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Username: Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

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Struggling with ROCD and intimacy issues, considering divorce—how to cope?

Help

Im in a really difficult place. I have had ROCD symptoms ever since dating my now husband. My doubts began to be about my love for him, is he the one, etc. When we got engaged and before that I was also filled with questions about what do I want with my life and fears of getting married keeping me from fulfilling/exploring my dreams. Fast forward and we have been married for 2 years. I still had those doubts but developed a fear of sex (had sex related ocd themes as a teenager) and this has made intimacy hard and put a strain on our relationship. We have been doing couples therapy for intimacy but it hasnt really helped. I am thinking I need ERP help, because even without physical intimacy, I am still filled with fears related to sex that I obsess over. The strain of all this and my intrusive thoughts have also led me to contemplate divorce. These intrusive thoughts have left me feeling depressed, loss of appetite, unable to sleep. Recently my husband expressed sadness about our lack of intimacy and my doubts about wanting to have kids (his big dream). It triggered even more anxiety and I kept thinking, should we just end this now? I have no energy to plan for kids and one of my obsessions is "do I really want kids? What if I dont?" I didnt dare say that though, I dont want to hurt him and I do love him, he is what I would want in a life partner. But I am struggling so much with my anxiety that its making it hard for me to function. How do I handle all of this when it feels so real and when there seem to be actual reasons for giving up on our relationship (fear of engaging in sex, not sure if I want kids). I would love to have the type of carefree life I see other couples have but I cant deal with all this. I feel stuck, dont want to do something I regret. My worst fear is hurting him. I have struggled to see all this as OCD since it overlaps with life things that feel so real. Wouldnt it make sense to call it quits if sex is problematic? But my thinking is obsessive and I have a history of OCD. Why do I keep feeling like giving up on us and how do I turn this around? Its hard.

Username: SydneyRJSydneyRJ

Date posted: 2y ago

You are not alone in this. I too have experienced everything you are and I am married. I have had ROCD almost the whole relationship and it does take a toll. But there is hope and another side. I started ERP therapy with NOCD about a month and a half ago. It has helped leaps and bounds. I am starting to enjoy my marriage again, even enjoying sex again. It takes hard work but it is possible to turn this around. Don’t give up, use this as a reason to fight and seek therapy. It will help, but it takes time and is scary but well worth it. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to grow! :)

Username: Sunny4Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

would love to chat more and hear about your experience since it can feel so lonely.

Username: Sunny4Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Wow, thats so encouraging to hear. So you have also felt in distress and thought about divorce to the point of anxiety and depression? How did you get through it? I live in Sweden and dont know if nocd is available here.

Username: SydneyRJSydneyRJ

Date posted: 2y ago

At one point I thought divorce was the only solution, but it isn’t. I realized that what I was struggling with was a me problem, not an actual problem with my marriage. There is a book called “Relationship OCD” by Sheva Rajaee that is really helpful. Definitely read it but also try and find a therapist close to you who specializes in OCD and ERP. Definitely reach out to NOCD, they might have a therapist that can practice in Sweden. :)

Username: Sunny4Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I will look up that book! I have used Awaken into Love a lot as a support, especially when we were dating. I have booked a call with nocd tonight so hoping some help can come that way! Last night I also talked to my old therapist from the states (I am half-American). I saw your profile on here and that you are also a Christian as well as suffer from other similar themes. Would you want to connect on Facebook and chat more? If not, totally understand!!!

Username: SydneyRJSydneyRJ

Date posted: 2y ago

@Sunny4 I unfortunately don’t have any social media, I got rid of it about 2 years ago because it made my depression so bad. I think we can follow each other on this app though. I wish there was an option for direct messaging. :)

Username: Sunny4Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@SydneyLRJ Ah, I understand! Its easy to compare onself on social media. I have been staying off of instagram now when I have been feeling worse. A question about your first reply, how does your ROCD express itself and how does it impact sex for you (understand if its too personal a question)? Do you also obsess/worry over kids? For me I kept obsessing over expectations and fear of engaging in sex against my will, fear of being harmed.

