If anyones reading this please help

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.

Username: geraldine47geraldine47

Date posted: 2y ago

I go through the exact same cycles of feeling like being in denial and another thing pops up every day for me to have an argument with myself, the only thing I’ve found is to not give the thoughts power, they are just ocd thoughts that aren’t based on any proof and I’ve even found when the ‘you’re gay’ thought comes in I agree and go ‘yeah I’m gay now’ and my ocd thoughts have nothing to say back and the power is taken away. And also for me I actually basically came out to my friend being like ‘I think I might be gay but I don’t like any women but I dunno I still might be even though I also think I’m completely straight’ and all I really wanted to know was if I did turn out to be gay it’d be ok and I’d still be accepted by my friends or family and that may be where the issue lies with me, being scared of judgement and not being perfect all the time and wanting acceptance and it manifested into hocd so maybe take a look at where it might come from and you’ll learn it’s nothing about your sexuality

Username: mostdope42mostdope42

Date posted: 2y ago

i agree with your last thoughts about the deeper wound or fear that keeps the ocd strong and fueled. for me, i fear “turning out” to be a lesbian because i fear that i’ll have to break my boyfriend’s heart and leave him to date women. my whole life would be a lie. those my root fears. my ocd tells my mind that i cannot handle hurting others and that i would be the absolute worst human on earth if i turned out to be gay and was dishonest with my partner. and then that would mean my crushes and emotions would be fake. it all comes full circle with my ocd. so, i’m doing my exposures. i purposely watch videos of women who thought they were straight and left their relationship to be a lesbian. or they thought they were bi and then broke off their relationship with a man cause they were gay. it’s so scary in the moment and usually i do fall into some compulsions. but i’m brave for exposing myself to my fear. i cant recommend exposure and response prevention enough. it makes you feel tough.

Username: J_s_sJ_s_s

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

That’s the thing i get convinced or feel convinced when i say that and then realize what I’m saying and feel weirded out cause i deep down know that I’ve never been this way

Username: geraldine47geraldine47

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous Yeah I feel the same I have this fear I’ll have this great life with a husband and kids and one day I’ll suddenly turn gay and ruin my life, my future husband and kids and I’ve been lying to everyone and I have that awful fear too of hurting people!! Reading that exposure you’re doing scared me a bit but just shows it’d be a good idea for me to go try that too to face the fear of it, thanks for sharing!!

Username: mostdope42mostdope42

Date posted: 2y ago

@geraldine47 it’s scary even hearing or thinking about those videos! but i promise after you get over that anxiety you feel during it, afterwards (at least for me) i find myself being like “wow i realky worked that up in my head. i thought it was gonna be a lot more uncomfortable than that”. sometimes even just the titles make me wanna run and hide, but if you do ERP enough, it gets a teeny tiny bit easier each exposure. i watched one of the ones i was most terrified to watch (the title sent me into a panic) and tbh afterwards i was like ok wait i totally made that seem worse in my head before clicking on it. so, my point is exposure is worth it. sometimes what you think is gonna be your most uncomfortable, anxiety provoking, panic attack invoking exposure turns out to be not as bad as you thought (sometimes the opposite is the case but still). and it shows yourself how brave you really are!! you are 1000% capable.

Username: Ano-kinskywalkerAno-kinskywa...

Date posted: 2y ago

If this isn’t exactly how I’ve been feeling recently, I absolutely hate it because I know what I want and my desires idk it’s really tough but OCD sucks like that. It’ll find the part it can hit you hardest on and keep going if you let it. It’s all noise, like an annoying guests at a party. Eventually you learn to ignore them and have a good time or at least that’s what I’ve read and been working on!

Username: mostdope42mostdope42

Date posted: 2y ago

one of my favorite things to do is to talk back to my ocd in ways that aren’t reassurance or saying “NO THATS NOT TRUE”. so imagine your ocd (if you wanna make it the enemy) as an old bully or someone you really don’t like or who was mean to you. what would you say to that person if they talked to you the way ocd does? for me, i personally imagine my ocd as that kid in class in second grade or something that always says whatever is on his mind out loud without thinking. all i say is in the most fake nice voice ever “wow that’s so interesting! thank you for sharing!”

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: Idk

Date posted: 5y ago

I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: trinitii

Date posted: 5y ago

[NSFW] hocd or denial? I'm lost and confused... I (m18) have been straight my whole life. I fantasized about girls, only got hard to them, masturbated to them... I've had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she is the most wonderful person ever, and I am attracted to her both romantically and sexually. So, all of it started three years ago. I saw a movie with a gay sex scene and I thought that it must feel pretty good to be at the bottom. Since then, I sometimes (but not often) thought about being on the bottom when masturbating. Although I felt kind of aroused by the thought, I thought it was a simple fantasy or fetish that I have. I tried some stuff to myself down there but I never liked it. I never had a crush on any man, nor have I ever had romantic interest in a man. About 3 weeks ago I really thought about it and I started thinking I was gay. I thought I was gay because I got kind of aroused by thinking about gay sex like this. I thought I wasn't gay because I was never interested in a man and I always had crushes on women but then I thought I was gay because I was aroused by the thought of gay sex. I started to check myself in my head by thinking of gay sex and straight sex to see if I would be aroused, and I looked at some straight porn - and once even gay porn - to see if I would be aroused. I got a bit hard from the gay porn which made me panic. I feel less aroused in general and it feels like my libido has crashed. Now, when I try to masturbate, I sometimes only think about gay sex, which makes me panic more. It feels like I'm losing my love for my girlfriend, and it feels like I'm less attracted to her, both romantically and sexually. It feels like I don't love her, but I do, and then I question everything. I feel like it's harder for me to get aroused by women. I used to imagine snuggling with my gf and falling asleep with her, which usually made me aroused, but now I don't get aroused by that. Worse, if I try to imagine doing the same with a male, I don't get aroused either. I sometimes feel like this isn't hocd (I don't know if I even have ocd, I don't have a therapist) and that I'm just in denial. I feel like I'm only not leaving my girlfriend because I don't want to harm her, and I don't love her, but I do, I love her very much and I always imagined spending my future with her. It feels like I love her and I don't at the same time. I don't know what is going on. Am I gay? Bi? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, she is amazing and wonderful and I want to stay with her and I love her, but I constantly doubt that as well. Am I gay or bi if I fantasize about gay sex and get kind of aroused? Again, I never thought about having a romantic relationship with a male, and I only ever wanted to be with women. The thought used to disgust me but thinking about it now doesn't make me feel anything, but then again, neither does thinking about the same with a woman now, which is making me afraid as well. What should I do?? I'm lost and confused and I don't want to be gay or bi, but I constantly doubt myself. I don't want to leave her, but I question even that thought - do I not want to leave her because I love her or because I don't want to hurt her - which makes me even more lost.

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