The biggest question i ask myself sometimes Is: What if it's not OCD, what if i'm really a bad person and i can cause suffering around me? What if i'm only a burden? And even if it's OCD, who can tell me that one day, tired of all these thoughts, i will or will not harm myself or others? I don't remember who i was before and i feel lost and alone, i just want my life back..
You're not alone. Plenty of us feel the same way
I know, and i feel sad for that
Here is why we say OCD. If there is something wrong, we all try to put a label on it asap! OCD or not, it is real, important, and exhausting. I feel so similar! I remember being at school on March 13, 2020. I was the happiest on the planet! Then, @ 6pm, the phone rang. I missed a whole year of healthy growing. School ended. A cloud of depression grew. Then, the same OCD that has been there my whole life officially announced itself. It was the worst day ever! That was the day I said to myself “ oh great! You will never be normal again!” Truth is, I was right! I missed a nearly two years trying to be like I was and free! Then, when I realized I am stuck, I tried to catch up to growing where I felt as if I had paused. I forgot I had made friendships! They all seemed to be gone and I couldn’t pick back up at a new school. I made new friends and changed my interests because of my OCD. Remember a few things. Do not try to act like everything is like it was and try to resume. Time has passed and you will not get the results you are looking for. I ruminate on going back in time and changing things. Silly thing; things that would have no effect! You will just be stuck. Life is not near as long as you think! Do not spend it trying to be something that you are not! It doesn’t matter if you are 15 or 50! You are constantly growing and getting closer to the end of time. Learn to live with OCD and don’t battle it. Do not want your life back! OCD is here to rob you of your joy and peace. “He will take your breath and stop you in your steps Fear! He is a liar. He will rob your rest and steal your happiness”- copyright Zach Williams-“Fear is a Liar” @spotify. I can not stress enough to tell you to not spend your life wanting peace back! Don’t take back what has been stolen from under your feet! That is what OCD wants you to do! Instead, use your amygdala’s prior knowledge to help you grow new peace!
Thank you for these words. I needed that. Maybe i finally learn that i can't go back in time and be like i was, but i have to start a new self that is at peace with what i'm dealing now. The first thing i need to do is live with my fears and anxiety, but it's difficult because it's something new to me..
@GiorgieL Also, i'm so sorry you had to experience that too. How are you know?
I feel like my depression has gone for the most part. If I don’t “act on my compulsions”, I still feel depressed. I haven’t finished school yet. My new school has given me lots of friends and new opportunities. I am doing a lot better l. OCD has not gone though, It is still killing me.
I'm so sorry for that, i know how you feel..but i also know that one day we will feel better though❤️ there's light after the dark
I can't live with OCD anymore. It's ruining my life. I feel like I'm being constantly bullied in my own mind all day everyday. I don't know if what I think and feel is ever real or normal or okay, what is me and what is the OCD thoughts. I don't know if any of my experiences are normal. I'm exhausted from picking apart every single conversation I ever have with anyone until I'm strung out by a vague and ambiguous feeling of guilt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and feeling scared all the time and not knowing why and having my brain spin me out on an endless spiralling train of thoughts that never goes anywhere and just makes me feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what I feel and if what I feel is normal or if anything I am doing is real and actually me or if I'm 'losing my mind.' I don't even know if this makes any sense. I get into these states of mind where every thought in my head and everything I feel and perceive makes me question my own sanity. I don't know if anyone likes me because I have absolutely no concept of what I am actually like. I feel completely lost and confused CONSTANTLY.
Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!
I think when people are saying OCD is egodystonic is really triggering me and I was just wondering if this has happened to anyone else? I’m going through a really bad relapse and right now I’m trying to figure out if my thoughts are truly egodystonic, like I how do I know I won’t act on them, how can I trust my emotions and everything. I feel really confused and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or how I carry on with life because it’s so long and I’m so unsure of everything that’s going on in my head. Like how do I know that this is OCD and true desires/urges. I’m so confused.
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