Username: SydneyRJSydneyRJ

Date posted: 2y ago

@Sunny4 For me I kept thinking “Am I really into this?” And constantly questioning if it felt “just right” or if I was emotionally involved enough. It got to the point where I lost interest because I was so consumed with the intrusive thoughts and questions that I couldn’t even focus on the sex. I also would have intrusive thoughts about other people during sex that I didn’t want to think about and that would distract me too because I then spent the time trying not to think. It was a vicious cycle.

Username: _MO_MO

Date posted: 2y ago

@SydneyLRJ Wow thank you for sharing this. I have felt this way too and seriously thought something was just wrong with me/him/us.

Username: _MO_MO

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi Sunny4! You are not alone. I have grieved so many memories that “should” have been happy/care free that were interrupted by OCD. My husband and I dated for four years before we got engaged, and I almost broke up with him so many times. When he proposed, I was so happy but fearful, when we got married I was excited but scared. We are a little over 1 year into marriage and my OCD really flared up recently. I too considered divorce because I was so exhausted and I felt like I couldn’t explain it well enough to him. Anyways, I started working with a NOCD therapist and started taking meds, and I have already felt the symptoms and fear subside. You are being attacked right now by OCD and OCD never wants you to feel secure. I hope you can give yourself the gentle grace to take it one step at a time. I have also heard that going to couples therapy with a therapist who actually understands OCD can be extremely helpful for partners who may have a hard time understanding. Don’t give up, you are not alone, and you are an amazing human! ✨

Username: Sunny4Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Thank you for your encouragement! And I am sorry to hear it has been challenging for you as well. Its so easy to compare oneself to other couples and for everything to become negatively shadowed by anxiety. Its definitely hard to give oneself grace. My mom is telling me to focus on my well being first, to not worry about the sex and kids part. But its hard to not think about it when it feels like grounds for a divorce. The couples therapy we have been doing has been now 1.5 years and I feel like its been helpful in a way with ACT strategies but my therapist feels like we cant go further until my general state of anxiety lessens. It is good though for facilitating conversation with my partner. I just recently switched to a new med which could account for some of my distress.

Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

ROCD onset at engagement

Hi all! Curious if anyone else has been similar to my story? ROCD has set in majorly once I talked to my partners parents about proposing, and even got a ring. I had never been diagnosed with OCD before this moment, but it makes sense with a string of my past relationships where I suddenly “lose feelings” after nonstop doubts. After starting this process, I suddenly went through non-stop compulsions, calling everyone I knew who loved me asking if the relationship was right, ruminating endlessly, asking myself why I suddenly felt so much anxiety, and that it must be a sign our relationship isn’t right. Started reflecting back on our entire relationship, remembering moments I felt uncertain, and wondering if they were all signs I needed to break up earlier and didn’t, even though most of our relationship has been full of trust, vulnerability, love, etc. It led to a major depressive episode, where I lost 15 pounds in 2-3 weeks. I started taking Luvox a couple weeks ago, and am doing ERP for the last couple of weeks (though really struggling with it to be honest, because I feel like I constantly cave to ruminations). Currently, my biggest struggle is the thought that occurs that tells me “you two don’t like to do anything together, and you are so different in your interests. You don’t know how to talk to her.” Even though 2 years of our relationship has revealed that we certainly are very different, it didn’t mean we didn’t know how to spend time together, or know how to talk together. But after weeks of that thought happening, I’m finding I feel like I’m almost manifesting it and allowing it to become true. We had a Friday night with no plans where we just got to be together and walk around and spend time, which should be lovely, but I was anxious the whole time and felt like I couldn’t talk or relate. I’m also noticing I’m suddenly questioning if I’m attracted enough to my partner. It feels like I’m self-sabotaging this relationship I’ve had for two years which has been stable, trusting, and encouraging, and I don’t know how to get back to where I was and just feel better, not be overcome with anxiety and fears, and just be confident, and not spiral into “we don’t have anything to enjoy in spending time together, so you need to break up and end this.” This ROCD stuff is no joke. Very excruciating. It’s made me feel like I have to break up, even though I’ve wanted to get engaged. Anyone else had similar situations? I just feel so guilty, because she’s been so excited, and I feel like I’m not able to love her the way she really deserves.

