- Date posted
- 3y
how do I move on
i am spilling over with anxiety and it feels like my thoughts are racing at 100 miles per hour. I get so anxious when it is my family members birthdays, im so anxious about being a pervert or a p3d0phile or a creep. I try so hard to hold eye contact with people and not look at private parts, i dont want to but my eyes do that because i think so hard to not do it. I am always so short on breath and grinding my teeth, my lexapro is not helping and i can no longer afford therapy for ocd because I am not in a job currently because I am too socially anxious to work. I am so tired, i eat 1-2 meals a day because i do not want to look overweight and then people will think i am a creep for being "ugly", i do not judge other people based on looks but i am so afraid people think im disgusting for the way i look so i put on a lot of make up. Im only 19 years old but I think that no body will ever fall in love with me and I will die alone. I cant even imagine myself in a healthy relationship and dont know how to trust people because I have been abused in the past and groomed as a child. I dont know what to do, Im still doing college and working on my bachelors degree but i feel useless and its hard to concentrate at school, I procrastinate and get everything done last minute because school is painful to concentrate on. Eye contact with family members and friends is my worst fear, I tend to avoid it, and I still get jumpscares from my narcissistic father who lurks around and spies, even digs through the family trash cans. I am exhausted. I am tired of also having OCD thoughts that I will die of cancer, and that I have breast cancer because I always feel breast pains. I am tired of tourette tics always and constant teeth grinding, Im tired of the headaches and im tired of being tired. I just want to be normal again, before i was abused, when i was social and when i could make friends easily and eye contact, i lost my social life and confidence after the incident being groomed at 17 by a 25 year old. I feel alone and ugly and ashamed and guilty and doubtful and gross. I hate my body and thoughts, I hate my past and it feels like a stain that always irks me that i can not wash off. I feel like in eye contact people can also see the shame i feel in my eyes and that im disgusting. I feel gross all the time. I dont have an appetite anymore either so im not eating as much for that reason as well. I always question if i am a narcissist because i dont want to turn out like my father who is. I feel like a burden, i feel guilty to be wasting earths resources. i feel guilty and ashamed to even type this because i feel like a narcissist for talking about myself so much. i am also depressed because i am 4 foot 9 inches tall even though i am an adult, so my dad will always be taller and he bullies anybody who is smaller, I dont grow vertically so well so im afraid i dont look professional like a tall adult which could potentially affect me career as well as romantic relationship-wise. I just want to erase my past and erase the tattoo on my body and erase the social anxiety, or atleast figure out how to learn from it and move on. I dont know how to move on, any advice?