Harm ocd with depersonalisation/derealisation

Hi all, does or has anyone experienced both symptoms of harm ocd ( where they exhaust themselves thinking they’re going to hurt themselves or someone) and also suffering from severe depersonalisation where you’re in disbelief and unsure of every single thing you do in you day to day life ? Well I suffer bad have suffered from both and was on lexapro for 12 years which was great and kept my symptoms under control and I was able to function like a normal human until I decided to taper off it over the period of 6 weeks because I felt like it made me numb in a lot of aspects of life . I felt ok after stopping for 3 weeks but then I had a severe panic attack while undergoing an MRI for something completely unrelated to mental health and from that day on I hit rock bottom! I realised that I was claustrophobic and My ocd came back twice as hard , my depression and worse of all the depersonalisation and derealisation which I’m still going through as we speak . I want to know and please be completely honest if you have ever doubted whether you’re still alive or not , whether you made it home safe or did you crash into that car ? Whether you is really you? And feel too afraid to even tel the closest people to you because they will they will think that you’ve lost your marbles ?I fee like there is no way to reassure myself that I’m still here because I feel so disconnected which in return spikes the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts … I have restarted lexapro since two weeks now but feel disheartened that it’s not really working for my OCD and the frustrating thing is that it worked for 13 years before ! So my doctor has also referred me to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist which gives me more anxiety anyways because what if they think I’m crazy and since I’m always super anxious about developing schizophrenia Or becoming psychotic what if they confirm that I have those illnesses? Sorry long post but I know I’ll recover someday soon because if I did it before I can do it again!

j09182

Date posted: 3y

Hi! These thoughts are VERY common when dealing w DPDR. I promise you you are real and it is your brain messing w you. When we experience DPDR it is extremely normal to feel out of touch with yourself therefore questioning reality. The best thing to do for this to fade is to accept that it’s there. The more u look into it and worry the more and longer it’s going to linger. You’re not alone

enoughocd

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much for your reassurance 🙏🙏 I am so frightened of developing schizophrenia or anything of that nature I’m constantly telling myself my name , my date of birth and all my other personal details because thats about all that’s left of me ! and every time I try to connect with myself and wonder if I’m really me or not , anxiety sets off and the cycle never ends …

j09182

Date posted: 3y

@enoughocd You need to try ur hardest to stop checking bc those things you listed are all compulsions which is feeding the DPDR

enoughocd

Date posted: 3y

Yeah it’s just sooooo difficult hence I’m on medication I know once the medication kicks in ( if it ever will) I’ll be able to probably ignore these thoughts or at least feel a little bit of certainty. It’s like a never ending nightmare and I feel like no one has eve experienced what I’m going through except people who are having psychosis and that’s bloody scary 😟

laladracu

Date posted: 18w

Harm ocd

I’ve been through a lot of trauma the past few months and years and had an anxiety breakthrough where I can’t stop having panic and anxiety attacks. I used to be a horror movie addict and one night during an anxiety attack my brain went “Kill your sister” My sister is my whole world. It all went downhill from there. I can’t even be around her when were home alone anymore. Every single day since then my brain is trying to tell me a bunch of different ways to harm her. Its getting to a point where its involving others now. “Kill your sister.” “What if you finally go back to your boyfriends house and kill his family?” “What if you kill mom?” “Kill that lady walking down the aisle at work.” “What if you killed yourself?” “You’re a bad person for thinking all of this.” “You shouldn’t be allowed to sleep, eat or relax. Bad people don’t get to do those things.” “These thoughts are in your head 24/7 because you WANT to do these things!” Its causing me so much anxiety and racing thoughts and I don’t want to become anymore depressed. SSRIs dont work. My doctor wants me to go on antipsychotics but I’m afraid to and I feel like I don’t actually need them and it will cause more damage. My goal is to become the person I was before all of this. Not to change completely. I tried buspirone once and I stopped due to increased health anxiety and often found myself saying “remember when you wanted to kill your sister?” and then brushing it off. It helped in some sort of way. I was only on it for a week. My whole life has changed since then. I dont go to my boyfriends house anymore, I dont see my friends, I can’t play video games anymore. All I do is ruminate and I cant stop. I cant even hold a conversation anymore. The compulsions are horrible. I’m so scared that theres no coming back from this. Its all adding to the anxiety that I don’t want to become severe depression. I just want to be me again. I’m starting off ERP and if it doesn’t work I dont know what to do. Can someone please tell me they have been through similar and have gotten better. I just need to save my life. Its getting to a point where this is convincing me this is all real and its going to happen and that im gonna become a psychopath. Its been going on for 3 months. I used to be so bubbly and happy!! (I am not schizoaffective)

galina

Date posted: 17w

New here and want to connect

I’m new to treatment and only realized I have OCD a few months ago. I went through a tough and abusive marriage and ended up getting divorced. I had my first panic attack several years ago and ended up needing to go on Lexapro. This helped me significantly and allowed me to leave my partner. Several years later and I decided to stop Lexapro because I thought I was good to go. I’m in a very healthy relationship, have a great job, friends/family, go to the gym and have a wonderful life. It’s been about a year off the meds and I’ve had some panic, but I’ve been able to manage it. For some reason, the last three weeks has been really difficult for me. I have different spirals and different thought processes: what if I’m schizophrenic? What if I have a deeper mental disorder? What if I hurt someone? What if I need to leave my partner? What if I end up becoming so depressed that I end up hurting myself? My brain just goes from one what if to the next and once I conquer one, the next one pops up with even more intensity. I started taking NAC and inositol and I’m taking saffron during the day because I really don’t wanna go on back on medication but sometimes my thoughts scare me and I’m convinced that I’m not gonna get better and I know that’s just the OCD loop, but I’m wondering if this resonates with anyone else!

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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Harm ocd with depersonalisation/derealisation

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