Relationship OCD

Username: owmybrainhurts

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD

Really struggling to determine whether my doubts are vaild or not. I have a very blurry picture of what I envision for my future, ever since I was 18 Ive had this desire to run away and start a new life (22 now) I dont know whether its escapism or just my calling, but I dream of a nomadic life with no attachments to anything. I believe its strongly associated with OCD and the fears I have around commitment. But my partner has goals for his future, he can envision his life, and its becoming an issue that I cant envision mine. We would like to be able to line up our lives to see if we want the same things. Of course I want a life with him, but I am so controlled by fear I cant commit to anything. I cant commit to the idea of settling down, having kids, having a career. They all scare me. We’ve been together for 2 years and I still have been avoiding my thoughts out of fear that the truth is: Im not meant to be with anyone and I need to live life on my own with no ties to anything. My therapist said some really triggering stuff yesterday and now I cant stop thinking about the possibility that we may just be on different life paths, no matter how much we love eachother. Feeling defeated😣

Username: Brendan =]

Date posted: 1y ago

Triggering conversation “planning” our next steps.

Was having an okay day today after a few rough ones with ROCD. My partner came to me today to show me houses that he likes in our area which are available for renting. Our apartment lease is up in June and he was talking, like he has been, about our next steps as a couple and how he’d prefer to rent a house together rather than to stay in the nice 2-bedroom apartment we now live in. His ideas became more detailed, how we’d rent for a few years and save before getting a mortgage and moving into a purchased house together. He’s very very into me and treats me so well. For example, I’ve recently come down with celiac disease and now we both have to live in a gluten-free household for life. I told him how sorry I am about this change and how unfair it is to him. He responds “I don’t care- I have you- and that’s all I care about” 🥲 I’m lucky to have someone who has pretty much committed to me for life and accepts me exactly how I am, and always supports me and helps me. The problem is I’m really struggling with ROCD and to feel at all in love with him. (The breakup urges have been brutal this week.) Anyhoo, back to today. I’m laying there listening to his thoughtful and sweet ideas about how we could make a nice property-that he has pictures of- even better for me (he knows I’m a perfectionist, and that I’m into clean lines, expensive-looking design, and am picky about hotels) and I’m trying to just get past the huge anxiety spike. I’m trying to get to the point where I can look at him without scrutinizing his appearance and can feel something besides distress when we’re spending time together. (Love would be nice . . . and new.) I think I am doing a few compulsions as I tend to have automatic thoughts where answers just pop into my head . . . either rating his appearance, if I want to lose him, if I could even bring myself to break his heart, if I’m staying to keep him from pain and am actually unhappy, if I could deal with him not being in my life; if I’d rather be alone, if I’m attracted. The answers go back and forth. I’ve always felt like there was some barrier between us and our connection, and I can’t break through it and fall for him. I know a lot of this screams textbook ROCD but it’s impossible to believe there isn’t truth to it to some degree. I’ve been getting so lost in trying to figure out if we’re actually a fit; if I could be happy for the rest of my life in this relationship. I know entertaining these questions is compulsive, and a horrible idea but I’m having trouble pulling back. As for another worry- I am in a nice apartment complex and a little over a year ago this place changed owners. The new owners are far more uptight and changed a lot of qualification policies. My income isn’t high enough to qualify for this place anymore, so if I move out I really can’t get back in. (I can renew my lease annually without an application or verifying proof of income, so, if I wanted, I could live in this complex forever- as long as I never leave.) I’m in ERP but am not doing the best job of keeping up with the exposures (partially due to being busy with everything happening with Christmas coming up, and partially due to fear). I know, it’s bad to not be doing ERP, and I blame nobody but myself, but motivation is not happening right now. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. =] Sorry for the novel. >_<

Relationship OCD

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Struggling with ROCD and intimacy issues, considering divorce—how to cope?

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