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Username: Scooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

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Am I experiencing SO OCD about my sexuality since childhood?

Undiagnosed SO OCD since childhood?

I'm starting to believe I have had SOOCD since childhood. I remember having thoughts since as early as 7 that felt bad and wrong and made me sad and worried. Thoughts of being bisexual or lesbian still make me so unhappy and uncomfortable, but they also feel so deeply ingrained in me that I have a hard time knowing what my sexuality is. I felt forced to accept the fact that I was bisexual when I was an adult, even though it made me sad, but is that even true? Is dealing with this since childhood really just denial? Am I just gay? Or is ALL of it a lie and I'm straight? Maybe I'm asexual, and am not attracted to anyone? I can't sort it out in my head, my heart is breaking- my wonderful fiance has been so careful and kind as I process what is going on. Now the idea of having sex or attraction to ANYONE of any gender makes me panic and cry. He is so patient, but he doesn't deserve this, he deserves better than my panic attacks and doubt. Has anyone else had a theme since childhood? How have you sorted what IS real from what is NOT real, now that you know you have OCD?

Username: OCD33OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I have had this theme since I was a child. I am now 27 and engaged to my fiancé. I didn’t know it was ocd up until 2 years ago

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

I am so sorry you suffer too, but I am so relieved to know I am not alone.

Username: OCD33OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Scooterino I’m so sorry you suffer as well. At times it can be completely debilitating. Mine has gotten better since starting Prozac and doing erp. Have you done therapy?

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

@OCD33 Medications made things worse but I have preexisting health conditions. I did have ERP and now I'm doing EMDR. Things have got much better with other, newer themes but my SO OCD seems to linger.

Username: OCD33OCD33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Scooterino I’m sorry :( keep fighting the good fight. You are stronger than you’re ocd. SOOCD is hard and it’s my one theme that seems to never go away as well

Username: S.verv20S.verv20

Date posted: 2y ago

In my life I had soocd for a long long long time and very often my brain tells me it’s true because of it, I also had ROCD for a good year and a little bit of magical thinking but when I’m with my boyfriend I obsessed with the kissing like each time that we gave each other a kiss I’m like did I like it, and etc and I wonder if someone have advice because it’s giving my soocd proof and like I’m never 100% in the moment

Username: S.verv20S.verv20

Date posted: 2y ago

WoW same, it’s nice to see that I’m not the only one

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

I think the best thing about this app is knowing we aren't alone ❤️

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

Totally understandable. I've dealt with all the OCD themes in one form or another. The longest running is Sexual Orientation OCD and the most devastating was TOCD. But without the TOCD I never would have sought help and I never would have known that my constant fear and sexual thoughts since I was young were also OCD. I'm so grateful to have the help and recourses, without them I would surely be very hopeless and single and hating myself for my inability to understand my own sexual identity.

Username: isabeau.isabeau.

Date posted: 2y ago

That’s so great to hear! I’m seeking help as well. If you don’t mind, could you share some lessons/ideas/affirmations you’ve learned in dealing with TOCD? Assuming the theme isn’t bothering you as much anymore? I worry this will never end and I’ll never be happy, whether in dealing with OCD or in being wrong about my identity.

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

I think the biggest thing I learned that gave me the most peace was that if I really wanted to be Trans, I could just go do it, right now. And that when I gave myself permission to do it, I never did it... Because I didn't want to. If I wanted to, I would. I'd just act on my thoughts and go do these things my brain tells me I should. But I won't, because in the end, I really don't want to.

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

As far as TOCD affirmations, I was reminded that no one gets to tell me what gender is and looks like. If I want to be a woman, but I don't want to have breasts anymore, that's okay. If I don't want to change my appearance at all and identify as a man, that's okay. If I want to be nothing, nobody, without gendered clothing/hair/pronouns... Okay. That's all my choice. You don't have to be or feel feminine to be a woman. You simply have to choose that womanhood for yourself.

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

@Scooterino I often told myself "I exist right now. I exist, and I don't need to have a gender or feel gendered or know my gender to exist. I simply exist." It was helpful, to remember that there doesn't have to be an answer. Or to say "today, I choose womanhood, and I do not need to feel feminine to be a woman."

Username: isabeau.isabeau.

Date posted: 2y ago

@Scooterino oh wow, thank you!! that’s super helpful. i’ve been so occupied with feeling the right way or finding certainty *immediately* but that can never happen. i appreciate your response, best of luck to you in your ocd journey ❤️

Username: S.verv20S.verv20

Date posted: 2y ago

I have a question for you?

