lotsofthemesluke

Date posted: 3y

i think if I had to put a label on my OCD id call it "sexual scrupulosity"--im obsessed with searching for "evidence" that im a sexual predator, or that i coerced consent out of someone, or that i groomed someone into consenting to sexual conversations even if explicit consent was given and maintained, etc etc. I know exactly where these thoughts and obsessions came from and which traumas caused them to be so prominent, but no amount of logical thinking helps them be less distressing it's especially difficult when it combines with real event ocd--"did this person lie about their age? were they actually a legal adult? were they able to consent? was the consent fully informed and uncoerced?" what this means is that consent and respecting consent is extremely important to me, but i can't escape this bizarre alternate reality my OCD has formed where I'm a predator or pervert waiting for people to "find out" about my degeneracy. it feels almost like im hiding a double life help??

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

I also have those thoughts about someone lying about their age... and about being a pervet, that will be found out about... A few weeks ago the police drove past, when I walked down the street and I got panicky thinking they came for me. I didn't know why they would, but I really had been scared and worried. So you are not alone with those thoughts... OCD is very creative in how to get at us...

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

yeah, I'm the same way... When I see a story about someone harassing people or doing insidious things especially over the internet my brain says "you have done these things too, and it's only a matter of time until you're caught" which.. is just not true?? if someone lied to me, then it's MY consent that's rendered invalid, because I wasn't able to make an informed decision. and if I push my own boundaries and am uncomfortable about it later? it's ME who was uncomfortable, not anyone else.

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

@lotsofthemesluke the problem is a lot of my interactions happen online, where tone and intent is harder to read, and where it's easier to be lied to. what if that person who said they were 18 was actually 17?? it's scary!!

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

Ah, gotcha... Yes, POCD makes sexuality hard for me, too. The constant checking and negating of POCD thoughts during sex make it less enjoyable, or sometimes not enjoyable at all. I just am never totally open to let go...

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

Same!!! Sometimes I'll get into it and then just have a panic attack midway through--"think about all the people you could have abused or hurt"--and I can't keep going because I just freak out

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

Yes, my friends said the same - He would have lied to you! The blame is on him! - But OCD doesn't care about that... Are you also that particular with age? I had a fellow student who had been 16, or 17, when he started uni, the rest of us had been older. I had issues sitting next to him, but as soon as he had been 18 I had no issues with that anymore. As if him being 17 and 350 days old really was different to him being 17 and 365 days, but for my POCD it matters that much.

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

For me things are "ok" once they turn 19 because then they've been an adult for a full year... but I only discovered I had that very specific boundary after having already interacted w 18yos in 18+ spaces, thereby making me feel like a predator :/ Like I'm still a young adult, I'm 23, and it's not like I've been seeking relationships with anyone and I met all these people in spaces specifically designated for discussing kink... and still!!!!

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

Why did you go to those spaces? It would trigger the h-ll out of me!

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

I want to be able to express sexuality in safe spaces instead of pretending I don't have any desire to talk about or engage with it out of a desire to stay pure Unfortunately it DID end up triggering the hell out of me, and now it's eating away at my ability to enjoy my hobbies and daily life

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

And POCD is getting at me now with "You have no idea how old luke is! You are talking about sex without having asked their age!" I mean, it is not "sexy talk", just exchanging OCD related experiences, but still. :(

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

UNDERSTANDABLE! I don't blame you for that, I usually only hang around in places where people have had their IDs verified so I know they're above age of majority

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

@lotsofthemesluke Oh, there are places like that?

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

Haha, compulsions won, I checked your profile, it says 23... I felt releaved, but not for long as OCD came after me with "Maybe he is a minor just saying he is 23!" Honestly, OCD NEVER gives me a break, I wish I could take a 2 weeks holiday from it.

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

I am in fact 23 lol That's whats giving me so much angst, because in those groups I was in I was interacting w people under 20 so my brains all "you're so much older than them, some of them were barely over 18, you were abusing them by engaging with them as equals" One day we'll be able to see this stuff for what it is (amygdalas freaking tf out for no reason) but it's so hard not to say "healing is making an excuse for obvious crimes" even when nothing happened

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 3y

@lotsofthemesluke The difficult part is--I have to trust that those people weren't lying minors, and you have to trust that I'm not either Neither of us can ever be 1000% sure unless we see, like, birth certificates, and we have to find peace in uncertainty. as long as we do due diligence to make sure we are talking to adults, that's all we can really do

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

@lotsofthemesluke Haha, you said it, I often find 100% isn't enough, so I go beyond that an want 150%, or 1000% even.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

@Zoë_84 I did not have that much experience with chat sides a bit over a year ago and I trust too easily, so when someone said their age is this and that, I believed them (I can recall, if OCD got me worrying about it right away, or later, but thinking that through would just be doing a compulsion, so I don't). I did address it with friends, as last year and a few weeks ago, it got me worrying very much and I freaked. I had thoughts like - If you are unable with whom you talked "dirty", you have no alternative, but kill yourself - My OCD brain is pretty hard one, one moral failure that has something to do with POCD, or ZOCD and I have no right to stay alive. Anyway I talk to numberous friends and most said, if they lied, it's on them, but some were like - Yeah, you should have made sure. I try to not beat myself up over it, I have learned my lesson. And even though I'm a grown up for years and have more experience, than a teenager, a teenager is not a child and should be able to do some thinking and not hang out on those apps/web sites lying about their age... Still, you know OCD, on some days I can fend it of with that logic, on others I can't.

Givenup

Date posted: 20w

Pocd and gut feelimg

Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... In an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... i stopped and blocked her after she told me the second time... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I keep getting this gut feeling in my stomach that i "flirted" with the younger one that I vented to, who i blocked after she told me twice she was uncomfortable about me venting about my 18+ hocd situations... i didnt ever vent to them for malicious intent... I was trying to get reassurance for my hocd... Plus my pocd keeps saying I cant have any opinions online because of my pocd and real events ocd situations and that Im not a good person so I cant say anything online... Also i keep getting intrusive thoughts of people labelling me as a P and a MAP in the future because of these pocd real events... And i keep getting intrusive thoughts of being outcasted and "cancelled" online when someone "exposes" me for my POCD and real events OCD...

Givenup

Date posted: 19w

Pocd and my situation

Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p*dophilic activity and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... In an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... i stopped and blocked her after she told me the second time... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I keep getting this gut feeling in my stomach that i "flirted" with the younger one that I vented to, who i blocked after she told me twice she was uncomfortable about me venting about my 18+ hocd situations... i didnt ever vent to them for malicious intent... I was trying to get reassurance for my hocd... Plus my pocd keeps saying I cant have any opinions online because of my pocd and real events ocd situations and that Im not a good person so I cant say anything online... Also i keep getting intrusive thoughts of people labelling me as a P and a MAP in the future because of these pocd real events... And i keep getting intrusive thoughts of being outcasted and "cancelled" online when someone "exposes" me for my POCD and real events OCD...

Givenup

Date posted: 19w

Pocd and youtubers

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