Dealing with an unsupportive family

Hi all. I hope you're doing well today. For context, I'm 17 (about to turn 18 in like 6 months). I've had OCD symptoms for a while (it used to be primarily moral scurpulosity) but after trying in-person school again I because incredibly obsessed with COVID and contamination. I'm talking long showers, half and hour to an hour long cleaning sessions, being unable to sleep before school, etc. Since stopping in person school and staying home more, my compulsions havent really gone away. I still shower and wash my hands a lot, struggle with near constant anxiety over contamination. It has been super difficult to deal with. When I first noticed my contamination symptoms I thought that maybe the only silver lining in it (because we all know OCD is awful) would be that my parents would finally understand that my OCD is serious, because previously I had brought up my moral scurpulosity OCD (which I had been diagnosed with) and my parents literally laughed when I asked to see an OCD specialist. But it didnt turn out that way. My parents, mostly my mom, yell at me if they notice me doing "too many" visible compulsions. They put a lot of emphasis on me having to "act normal" in public, not necessarily my wellbeing. And by yell I mean scream at me for hours on end, followed by days of the silent treatment. They say horrible things to me, too, like how "they cant stand to look at me" and that I'm a "horrible daughter and sister." They also have said multiple times they will kick me out once Im 18. My mom also once said that "she just wanted a normal kid" when she was having me. It hurts so bad and sometimes it makes me cry so hard that I cant even sit up straight, so I'll end up on the floor crying. After 2-4 days things usually go back to "normal" and sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) my mom (never my dad) will apologize (but usually the apology is vague like "sorry for yelling"). But even when things are "normal" I am constantly jumpy and stressed out because I have to do my compulsions in secret, and I have the threat of another round of yelling hanging over my head if I get caught. My parents refuse to get me therapy because they dont believe in it. I really do not ever want to bring it up again because I know they will react with more screaming. I will have a doctors appointment soon (just a check up) and I feel so sad about it because I know I cant bring up my OCD with my doctor because he will talk to my mom and the screaming will start again. I wanted to post this because I was wondering if anyone had any tips? I am trying to plan for me to be fully independent by the time I'm 18. But I was wondering if people have any idea to cope with this? I'm just at a loss because I feel like my entire concept of "unconditional love" is shattered. And I also feel like this stress will be never ending, even though logically I know that one day I will be independent and on my own and just able to exist in my own space without being judged or yelled at.

redmuse22

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

OCD is hard. Emotionally abuse family is hard. I'm so sorry you family is being cruel. That is THEIR choice and only reflects their worth, not yours. You are a very strong person to living with all of this. Once you are legally an adult, you do have a lot more privacies than before which helps immensely. Are you able to get a moment alone at your upcoming appointment? One of the nurses might be able to discreetly get you information and resources. Emphasize to the doctor that you are not in a safe environment + mentioning OCD to your parents would cause you harm. If you don't trust your current doctor to respect your privacy, as much as it sucks it may be best to wait until you are 18 and get a new doctor and make sure to not list any of your family on the HIPAA/information release forms. Until you are out, if you can, try to practice reduction so you lessen any harm to yourself when acting out compulsions. (Just a made up example: if you wash your hands five times, try reducing it to only 4 times. Or if you use super hot water, change it to only slightly hot water etc). Are you able to spend any time out of the house, such as a public park or a library? Not as severe a situation as yours, but I tried to spend time away from the places I associated with stress or keep myself distracted with reading. It hurts that they don't listen. It may feel like a defeat, but try not to bring up your OCD since right now it is triggering emotional abuse. Right now the priority is surviving this until you are in a safe place to start healing.

sonyakvitka

Date posted: 3y

Thank you for your comment! I keep reminding myself that it will get better and future me is rooting for me. Again, thanks so much for the comment, I really appreciate it. OCD can feel isolating on it's own, not even considering when your family does not understand. I'm glad this community is here to lessen that feeling of loneliness. :)

c0dfish

Date posted: 18w

How to keep contamination ocd from taking over?

(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.

Adi7

Date posted: 18w

Advice please ❤️

Hi ❤️ I’m really struggling right now I’m in my sophomore year of Highschool and I’ve finally started planning or thinking abt my future (for context I was extremely depressed and suicidal from 6-9th grade) After conquering my depression this is a huge leap for me and I’m proud of myself ❤️ But there’s something still holding me down :( and I’m not sure what to do anymore that thing is OCD. Since 6th grade I have had strong and invasive intrusive thoughts all the time they scare me so bad and make me feel as though I’m not even real anymore :( I’m sick of taking the time to do ridiculous compulsions to rid or ease these thoughts it’s a waste of time and energy and it hurts me so bad I feel like I will never get to just live my life without this :( How can I plan my future when I can’t even find myself in this mess of anxiety 💔 I’m so tired of fighting my mental health it’s been years from anxiety attacks to sh to survived suicide attempts (I got help dw❤️‍🩹) and recovery there. Just to be thrown into a storm of awful scary sickening thoughts day and night-when can I just be a normal teenager and possibly a happy adult? How do I conquer this so I can love myself to the fullest and live my life free and happy? :( ❤️❤️‍🩹 I’m so scared to talk to my parents about it I’m ashamed of my thoughts and every time I bring it up they just say I shouldn’t be diagnosing myself or it’s just ADHD. It really really hurts me they have no idea how awful this feels and it makes me feel so alone sometimes 💔

flyana

Date posted: 17w

My mom keeps telling me it's not OCD

My mom will sit and listen to me for quite a while, but she interrupts a lot and gets angry/upset. While I appreciate her passion, it's often stressful. Every time I come to her, if I even *mention* OCD, she gets frustrated and says, "Everyone deals with these issues, you know. It doesn't mean it's OCD." And I repeat, "I'm not saying my issues are unique — I'm saying the way I respond to them is a problem." But she just shakes her head and says, "Okay, I need to get back to my day." Full context, I'm an adult, and I live with my boyfriend, but I'm staying at my mom's for the next month. After living away from home for years, I went back to living with her during the pandemic, and I only recently left to live with him. Honestly, I think living with her for so long in my adulthood really messed with me and made me feel like a teenager all over again. I feel like my mental growth is stunted, and that's part of why my OCD is so bad lately. Not blaming, just noticing. She doesn't seem to understand how relieving the OCD diagnosis has been for me, because it explains so so so many things I've struggled with for years, and it's exciting to have more resources that can help me. But I think she sees it as me finding an excuse to *not* work on myself, which is just untrue. I'm not going to let OCD hold me back or use it as an excuse, but I'm also not going to pretend it's not a problem when I know it is — I was even diagnosed through NOCD. The whole point being to fix it, not use it as a crutch. When I have an issue, it's unbearable. Any issue, big or small, feels just the same. I feel a sinking feeling, my mind races, my heart beats out of my chest. I end up running to my support systems, crying, ruminating for days on end. Then, months later, the same exact issue can feel like nothing anymore, because it's no longer an obsession. I'm sure everyone deals with issues in a similar way, but I *know* there is something specific and debilitating going on with me. This is reassurance seeking, but in the face of being told I'm making a big deal out of nothing, can someone diagnosed with OCD tell me if they relate to the specific intensity of these feelings??

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Dealing with an unsupportive family

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