feel like i’m spiraling again.. this seems to happen when i start feeling better.. But basically I was just playing video games and it felt like I was flirting with them or try too show off, which is normal “the showing off part”, but it made me feel like I was doing it for other reasons, and I don’t know if it was a kid or not but my ocd automatically makes it seem like it is, and in that in the moment when im doing certain things in the game I’m doing something wrong, or even if im holding my nephew or my best friends twins, it feels like im holding them a certain way for a feeling but I don’t think that is the case, and then when I think I am I freak out and can only hold them for like 5ish minutes… I was doing so good, I haven’t even been posting on here, and I think what mainly has me in a spiral is that I got offered a job offer as a manager and she said we need too run a back ground check, and she as a joke said “literally to make sure you’re not a pedofile”…. I also have been doing compulsions again.. I stopped for a whole but now I’m spiraling…. and then also I’m scared my medication isn’t gonna work anymore because I have been on it 4 months and my moms friend said hers just stopped working out of no where.. and then when i hold my nephew or my friends children it makes me think i’m holding them a certain way for a reason and then my feelings get all messed up and it’s very distressing afterwards…. and sometimes even during because I feel like i’m holding them so awkwardly… idk just feel like my thoughts and feelings are a lot worse then they have been here lately and it sucks.. I would rather have my harm ocd again, or something else, I just want this to go away… and as I type this my brain goes “no you want this” it’s so weird how ocd is, and how it can take me calling something cute into something completely wrong or make me feel like I did something wrong and then I start ruminating and making it into something it’s not.. I just need someone to talk too, because i’m scared and I don’t wanna spiral again and be where I was again.

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

I am really worried because I felt confident about my appearance today, then I found myself thrown into imagining if I did certain things like flipping my hair or just looking good around a certain coworker and they'd find it attractive. I don't like that coworker at all and I'm in a happy relationship with my boyfriend, this made me feel awful and I starting feeling disloyal again. I don't know if it's an old habit, a desire for external validation, or what. I can't tell if this was a thought pattern connected to my last post or not. All I know is that I'm really stuck right now. I feel like every time I pick myself back up, I fall right back down again, like there's ice in the road. I can't help but feel like everything I touch or everything I think about crumbles. I feel like my own mind is against me and I don't know who to trust anymore. These small OCD spirals are really messing with my work life, s*x life, everything really, and it's getting to me. I feel with every spiral that I'm getting sucked into a depression again and I don't know what's next. It doesn't matter how small the "bad" thing that "i did" was, but I feel that every little thing is building up to a point and something is going to crash down. I need help. What do I do? Right when everything around me seems to be going up, I feel like I'm being dragged down and I can't do this anymore. Please help me.