- Date posted
- 3y
Is this ocd? What step should I take?
Sorry for long text.I've been struggling with false memories since a month ago and I suspect it is coming with depression due to my severe rumination. I'm in a 7 month relationship and I'm deeply in love. Nowadays I'm struggling with myself and my relationship because I thought I might have cheated. I thought I might have kissed a friend last Friday while we were talking. Yes exactly while I was talking to that friend that situation entered into my head and I couldn't figure out between is real or not. 5 days have passed, there's no evidence about that and I don't have any flashbacks. I try to go back to that moment, at the beginning I didn't at all but now I do every day and there's nothing. I don't remember a kiss and his reaction and my feelings during that action. But the thought and feeling I could have cheated are persistent. At the beginning (first days, friday and Saturday) I was really afraid of my boyfriend and I couldn't talk to him. There were moments were I was able to rise and say "I don't remember that kiss so nothing happened" but now I can't rise anymore even if I don't remember nothing. When I rised then I thought or felt that I don't remember but maybe my friend does remember everything. He haven't told me anything about that, like nothing happened. I use to think that he knows and his friends and it could be a fact I don't want to remember so I blocked my memory to not believe it. First because I don't like that friend and second because would hate being a cheater and hurting the person I love. Monday I reunited with my bf and I stayed at his home. My anxiety levels where high. Whenever I kissed him, hugged him, or touched him I thought "you're making a fool of him" "how dare tou" "if he just knows" "did you really do it?" "I need a straight answer" "what if everything ends" "what if you don't want to admit it and don't want to make charge of it" "don't pretend nothing happened" "you have to remember the truth" I don't know if these are genuine thoughts or OCD thoughts. I don't even know if this is OCD anymore but since the beginning, since I started to think about this cheating thing I felt its presence, I related it to be possibly OCD. What makes me ruminate is maybe I use OCD as an excuse and every mistake I make I'll believe on purpose it is OCD talking. As I said I can't differentiate between myself or OCD. I don't know if this is an ocd case or reality. I don't know what is my next step, discovering it is true, asking my friend to confirm and confessing this to my boyfriend or discovering it is OCD, work hard to stop ruminating and keep moving on. I don't know which path choose. I don't have just thoughts but feelings. A deep feeling I did something bad, a constant heartache.