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

Yes! What is your question?

Username: S.verv20S.verv20

Date posted: 2y ago

@Scooterino Did you had pause where the thoughts were not there or you were good ?

Username: ScooterinoScooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

@S.verv20 I have had periods of 3 months to a full year where it went away, yes! But it always seems to come back.

Username: doloresguppiesdoloresguppies

Date posted: 2y ago

@S.verv20 I worry because my thoughts will “go away” for a few months but they’re still there in my head, they never really go away. It’s like I’m always on the lookout for evidence even if it’s not at the front of my mind

Username: S.verv20S.verv20

Date posted: 2y ago

@doloresguppies Yes I can relate.. it’s been a hell of a week for me … a lot of stress because of this thing like comphet and everything

Username: isabeau.isabeau.

Date posted: 2y ago

Yes for sure. Rn my big theme is gender ocd and it's been going on for about 4-5 years. As a kid I struggled with femininity and feeling like I was adequate as a woman. I enjoyed this identity but felt like I wasn't feminine enough or pretty enough, basically grappling with everything that women are told in society to make them feel inadequate. I also was a late bloomer of sorts, so l didn't truly realize my attraction to men until like late middle school. Luckily this is when my TOCD started (like half a year later) so I never got to fully explore my attraction to men without also feeling the need to test if I would want to BE one. And now it sucks because it feels like they go hand in hand, since it's become such a habit and so intertwined with the development of my sexuality. I wish I could just like men in peace without the gender ocd that it can sometimes spark. It’s like I’ve associated attraction and gender because the ocd theme and attraction developed at similar times in my life. I’m worried they’re just inseparable now ugh.

Username: OCDeezeNuts

Date posted: 1y ago

Bisexual OCD?

I feel so many discussions of SO-OCD revolve around (mostly) straight identifying people fearing they are gay, or the reverse. But has anyone who identifies as bisexual or queer experienced SO-OCD? I am a woman married to a man, and while my sexual orientation has been reasonably fluid since I was in my teens, I have consistently felt a preference for men, and never felt the need to put a label on my identity (including straight) - and I’ve never hidden the fact that I’ve had flings with women. About three years ago I had the “brain broke” moment where I suddenly out of nowhere thought: “I am bisexual, I have been masquerading as straight since I’m married to a man, and I have to come out to everyone I know.” It was all I could think about. The fact that I felt shame accompanying it made me fear that I might be using the term bisexual to cover up the fact that I was actually gay. It particularly messes with my head because OCD is characterised as “unwanted” thoughts, but actually I am occasionally attracted to people of other genders, so these thoughts are not always unwanted. Which makes me wonder whether I am just in denial, and I don’t have OCD at all? And thus the cycle continues… Would just love to hear from anyone else if they relate to this!

Username: shopgirl

Date posted: 1y ago

SO-OCD memories

Lately my SO-OCD latches on to the things I did or paid attention to as a child. I don’t remember having a celebrity crush until I was like 11 or 12 and I was kind of choosey about it. I was super boy crazy for boys I knew and boys my age, but my brain ignores that a lot. It also latches on to how as I child I paid a lot of attention to women in movies more, especially how their bodies looked. I always wanted boobs, so I have memories of times where I was hyperfixating on chests in movies and the media and my OCD is telling me it was because it turned me on a kid. Makes me feel weird and confused. I struggled with this theme as a young child, and didn’t struggle with it until the beginning of this year and it’s been hard to shake. If anyone feels similarly I’d like to hear what your childhood experience with this is like, or at the very least bring some more awareness to how this theme can mess with your head and make you question your memories.

Username: gp

Date posted: 46w ago

SOOCD - real or not?

I’m in a really bad panic at the moment re my ocd. I’m trying so hard to accept the thoughts/feelings and accept how real and true it all feels, despite the panic and anxiety. I read somewhere that you can clearly tell the difference between a thought about your sexuality being true vs an ocd thought. It said if the thoughts/feelings/narrative makes you feel panic, anxiety and dread, like you don’t want the thoughts, then it’s ocd. If they make you feel warm, content and normal, then they’re likely not ocd. Is that how people and psychologists differentiate? My situation is that I’m a 36 year old male that never questioned or had to question my sexuality until one day at 26, I had the question pop up “are you gay”. Since then, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Questioning, checking, anxious 24/7, wanting to escape myself. Help :(

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Am I experiencing SO OCD about my sexuality since childhood?

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