Compulsions

Nearly a week since I stopped in the middle of a compulsion and I still feel stressed and tempted to finish it. My throat, ears, head, chest, legs,arms, my body has been hurting since then. And if I finish it will it stop? But what's stopping me is.. I've been trying to trust God to handle it. Idk what to do rn, Ive been trying to set up a schedule for this week but it ended up not working out so I will try again next week, and School work I'm years behind (I'm in yr 10), I don't rlly have any friends either to help me. But anyways I try not to think about school that much since I have alot more to think about. And I don't even have any talent or anything I want to be I just want to be a good person but I'm horrible I just need to do focus on stuff Like getting closer to God. looking after myself. The OCD thoughts which. I can't do any of these tho because the OCD makes me so stressed I just want to hit the OCD in the face but I can't obviously so I do it to myself, And they make me want to do more to myself but I don't because ✝️ And I don't want to. Anyways I can't even do the basic things to look after yourself, and The OCD thoughts keep saying about death all the time, and illness. I don't like hearing it in my head all the time I can't do anything properly. And Those thoughts are active when I try read the Bible. Even when I used an audio bible. And a app where u read 1 verse at a time it's still hard. But basically what do I do My throat keeps feeling weird like burning without the feeling hot ughhshsheh I don't want to go back into that life when I was 12-13 where I was worrying about my health and checking with doctor all the time

So I am a practicing Catholic, and I've gotten into reading the Bible this year, praying the Rosary, things like that, and while I love to do that, my OCD has been seeming to take over, in ways such as like I have to read the Bible for a certain amount of time before I'm satisfied with the time read, or something along those lines, and it's starting to make the thought of praying and reading the Bible unenjoyable, which is really hurting me inside, because I used to and want to enjoy it so bad, but now this is making it really hard to, because it feels like I don't have control over my own thoughts, and little things trigger the thoughts, it's just so annoying. If there's anything anyone thinks I can do to combat this please let me know.

I don't really know if these will count as ocd 'proof' and I'm almost trying to prove to myself that I have ocd at this point. I really don't know. And these don't even mention my current themes (pocd, soocd) and rocd but its kind of stopping idk. So here's what I wrote do you think it's worth mentioning or it even counts as ocd idk? -Blinking in a certain way, breathing in a certain manner till it feels right, making sure that im breathing right, holding my breath for a bit again and again, made sounds that disturbed others (my mom) because of that. -Focusing too much on my eyesight and what i see to make sure I don't have symptoms of an Illness in the eye, checking my body reactions a lot and getting scared. Checking my pulse regularly for a heart attack. Fear of dying, researching random illnesses of symptoms I have -When i was a child I pictured my family dying a lot and got intrusive thoughts about their heads being cut off, especially in Eid El adha (where we basically sacrifice cows and sheep) I couldn't handle being there because I was scared that the guy killing the cow will accidentally cut my mom's head instead and I'd picture it so graphically. random intrusive thoughts about me doing harm to others but they didn't make me anxious just disturbed, fear that someone will get in the house and kill my whole family since I was a child that I have a slight fear of doorbells. Can be sensitive to gorey images but not always a persistent fear unless I'm focused on it. In the streets I get stressed out by cars around me because I get thoughts that someone will shoot me and kill me from the car. Fear of dying in general as a kid I saw a video that talked about if you see fish in your dream it means you'll die soon and I wasn't able to sleep for a long time without literally collapsing out of tiredness because I was scared of sleeping and dying in my sleep. -Irrational fears when I hear really loud sounds, as a kid I'd hear sounds of parties or so and it stresses me out because I got intrusive thoughts about someone playing party songs but killing everyone in the enjoyment of the killing. Doorbell sounds stress me out and I keep hearing the doorbell ringing in my ears a lot that I check the door randomly sometimes. -When I play games I have to do things a certain way and I can click on a button multiple times in a different pattern until it feels right, repeating prayers constantly until they feel right. Same with the breathing from before idk if these count -I question morals a lot, I'm not sure If it's in an ocd manner but I am really scared of being a bad person with bad morals, I get scared I'm racist and sometimes I see someone from a different race and I get racist thoughts like racial slurs or so get in my head, I question morals in general a lot and the idea of them and why they exist. And that makes me scared that I'm just a terrible person and I don't want to be. I can fixate on "trying to do what's right" too much that I end up messing up more -Immense guilt on things from a long time ago that I already dealt with. -what I'd say my worst compulsions are (pure o I think) : Checking constantly, feelings or thoughts or reactions. Sneaky reassurance seeking from friends and confessing my thoughts. Excessive ruminating trying to find an answer, can take so long out of my life that I can't eat or drink. Researching my thoughts and asking people. Repeating prayers in my head constantly even though I'm not religious anymore but I get so disturbed by my thoughts.