It feels like whatever I do,it’s a project for me

I’m feeling kind of sad cause today was not a really good day in terms of my ocd. I was feeling kind of foggy/numb and that send me to spiraling. I’m 21 years old currently studying but my family has been having trouble with money for the last couple years(we’re just me and my mom) and I kinda want to get a job but everything is far from my home and I wouldn’t be able to return back at night, also it’s either way more expensive to move or the schedule wouldn’t let me take my classes. The point is that because of that every time my mom is stress tends to treat me bad, she speaks to me like I’m stupid or she just screams to nothing cursing all life and everything and that actually makes me feel soo bad and guilty for not doing anything, I know it’s hard for me to get a job that actually helps us without quitting school but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden. I want to help, I want to maybe hug her or something but I know she will be angrier and probably will reject it. So that’s it, I just feel like she punishes me for the stress she’s carrying and I get it but one day is happy and it feels like all love and the next is treating me like that, Idk it’s hard (also I feel like I shouldn’t be saying this cause it’s all my fault) 🫤

I hate feeling constantly conflicted no matter what. I have noticed with food intake, I find myself going back and forth between obsessing over eating too much and fear of gaining any weight to obsessing over eating too little and fear of losing an unhealthy amount of weight and the negative consequences of such. I am getting married this year and continuously think about how I need to be mindful and not eat too much since I need to fit into my dress and feel confident on my wedding day, as I don’t want to look back at pics and be unhappy with how I look. But I also think about how if I don’t eat enough, I will look too thin and will not be confident in myself, and will look back and be unhappy. Idk. It is so hard because I am always trying to figure out what is “right” but it feels like there is no “right.” And I have a really hard time recognizing what my body ACTUALLY looks like physically, not really knowing how I appear to others

Each night I go to bed determined to stop compulsions and start beating this disorder. Then I wake up and it smacks me in the face first thing and I’m doing a compulsion before I know it. I told my therapist that I would try to handle it like we do in session, but I’ve already failed. It seems like I can’t bring ERP into my “real” life.