Please can someome help me. I think I am possessed. In 2016 I developed very bad OCD after a traumatic event and started constantly worrying about the concept of evil. I was constantly preoccupied with intrusive blasphemois thoughts about God and the devil and evil I was in constant terror and in fear of the devil. I would try and avoid anything I saw as evil at all costs (people I saw as evil, numbers I saw as evil...) and I felt a terrible shame that I was evil and I could pass on the evil to others. I became terrifies of a boy in my school who was involved with the occult and so I stopped going to school out of fear of him cursing me. I was diagbosed as having OCD and started seeing an OCD therapist where I started to have exposure therapy which involved confronting and exposing myself to fears such as the boy in ny school, my blasphemous thoughts in order to reduce my constant fear. However this involved doing things such as verbalising my blasphemous thoughts (in order to desesitiise myself to them), exposing nyself to occult things which I hated doing. Howecer I slowly became less fearful of evil and started going to school again and living a more normal life. In 2020 there was a girl that I liked from Kurdistan. I was very fond of her and thinking of asking her out. My very religious friend one evening began talking to me about the occult and devil worshippers which immediatley scared me. I started reading to see if what he said was true and I came across something which talked about there being devil worshippers in Kurdistan. I became instantly scared and worried that God was sending me a sign to say that I shouldnt have abything to do with the girl that I liked. I was very sad and scared as I didnt want to leave the girl I liked a lot and so I remember asking God if I should I go aith the girl and to my shock I got the most decisive, strong and shocking answer that I shouldnt and that she was evil. There was this very odd evil feeling of evil suddenly, so evil anf demonic and alien that I knew it wasnt my thought. It was a force, a temptation a new reality. I coyld either listen to God and stop seeing the girl I liked or go with this evil. I coyldnt give up the girl as I liked her a lot but I felt this profound feeling that I was going against my soul and goving myself to evil. As time went on I felt I had to get rid of God and anything loving as it told me not to go with the girl and I went anyway. Soon it became that I didnt even like the girl anymore but this force urging me to surrender and et rid of anything godlike in my mind was still there. Bit by bit I felt myself surrendering to this evil and my love for life, my mental capacity, my will, my identity, my memories started to diminish every time I continued to accept the evil. At one point I decided that ebough was enougn and I prayed to God and I felt such pdace and truth and felt god telling me to follow him. I felt me again and felt I should tell everyone about God and evil and that I should live a sinless life. But I didnt feel ready to be so religious so quick and so I fell bacl into evil and the problem got much worse. The evil came and was constantly was telling me to surrender and do things I never did before like watch pornography, become reclusive etc and i did as it was the only thing that relieved the pressure. But then it became an addiction and I soon my mind was gone, I couldnt remember my past, think properly, I had to leave university, all I could do was evil. I decided I wanted God back but this was a barrier. I felt I was resisitng God and I had to really overpower this to get to god. I felt the only way was to punish myself to really submit to god and it worked. I had very long cold ahowers up to 5 hours etc to punish the evil side of me and get it to stop and for me to follow god. I also felt I had to tell every person I knew to become religious and start shouting on the street for people to become religious and confess to everyone i knew that i was evil. Even though i knew it was wrong i felt i had to do it. Soon it vecame to much and the cycle startes again.

So about 2 years ago I gave my life to Jesus. I've always been a "Christian" but never truly lived liked one. Honestly never truly felt love for them until 2 years ago. It was the best couple months of my life!!! I felt so happy and loved and unstoppable! I thought this fire for God & Jesus will never burn out. One day I had a thought about is God real? It bothered me so bad and I went into a massive spiral. Doubting everything. My faith. if I was good enough. Am I really saved? Do I have enough faith? Is my doubt real? Is it too much? Have these blasphemous made God not want me anymore? Or Jesus? :( But I knew I was and that they were real! I know I've heard them. Then I started having horrible blasphemous thoughts but then it would go back to doubting thoughts then back to the blasphemous ones. I hated the thoughts and doubts. The thoughts are so mean towards God, Jesus & HS. It’s anywhere from evil thoughts to cussing thoughts to rejection thoughts/denying. Demonic thoughts. Literally anything bad you could think of! Even thoughts of if I really love them or wanna follow them. I learned about OCD from what I've looked up but I've been dealing with this for about 2 years now. It's hard. I doubt if it’s OCD. Definitely feel like I'm trapped or my faith isn't the same. Which makes me sad because I want my faith! I feel like I've gotten lazy and honestly that I don't deserve them or am "too far gone" from them. I feel like idk how to be a Christian or how to have faith or just exist tbh. I wanna love God & Jesus! I want faith! I just feel kinda stuck. Has anyone gone through this or has advice or tips?

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.