Partner with OCD: demands/requests/favors

Hi Everyone, I had a quick question and I’m looking to see if someone in this community might be able to help. I added a trigger warning because I wanted to be sensitive to the community, though I don’t believe there’s anything that could be too triggering here hopefully. My girlfriend is diagnosed with OCD. We’ve lived together for 6 months and it hasn’t been the easiest, though, I’m trying my best to make it work because I truly do love this person. She will constantly ask me for small favors which include: - grabbing food for her while she stays on the couch to not have to clean her feet or take her socks off before walking on the ground. - having me washing the clothes all the time, because she feels that I use overall less amounts of cleaning products therefore it’s less intoxicating for her. - getting up to get alcohol wipes because her dog licked her hand and she thinks her dog’s mouth is dirty - get up to wipe my dogs butt after she poops because it could be dirty. These are all small examples, however they will happen constantly. I try my best to not let them bother me, however, I’d like to think that any person would be bother if they were asked to do something and they had to drop what they were doing in that moment or risk their partners getting triggered. I understand that sometimes she will need help, and truly I don’t mind doing most things for her, however, often times her “asking” me for things comes out in a very demanding way. She will often times demand for things to be done without asking “please” or kindly. This bothers me and I’ve expressed this to her. Tonight, she told me that she wanted to have certain pants washed so she could use them tomorrow. To which I responded kindly, “yeah that’s great I’m sure you can get them washed by tonight”. Her response, “I wanted you to wash them”. I responded by saying, “can you wash them yourself this time?” She then proceeded to getting upset and putting them to wash. In all honesty, I would have been 1000% more inclined to do it for her without any “buts”, however, it was the way she asked or rather told me. If she had just asked “hey do you think you could please do this, or do that for me?”, I wouldn’t even care at all. So the big question, tonight she claimed that her OCD is what isn’t allowing her to say “please” or ask kindly for favors. I understand in “triggered” stages that could be more common and I wouldn’t expect someone to take their time to ask for things nicely when they are triggered or panicking. However, for simple favors in order to avoid them going through certain routine OCD rituals (hand washing, cleaning, etc) is it normal or common for someone with OCD to just simply not be able to say PLEASE or ask nicely if I’m doing a favor for them? I was raised in a household where asking politely and showing others respect is a must. I’ve explained this however, she claims that she isn’t capable of doing this because of her OCD. Is this a real or known thing? I appreciate any feedback, insight or support with this matter. I truly don’t mind doing 100% of the things in the house, my only request is that I’m asked respectfully or politely to do them. Is this asking for too much?

2621

Date posted: 3y

It’s possible that not saying please or requesting kindly is connected to ocd. The problem is that if you continue to do everything she asks, she’s reinforcing her ocd. It puts you in a terrible position because if you refuse, it causes her suffering and if you do what she wants, it continues the ocd cycle. Can she get therapy? Or can you get therapy to help you? There are lots of YouTube videos showing the best way to help someone you care about deal with ocd. You’re doing your best and I think your efforts are wonderful.

vvuong

Date posted: 24w

ROCD or my values to break up?

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

clair_m88

Date posted: 21w

ROCD and house chores

Hi everyone. I’m having a really hard time today in my relationship. I am just feeling so frustrated by my back-and-forth feelings about my relationship. One day I’ll feel so good, and then the next I don’t at all. I think my biggest trigger in the house is the chores that the two of us have to do in the house. I’m much more of a clean person than my boyfriend is. I’m also thinking that he has ADHD and struggles to remember when to do specific chores and I have to remind him pretty often, but he will usually do it when I ask. Today, I’m on a huge spiral of telling myself that he is never gonna be able to learn to do things on his own, he’s not gonna be able to take care of our kids in the future If we do get married, he’s not gonna be able to help take care of our house when we do have one one day, And I am just exhausted. It’s so hard fighting these thoughts all day and then I feel like I have to sit down and talk to him about chores and obviously that doesn’t go well when I’m not feeling good. Definitely a compulsion… It feels so much better when I can just relax and just let him figure things out on his own, and I can just take care of myself. I also come from a household where I was constantly criticized and controlled in certain ways, so I have that to carry too…I’ve gotten much better at doing that most of the time but today is pretty bad. It always feels a little bit worse as well when I’m on my period and feeling very hormonal as well… Can anyone please shed some light on if they’ve experienced this before and any support they might be able to offer in relation to this? Anything would be helpful and please be kind!

PBubblegum

Date posted: 19w

My partner has severe OCD

Hello i got this app hoping to maybe find some support for my partner i thought about reddit but reddit has become a hateful place and i figured this is a safe place. i love my partner more than anything and he’s been struggling with OCD his whole life he has a hard time talking about it with anyone because it’s too painful he’s stated that it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older His biggest issue right now is overwhelming thoughts of his actions having tragic outcomes and being unable to stop these obsessive thoughts (such as needing to check out door handle 5 times to make sure it’s locked but still panicking that it’s unlocked) he’s not open to one on one therapy or meds although he loves learning and watching informative videos i fear he’s afraid to confront his OCD or just afraid nothing will help i really wanna help him live a stress free and happy life he deserves it would anyone possibly have any ways to naturally help with OCD or recommend any great individuals that could share techniques on managing OCD or helping your partner with OCD? i would very much appreciate it!

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Partner with OCD: demands/requests/favors

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