A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.

I’ve had those same exact feelings! And something that I’ve realized that helps, is shrugging them off. Doing exactly the opposite of what every instinct in your body is telling you to do (fight them). When you show them that they have no weight, no importance, they cower. You starve them. And then eventually, they have absolutely no control over you.

It’s like my head is mimicking all of the things lgbtq people go through. It makes me “scared” of coming out when I really don’t know what I will be coming out to. Of not being accepted and stuff. When I really don’t even know what I am. It’s like I can’t imagine myself with a guy now

I’m so sorry @JM1998! I totally understand the fear and the feeling that everything you’ve ever wanted could be lost. A feeling is not the truth however, we should hold onto that.

Leah, I understand you 100%. Because, all I’ve ever wanted was a wife one day, specifically my beautiful girlfriend of almost 3 years, I hope that day does come, and yes, I want kids with her, I want to travel with her, and grow old with her. Then all of a sudden, I’m 20 years old and my mind has gone broken. I’m triggered by a coworker and I can’t even look at him in the eye. I’ve had terrible OCD anxiety moments at work. This has happened since January. Im just scared about all this. It has made me question everything.

I know. It still makes me doubt everything. Automatically

Look, I just want my babygirl, my girlfriend, and this has made me doubt everything. Before, I loved saying that, now it just feels like I’m a liar.

you are completely right. thanks for that

Thank you for understanding! @??? And of course- that’s what makes this the ‘doubting disease’ @JM1998, I totally get you.

I think it’s important to know that 1. Sexual orientation is a spectrum and that you can accept the uncertainty of not knowing where you are exactly on that spectrum if you ask most people about how they really know what their sexual orientation is they will give a vague answer “I just know” In reality they are not more certain then you they just haven’t been bullied by the OCD monster into doubting themselves. You don’t have to chase the fleeting feeling of certainty there more you try grab into the further away it will move 2 the content of ocd is irrelevant, it’s fake news. This is evident but the fact that ocd is always changing the content to whatever is most scary in your life right now hence why who have had multiple obsessions. Also remember you are an expert at getting over obsessions I am guessing the old obsessions have largely faded into the background and have been replaced hocd how did you start to let go of the old ones? For me it has been accepting that thoughts are just thoughts not secret messages about my secret desires and nature and that I can handle uncertainty in life regardless of the ocd content. The reason hocd is painful isn’t because you are homophobic it because it feels like a threat to your sense of self I.e who you thought you were

Yes I totally agree to that @idont241. And yea that is how I handled previous intrusive thoughts, this one has just hit me harder with things like PMS and stress of college and general rise in anxiety levels. Thank you for the tips though!:)

Thank you for that @chai, that genuinely made me feel so happy. And thank you so much for understanding as well, one of my fears is my being misunderstood. ?❤️

Alright, so ever since i was born (im 15 soon 16) i was always so sure in my sexuality, i never doubted my straightness. I always have wanted to have kids in the future and get a wife, im pretty skinny so and im un confident and i dont have that great self esteem. My freind showed me porn at the age of 10 and from there on ive watched porn. when i started to get into more hardcore porn like incest and nasty shit like that, thats when i started to get HOCD, i dont watch it that much anymore but i believe ive fapped my self to oblivan im talkin like 8 times a day sometimes but at least 2 a day. 7 months ago i got HOCD and its made me insecure in my sexuality and its made me loose my dezire to get a girl or get kids, wich is very sad for me and depressing. I feel kinda numb and its made me feel bi and asexual. I dont know if ill revert back to my true self or if its my puberty changing me or my sexuality or if ive been in deep denial my whole life but didnt have the slightest clue.