Need advice: return of sexually intrusive thoughts

Alright so I had very severe childhood OCD that was significantly helped with medication in my teens. I’ve since tapered off the meds and was doing ok for a while. I’m now in my early 20s and have had two episodes of severe anxiety and some depression coming back but I’ve managed it with therapy and other methods. I unfortunately entered another episode of this and noticed some OCD tendencies returning, fearing that I would snap and commit suicide, fears about going insane followed by mental compulsions. It’s important to mention that I have an amazing partner right now that I love so incredibly much who is so supportive I’m not used to it. I started to get fears that I was attracted to other people (when I didn’t actually want to be with the other people) and would obsess over it and feel intense guilt. Then things got worse. I went home at the beginning of the summer and had a sexually intrusive thought about my sister. It was so incredibly disturbing but I immediately latched onto it and took responsibility and for the last few weeks have been stuck in this horrible spiral of fear that I might be attracted to my sister. I hate it and it disgusts me. But my sister is gorgeous, so I keep thinking because I notice this I’m a freak and want to be with her even though I have no desire to do that. It makes me feel so so sick and horrible but I can’t get rid of that “what if” and worry that I’m using OCD as an excuse to hid my “true feelings”. I’m shattered. I’ve never felt so guilty in my life. I have so much hatred for myself. I feel like I don’t deserve my family and their support and I definitely don’t feel like I deserve my partner who continues to hold me while I cry and stick by me despite the fact that I’m an emotional mess and have such sick thoughts. I don’t know how to accept the doubt in this situation because it feels so horrifying and wrong and it makes me feel like a terrible person. If I accept it what if it comes true and I develop those feelings? I would never be able to accept myself or forgive that. I was so happy with my family and partner until this happened, now I feel like I’ve destroyed everything good in my life and don’t deserve any of it. Im trying to be self compassionate but obviously I can’t get past the guilt. Why would I be thinking about it this much if it was 100% not true? I don’t know how to fix this. Thanks if you read all this, sorry it’s so long.

OCD_Lemmonaide

Date posted: 3y

I’ve had sexually intrusive thoughts about family members before. They were particularly disturbing to me especially when they were about my mother who was closest to me. Guilt is very tricky. I feel like the culture I live in (here in the US) doesn’t know how to handle guilt well. People will kind of give this advice about self-esteem and what not but it doesn’t seem to help in the end. It certainly didn’t help me. Maybe start by seeking ways to deal with the guilt? I’m certainly no professional but I do know guilt is a powerful, controlling emotion. I’ll just leave this here with the thought that, even if you are a horrible person as your thoughts are telling you, so what? This sounds silly to some people but in my own life I have actually found the greatest happiness and freedom in telling myself that I don’t deserve my life and everything is a gift. It hurts my heart to see anyone live in self-hatred when I have seen that freedom is possible.

Oneday

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

You are not alone. Please have compassion for yourself. You are human and thoughts are just thoughts.

footballNY32

Date posted: 21w

POCD FALSE MEMORIES ADVICE?

Hello everyone I need some advice. I’ve struggled with what I think and hope is ocd for a long time. It started when I was 14 I had a concussion and my brain convinced myself for 9 months that I had this concussion. Then I had a gf at 15 before we were official I did a terrible thing im regretful of it for sure. I kissed another girl. I told my now ex girlfriend about it and I started to overthink the situation and think maybe I slept with the girl or maybe we did more than kiss. In reality we didn’t. when I turned 16 I started having thoughts of maybe I cheated on her with other girls at our school. It would be false memories of me sleeping or doing things with 4 or 5 other girls. That eventually went away as I would ask reassurance like a crazy person. Then one day what I believe was either Christmas time or new years around that time I had this thought “what if I SA’d my ex little sister?” This thought tormented me for so long I couldn’t believe it. As she was so young it would be impossible for me to do that without someone noticing plus that’s absolutely horrifying and disgusting and I’ve never ever ever ever been alone with her or desired to. Then what I knew would happen came along with me thinking I SA’d my little sister or my baby brother at the time. It was a horrible experience. Then it went to me thinking I was a pedo without the false memories. Then it went to my other siblings thinking I did something to them in their sleep, I did something to the pets, etc. As I got older I realized what ocd was and what I was going through and it eventually all went away. But as time goes on I’m now almost 24 I have spiraled back into thinking I SA my ex little sister. It’s crazy because I’ve never had that desire or anything at all it would absolutely break me if that was true. With something like this saying maybe not maybe it did is crazy because it’s a serious thing. I’m getting therapy on Monday and am just wanting my life back. I just recently got engaged to my beautiful fiancé and I want to be regular again. Anyone have any advice or even have gone through the same scenarios? It’s just so tough.

Roseptlss

Date posted: 21w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Need help, PLEASE +18

I got diagnosed with OCD (variant POCD) about 3/4 yeats ago. Lately I've been really confused and makes me uncomfortable this ideas that I've had dreams in my sleep where I have romantic/sexual interactions with my older sibling— I know it's disgusting, and I don't know what to do. Recently I got a boyfriend after years of being without a partner, and he makes me so happy along my friends, but sometimes at random points of the day I have this episodes with minors or my sibling, and the ones with him start to go heavier when I'm at home or alone. The first thing that comes to mind for me to do is always how much I don't wanna live, harm myself or what is my purpose at this point (22fem) having this problems. I feel weirded out when I pass them over, and suddendly think about not giving them the atention because how important they are in a negativa way. I'm just anxious writing this, I need help. Is someone living the same? How do you work on it? I will always be like this from now? — thanks in avance and sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language

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Need advice: return of sexually intrusive thoughts

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