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Hi dieinaholeocdurabutt, First of all, Happy Early Birthday to you and it is never to late to recover and you can and will be able to take your time and your mind back from your OCD Bully if your therapist can give you the right tools. Does your therapist specialize in OCD and/or have you tried ERP? Asking because I originally had a therapist that did not so aside from the anxiety medication helping a little, my OCD was not getting any better. Facing my obsessions/compulsions head on with ERP (combined with anxiety medication) was the main thing that really helped me to be able to start limiting the amount of time I “had” to give into my compulsions a little at a time until I could get to the point that some I can tune out without giving into them a good portion of the time. Yes, sometimes I slip up and give in, but my therapist was able to help me recognize when my OCD is trying to mess with me and now I am a lot better at stopping myself before immediately giving in and realizing that if I do, it is only hurting me in the long run. Your OCD Bully will latch onto what and whom you care about most in the world, because it knows that it will be much harder for you to ignore it if it does so. The fact that you love your boyfriend so much is why it is trying to interfere in your relationship. If you didn’t care for him so much, your OCD Bully would not be trying to make you doubt your feelings, relationship, etc… You do not have to be embarrassed about your compulsions or your intrusive thoughts…ever. You did not ask for them and they do not define you as a person. Your OCD Bully is causing them because it feeds off the anxiety that they cause you. It grows stronger the more you doubt yourself and your character and your worth, so as hard as it seems, don’t let it. The fact that you want help and are already seeing a therapist means you are much braver than most people out there, because most never seek help. You should be very proud of yourself for doing so. Also the fact that you recognize that these are compulsions and intrusive thoughts and everyday fight against them takes awareness and courage, and again you should hold your head up high for doing so. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts, it’s just that we have a much harder time dismissing them as the random pop up ad nuisance thoughts that they are. But with practice and over time, you can get much better at lessening how much time and effort the obsessions and compulsions take up of your life. No amount of worrying about the future will ever change it and no amount of regret or ruminating on the past will change it either, no matter what amount of doubt your OCD Bully wants to instill in you. You can however choose to try your best to not engage with your intrusive thoughts and obsessions in the present so they do not get in the way of doing and being the best you can today and tomorrow and going forward. I’m not claiming it’s easy, but for me ERP and a therapist whom I trusted and specialized in OCD got me much of my life back that I hadn’t had in about 4 decades….so it is never too late. Best wishes to you for a wonderful Birthday and hopefully one which marks a turning point in telling your OCD Bully to go kick rocks. Take care of yourself and stay strong.