I usually am good at following the “rules” of my intrusive thoughts, but I’ve messed up three times today and I’m freaking out. Nothing’s wrong, but I’m anxious as to why I messed up. It’s making me sick and frustrated.
Messing up does not mean you’re back at square one! For that to happen you’d have to basically forget everything you’ve learned. You should not place any meaning on having “messed up”, because it really doesn’t mean anything. All you need to do is take it step by step and not be too hard on yourself. You do not need to be perfect in your treatment!
I appreciate you saying that because it is true, what I meant though was the “rules” my intrusive thoughts give me to alleviate the anxiety temporarily. For example, I like to knock on wood, but in a case of breaking the rules, I wouldn’t knock. Idk, does that make sense?
@Anonymous Those rules you have are compulsions! The compulsions are what relieve the anxiety temporarily and are what therapists try to have you avoid doing. I recommend looking at ERP therapy and the YouTube channel “OCD and Anxiety” (he’s awesome).
@meghins Thank you for the recommendations and support!
@Anonymous Anytime! You’re not alone :)
I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh
I know a few of you saw my posts about my ERP and the googling urges. That didn’t end up going well. My therapist actually decided we needed to halt it for now. The thing is it’s almost like I learned googling is harmless from those few exercises and my brain keeps generating more things to google. Normally I would just spiral and be done but now I can barely hold back from searching for long. I eventually give in. I’m horrified because it feels like I want to find illegal content. I swear on everything I am, I don’t want to find anything even close to it. I’m freaking out because I don’t understand what’s happening. I keep compulsively searching/testing/checking or idk. I keep remembering details and I feel like I need to google again to be sure of something. I feel absolutely insane can someone please help me??? I’m petrified I’m going to get in trouble.
So, if I'm retelling a story or relaying information to someone, after I'm done speaking, my brain will send me thoughts like, "What if you lied? You might have told the story wrong! You're lying!" I've started second-guessing myself, even when I know I'm not lying or telling the story wrong😭 This has also bled into twisting my intentions behind certain actions... For example, the other day, I'd been babysitting my younger brothers. I'd gone to use the restroom and thought, "What if the door isn't locked or closed all the way?" Because this has happened once in the past. Turns out, it didn't lock correctly, and one of my little brothers almost walked in on me, but luckily, I shut the door in time, and we laughed it off. But then, I kept getting thoughts like, "You knew that would happen, and you didn't double-check! You wanted that to happen and for him to walk in!" :( I know this isn't true, but it's so annoying! Has anyone dealt with this? If you have, do you have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts?
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