it all feels. Like what if I get convinced one day and then walk away from my relationship, my family, it’s horrible!

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

I need help.

First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymouscookie

Date posted: 14w

so ocd and bisexuality

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.

Chlem11

Date posted: 8w

Sexual Orientation OCD

I have a lot of trouble with my sexuality. I’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality for years. I’ve dated a man, and I wasn’t really into the whole time. And since then I’ve thought that maybe I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women, which I know for sure. But then my brain spirals, I constantly think back ti memories with my ex, how I felt with him, I check how it makes me feel. I often google to see if other lesbians have felt similar, I ask ChatGpt over and over again. I feel like I have to be 100% certain or that im faking for attention, or thst I’ll end up with a man. I guess im wondering has anyone else felt like this ? What’s been your experience how do you manage it?

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Sexual Orientation Related OCD

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