My Story

As I write this, I am edging a panic attack. Life around me hasn’t felt real for four days now. This isn’t new, however. As a child, I suffered from just right OCD and harm OCD. If something didn’t happen the way my OCD wanted it to happen, then my dad was going to die… It was stupid at the time, and it is stupid now. I forced myself into nightly patterned routines, having to do them just perfectly each time or else my dad wouldn’t be there to wake me up for school the next day. This battle went on for at least 12 years. Soon enough, life ran its course and my father passed away. My OCD didn’t disappear… it was simply shocked, confused, stunned. “If dad is already dead, then why do I need to keep doing these patterns?” I was able to kick that theme for a short time. 2 years later, my OCD stormed back into my life at full-force. During those two years, I did struggle with minuscule things such as doing things evenly. Touching something with my right hand if I touched it with my left, scratching my right arm in the same place I scratched my left, etc. But never in those two years did I have any intrusive thoughts about relatives or friends dying because I didn’t perform a routine. No… it got worse. Existential OCD is the worst experience I have had. I don’t think I coped with my dad’s passing well. He was my best friend. I kind of dodged and real grieving. I cried until I threw up here and there, but never really sat down with the issue. I had a college degree to achieve and a new onslaught of bills to pay for. I also fell in love with outer space. Researching planets, stars, galaxies, black holes. I still am a huge space junkie. But those two things have fed my OCD nonstop. I suffer from extreme depersonalization/derealization in week long terms. Even now, I feel no attachment to reality, emotions, feelings, myself. I just looked in the mirror and almost gave myself a panic attack because I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. If that was really me. If I even do truly exist. The most frightening feeling of the existential OCD that no other theme has made me feel is the inability to leave my house. It has made me completely unable to work away from home, enjoy nice dinners at restaurants, or even go bowling or shoot hoops. I dread and fear leaving the house. Reality doesn’t feel real. My intrusive thoughts debilitate me and strap me to my bedroom. I question everything, and I am changing from this OCD theme. I hate this so much. The anxiety that comes with simply thinking about leaving the house is so severe and stressful. I once was the most extroverted person you would ever meet. Now, I am in an extremely depressive state because I can’t leave my house. Every day is the same. I do the same thing every day and have nothing to look forward to because I cannot leave my house. The depression brings upon such vulgar intrusive thoughts. Makes me feel like my life is worthless and hopeless. However, I know that is not the case. Even though I do not have much feelings of excitement, I know that I have exciting things to come in life. Tomorrow, well later today, I start ERP. I refuse to take medication as of right now because of family history with anti-anxiety & anti-depressant medications. It is how I lost my dad. However, I am hopeful that ERP works. I have heard miraculous things about it. Wish me luck… and I extend the same well wishes to those also along this journey. I want to get better. I want to get my old life back where I could live on my own and be able to just be bored without being anxious and panicked. I look forward to the future, even though the thought of it seems uncertain and gloomy. Thank you for reading.