can someone please talk to me

thank you, also i have done so much research, and watch a guy on youtube that talks about ocd and in the past i had trouble with liking my thoughts and then having anxiety afterwards, or feeling no anxiety and then having anxiety because i didn’t have anxiety, it’s just so hard for me to find anyone that relate too me about anything, and i try to remind myself that everyone’s ocd is different.

basically i’ll have an intrusive thought if i get triggered or see something, and have a gronial response, and then either my brain automatically thinks of my boyfriend when i have these responses, or i think of them i’m not sure, but i like the feeling when i think of him that way, but when i feel the feeling towards other thoughts it bothers me, and then i start too freak out because the original response was it too an intrusive thought, and then i think of my boyfriend and the feeling gets stronger and i like the response too that, basically what i’m saying what i’m worried about is, is that the response i’m having and then thinking of my boyfriend that way makes me think just because it stemmed from the intrusive thought makes me a bad person, I don’t know if this makes any kind of sense, but it just bothers me, idk, and I have had a really bad day, and everything seems too trigger me, and the only time i have intrusive thoughts well mainly is if i’m triggered by something or out and about or if im scrolling on social media or if i’m in a sexual situation, but then there are times where i have them randomly, and I can’t afford to get therapy through here, I don’t have a job or insurance, and the only way right now for me to get medication is through the place i’m getting group therapy, and that’s not even for my ocd, and my mom has to pay for my medication, I just wanna be normal, I want my old life back, I have tried doing self erp but then i do compulsions and i ruminate, and then stop, and then i get triggered and the cycle continues on too something else. I would rather have any other kind of theme then pocd, I would rather deal with all the other themes but this one, and it sucks.

yeah sometimes

i watch those and others as well, i have joined support groups on discord, those are also pretty helpful

i just want this too be over, and i’m so scared that i’m gonna be mine this forever, i just want my old life back