i finally got a laptop so i can do online sessions and be able to look stuff up better nocd doesnt accept my insurance and im on ssi and get 560 a month and cant afford therapy im hopeing theyll accept my insurnace soon ive been looking for online docotrs that can prescribe me medications and help me find other ocd therapists to help me theres alot of mental health olaces round me but none that realy understand ocd they dont realy have time to tlk to you and i feel like they dont have the ability to prescribe medications properly if there not able to tlk to you and only prescribeing 1 antidepressant isnt gonna help as much as prescribeing a few for all your symptoms i struggle at nite i wake up alot cause i have anixety cause i dont want to get off my phone and stop watching tv i have alot of anxiety i have ocd and depression i was on medications wit no therapy cause i had no idea there was therapy for ocd and i was doing well for awhile then my ocd got triggered and i just was laying in the bed all day i was staying up late and still do i gained alot of weight which wouldnt matter to me if i was better but i wasnt so i was bigger for no reason i tried admitting myself into the mental hospital but they didnt understand ocd i keep my clothes in bags i wash my hands prior ot touching them and getting them out to do my dressing ritual everyday i chnage my cothes i lay my clothes out a certain way put them on a certain way i get out my deodorant and qtip and wash my hands everytime i touch something and i ou tmy hair up in a bun and use face pads on my face its all done a certain way like order and symmetry i wash my hand sget my clothes out i undress a certain then pu tmy clothes on a certain way then deodorant clean my ears then wash my hands then ahir up then face pads then wash hands again when i went to the hsopital they went threw all of my clothes i was crying telling them i cant have ppl touching them they dont allow qtips so my dressing ritual was being messed up i was gonna have a roommate and share a abthroom so id have to do my dressing ritual on the floor of the bathroom and take up the bathroom i cant wash my own hair cause it takes to long the process is just aggravateing its hard for me to shower and shave and pluck my eyebrows ive not worn makeup in along time and not straightned my hair its all hard i went to the hospital to get help but they couldnt accomodate my ocd and me being different and not being able to help wat i do witout getting help for it the doctor there told me they didnt have the resources to help me and refered me to a place in chicago for ocd but when i got home and did the over the phone call appointment they denied me cause my insurance can only be used in my state but there is no inpatient ocd place in my state theres 1 outpatient a few hours away but they dont take my insurance and i dont think i could make the drive im up late im tired i can barely take care of myself and get ready i live in tennessee i was told i could move to the state were theres an inpatient facility but i cant do that rite now i just want to find a doctor thatll listen prescribe me some medications so i can start to feel better anf maybe be able to drive to therapy if i can even find somewere thatll accept my insurance i have tenncare theres also a place in canada that accepts usa insurance as long as your insurnace will cover it they have like a year long program and online stuff the only thing that sucks is im on suboxene i started useing drugs when i got discharged from the hsopital that reffered me to that place in chicago and denied me and was on drugs for a few years on and off doing suboxene and alot of places wont allow you to be on drugs and be on suboxene.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…