I did a mental ERP session

It made me super uncomfortable because i welcomed gross intrusive thoughts and like I didn’t stop them and then I caught w hold of myself and like I am thoroughly disgusted with my thoughts and this guilt makes me feel immensely uncomfortable. I don’t like it and I don’t agree with the thoughts at all, but I feel like a creep for even thinking that way I am genuinely disappointed in myself I feel like I failed and I hate it. I came to and realized how messed up the thoughts were and I believe thag was my intention beforehand but I think I just wanted to get it out of my head or something while still keeping it in, but like I still thought some messed up stuff and I don’t like that. I am doubting if that was actually me or if it was intrusive and I hate it. I got worried about being a creep and letting loose all my fucked upness in erp but like it makes me feel as if I am in denial of something, like erp is just my excuse to let loose almost like I will enjoy it, but that is scaring me. i am doubting the person I am and I don’t like what is happening in my head. I keep saying hey you didn’t go there in your head but thw problem is that I went to some dark places and like it was truly awful. I was about my senses for the most part and it is making me feel so bad. I feel like I am just a bad guy because I am thinking this stuff, I don’t wanna think this more than anything I want it to go away and I figured maybe by enabling dark thoughts it would get it out but like I feel so much guilt and I don’t even like the thoughts pr anything they’re intrusive but part of me is convinced that I am enjoying them and I feel so awful, I am not getting off on these disgusting images I project in my head amd the thiughts that follow but seriously I don’t like it and its getting me to a point where I want to avoid things like even looking at people and I have found myself stopping breathing because I domt wanna smell things, or mot swallowing the food in my mouth because I was mistaking it for something else. I didn’t like the thought it just happened but I still hate that it was there. I am trying to move on but I just like don’t like where my head went, I don’t think I did it right, but I kept thinkimg bad things so I figured facing it head on would help and when I had an intrusive thought which I forced sorta I feel nothing but shame amd guilt. I never got off on amy of it and I wnjoyed absolutely none of it I was mad in my head, I was feeling immensely uncomfortable the whole day but after that I feel as if I am ok, I enabled an intrusive thought, and thought about stuff it was gross and made me uncomfortable so I pulled away from the grossness in my head.

CrazyApes

Date posted: 3y

Ok this was a poor decision because instead of facing my fears in a normal way I looked at them in a trivial manner and just let intrusive thoughts flow but I enabled them to overflow and now I am beginning to question if I am a genuinely bad person because instead of pausing for guilt I just kept going and going, and at one point while like reacting to grossness I like had this disgruntled face that turned into a smile, but I enjoyed jot being affected by even the most aggressive intrusions because I knew they weren’t real. I am beginning to question that smile but I recall not liking it and also like it wasnt like enjoying any of the thoughts I think it was just a thing that came from my disgruntled face, I dont enjoy any messed up thoughts genuinely and the whole purpose of my little loop of madness was to prove that my thoughts dont have any effect on me because i don’t genuinely like gross stuff and I can say that with confidence. I think I got lost in a sea of intrusion but like I felt oddly ok, I would go as far as to say I felt good, but this doesn’t seem too right with me

Anonymousssssss

Date posted: 25w

Idk what to do

Hey yall, having a tough time. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts while I self pleasure and it GENUIENLY feels like I enjoy them for whatever reason. And then now about half an hour later it’s like okay it’s a sexual thought but I might not actually like it. Idk I just really hate myself, because I basically genuinely liked it in the moment

ivefailed.

Date posted: 24w

going through a very triggering episode help!!!

i was thinking abt the time my ex friend randomly sent me without consent illegal stickers to mess with me me and while i didn't look at it because i didnt want it i read through the description what it was. now my brain is telling me intrusive obsessional questions such as "why is it wrong though?" and trying to convince me this thesis with "think about it", trying to make me doubt my belief. it's a question to which my answer is "obviously wrong" as for me is a dogma but my brain keeps knocking on me and persisting with multiple "why?" and "why?" and "but why' and i feel more and more uncertain, almost like believing it while not wanting it and not liking it. im not attracted to that shit, i didnt enjoy this thought process i was bothered and anxious abt it, not liking it but still distressingly seeing it through. but the obsessional question still persists, and it scared me a lot because i gave it value, i gave it validity by hearing it out and perceiving the possibility of it being true, even though i dont want it at all, I BELIEVED IT!!! i know it's clearly ocd, but i cannot tolerate the fact that i gave it validity and believed it even though not agreeing with it at all. what i want is for it to be wrong and for me to be confident about that, but this thing still happened. im very stressed and also disturbed and feel horrible for believing when i dont want to. i also had a forced egodystonic sudden thought like "huh why would it be wrong if one just did it for <pleasure>? doesn't make sense" in response to a particular disturbing ocd question but that was made it seem and placed as a generic question... as if i didn't want for it to be wrong under that generic circumstance and that is bothering me a lot, im afraid that even if it is egodystonic and i clearly dont believe it is right as i think with more effort and remove that cloud of momentary irrationality, that i still genuinely thought that for a moment, that that thought still happened, but i also remember it being an induced, automatic answer... maybe it's because it was formulated in a manner that made it for me to answer that way. maybe it was just an impulsive fast thought in reaction to the generic aspect and premise of that disturbing wrong question that wasnt thought enough and it doesn't really reflect truth and reality of what i believe. i cant tolerate that i had that thought. was i just manipulated into hearing out that question and i automatically believed that doubt and agreed with the doubt? i dont like that at all. I don't believe it is right, for me it's wrong and disgusting, so why did i have a suspension of the disbelief? im stressed the fuck out from this single moment. i hope that thought was intrusive, but also i know that i don't like it and dont agree with it, but still cannot tolerate that that thought took place. i don't know what to do. i cannot tolerate that i believed this ocd horrible take (even though not agreeing with it). im traumatised by what my ex friends did to me. im hoping it's one of the case that i call condition of existence, that in order to check a intrusive question your brain automatically sets it as "true" in the realm of that thought.

POCD

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

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I did a mental ERP session

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