I constantly feel the alarm at the back of my mind, this tainted, guilty feeling, fear my ocd or distress and disgust will come back . I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life

My OCD has never been this strong, it's so real, it feels like it will never go away, it's never been this strong for me and it's very scary.

Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insane😢

The thought of ocd being long-term is scaring me pretty bad. My therapist told me in our first visit last week that it will always come back and it triggered me. I know everyone says it’s manageable, but I keep having the thought that I won’t be able to handle it the rest of my life and I will want to suic. myself. I am terrified :(