I think i need help, I'm slowly losing my sanity.

Hello there ! I have been suffering from ocd problem since about 10 years old. I think it will pass when I grow up, but now I am 20 years old and nothing has changed. I have no idea what to do, think or feel anymore. i need help maybe you can give some advice? When I went to the psychiatrist last year, she told me I had bipolar disorder. I started taking medications for bipolar disorder but it didn't help my ocd. The drugs just made me sleep more than usual. My anxiety is fear of loving things I don't like and not knowing it. i.e. disturbing thoughts.To give an example, I think that something bad should happen to someone I love. And I'm not impressed because I know it's just a thought. but ocd tells me. "You didn't feel any anxiety because you want it to happen and you let it happen. In your heart you wish it would happen" this time I'm filled with serious anxiety and I start to fear and regret "How can I accept this, do I really want it". When I relieve myself by saying "no no I don't want to" which I think is the compulsive part. my brain or ocd says "No, you accepted this" while struggling with it as a result of long efforts, yesterday I stopped doing ocd by saying "yes, I didn't bother and I accepted it, but that doesn't mean I want it". I was relieved and thought the whole OCD was over. but ocd squeezes me again saying "why did you relax? because you already want it". I say "Yes I want" just to not do ocd. This time I'm going into serious regret, self-loathing, and depression for admitting something I hate.If I still hate it after accepting it, do I really accept it? Or do I just want to accept that I accept? I don't know if I really want these. I really need someone to tell me that I don't want any of this. but this is the compulsiveness of getting approval from others. I don't know what to do, believe what to believe. I know it was a silly fight with myself. I'm sorry to bother you, but I don't share my problem with anyone because I'm embarrassed. I'm slowly drifting into depression. I don't enjoy anything, I question the meaning of life. I always had a tendency to melancholy. Even now ocd is putting pressure on me saying "you love depression, you actually want it, you don't actually want to get better". To sum it up, I need help. thank you for reading. I hope it didn't affect your ocd. with best wishes for your recovery.