- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
What’s The Difference?
Why is it scarier as a thought? Why do I know things I say when I get upset or triggered, panicked or mad I don’t mean after I calm down, or didn’t mean it the way it came out. But when it comes to my intrusive thoughts I get a horrible, guilty, sinking feeling in my stomach. A pit. Something that makes me feel like I’m lying to myself. I get hyper vigilant and anxious and can’t believe myself that they are just thoughts, that I don’t mean them and they aren’t what I want? Is it because no one else can hear it? So it feels like I’m hiding something? Is that the part that makes me feel gross? Do I worry more because it’s living in my head and not just put in front of me so to speak to where once I’ve said something out loud I can apologize and move on cause it feels more like it’s gone? If I can understand sometimes I say the wrong things why do I put so much importance on the thoughts I get and can’t accept sometimes people just think wrong things? That I have a disorder a chemical imbalance that makes/let’s more intrusive thoughts come through because my brain is wired to obsess over anything thought that may be “wrong” and it just goes on and on and on. I am about to become a mom. I just want to be better for my child, my husband. For me. Like I had a thought recently and I couldn’t stop myself. I was watching the call and the main girl that gets kidnapped was trying to crawl from the trunk through the backseat to escape. I’m looking around just watching and accidentally end up looking at her boobs. I started ruminating on it and of course made it worse and then when I told myself you don’t think that they look good, I had another thought that was like you know that’s not true. And I got that pit and I felt like I was lying to myself and I was oh god think it this way as in it’s there, cause she’s a human girl and don’t see any physical flaws so I don’t think anything is wrong with them like I don’t think they look necessarily bad but I don’t think they look good in a disgusting way or anything. They just look like boobs I mean and now I feel horrible because I’m like well what’s the difference between that and thinking they look good in a bad way and my brains like if you think that then you must think they look good in a bad way and I don’t but I can’t convince myself otherwise or what the difference is and it just all feels two real. I’ve been obsessing over this for two days and I just want to be able to let it go and not feel like a horrible person. I know there’s no way to convince myself and I don’t need to but I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if I’m asking for reassurance. I feel like all I deserve to do is lay in bed and not do anything but think about it cause I don’t deserve to not torture myself with it.