my false memory ocd story

i have suffered with all different themes of ocd but false memory ocd has to be the worst one. the thing is i haven’t really been officially diagnosed with ocd but i have all the symptoms. i have struggled with false memory ocd since 2016. it all started when i thought i wrote stuff bad on my homework cussing the teachers out and i had to get up and check multiple times in the middle of class to make sure i didn’t write anything bad. even after i checked all those times i still thought i wrote something bad on my homework. the thoughts felt so real but they weren’t. i obviously ended up not saying anything bad on my homework but my head made me believe i did. i continued to do this from 7th-10th grade. in 2017 i got a false memory of me doing a horrific thing to my baby cousin when i changed his diaper back in 2015. i was 12 at the time when i changed his diaper. i remember changing his diaper but my mind made me believe i did something sinister to him. when i first got this thought i was like “wait did i do this?” and i worried about it for a few days but then when i realized i didn’t do it i stopped worrying. i relapsed over this false memory back in january of this year. it popped back up in my head after 5 years of not worrying about it. this time though i can’t actually remember if i did this or not since it was so long ago. im 19 now and since everything was so long ago i can’t remember something from 7 years ago and im almost fully convinced i did this because this seems more real than anything. maybe it’s because i ruminated on it. i was on zoloft and it helped me identify it as a false memory but now since im off of it im worried that it just took my anxiety away from the memory and that it’s actually real and not a false memory. this honestly isn’t the only false memory im getting though. im getting several more false memories about me doing sinister things to my younger family members when i was a younger teenager. these all seem incredibly real and i don’t know what to do. i been thinking about ending my life for the past 2 months now. i feel guilty and fear that im in denial. nocd doesn’t take my insurance for therapy and im scared to go to therapy near me because im scared the therapist will actually think i have done these things and call the police on me. im going back to my doctor on the 14th to get back on my medication. i just feel so alone and feel like i deserve absolutely nothing.

Anonymous

88d ago

Hey Catherine, you are not alone ! many people including myself struggle with this type of theme and it can be super sticky. First of all, if you are in crisis or thinking of ending life, please please reach out to a loved one or a support group, or call a support line. Try and remember what life was like when you weren’t consumed by these thoughts, what made you happy or excited? OCD may try to convince you that you are so bad that you do not deserve those things, but you must listen to the small still voice within that is not driven by these thoughts. I hear you on the difficulties finding therapy, and it can be really important to work with someone who has ocd experience. Keep holding out hope for another day, one day at a time. Getting back on medication may help and I hope you are able to find ocd therapy that is accepted by your insurancd soon.

catherine !

88d ago

thank you so much i truly needed this!

ksmforever

87d ago

You are not alone, I am suffering the same. Please see a therapist that is somewhat familiar with OCD. If they are, they won’t call the cops. They will notice it’s OCD. I hope you find peace. I know how you feel. It’s the worst theme in my book!