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Hey so lately I've been thinking along the line of the theme of ocd of 'what if I was to shout something inappropriate out" only this is what if I was to text someone something inappropriate please help me somebody it's causing me to panic.

Hi, I'm writing this hopefully to get some advice and to see if anyone else relates to this. Recently my OCD has revolved around how well I speak and explain things to others and myself. So every time I speak, whether I'm explaining something or responding to someone or something, I'm always editing in my head immediately after. For example, my Roomate missed an appointment and I said to her "oh no, are you still able to get another one while you're here?" and in my head right after I was like, "Oh my gosh that was so wordy, people don't even talk like that, you should have just said 'can you still get one." I feel like there's a grammerly or chatgpt bot in my head always being like "oh, well you could have said it like this and phrased that part in the end rather than in the beggining, yada yada yada. I don't even remember how I used to talk and what a normal way of saying things even is anymore. I feel so dumb and scared to explain anything or even just speak but I also sometimes freeze and avoid questions in my head that I don't feel smart enough to explain even if I think I have an idea. I also edit other people in my head too which is so annoying, because I'm always mentally correcting them, when they really don't need to be corrected. I've always loved giving advice to people too but now I've become so bad at it and I don't even know what I'm saying half the time. I also have to answer every question that pops into my head perfectly and if I don't then I won't be prepared for when/if someone asks me. There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance.

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing