Please help someone

I am feeling terrible as im writting this. Probabbly the worst feeling ive experienced in my whole life. So ive been suffering from OCD, more specific pedofilic obssesions... I had various fears by this point and i managed to get those under control somehow. But since 2 days ago i got new fear that is completely killing me and there is no way to dissprove it or to accept it. I have a niece.. she is 7 years old now.. i love her more than anything, like she is my own child.. 2 days ago i had a thought "have you ever masturbated imagining your niece?" At first i was NO.. NO i did not.. I just want to state that i really cant recall such event.. i have no memory of it happening, i have no timeline when it may took place or anything. But, the more i keep thinking about it im less sure.. it is killing me.. I dont know.. would i be able to somehow repress such thing? How would i be able to forget that and now all of sudden question myself? I cannot remember that i did it, and ive tried, trust me.. but this fear wont let me go.. i keep thinking about some scenarios how it could happen if it did and the more i do it the less im sure what is true... This is hell.. On the rational side if that happened how realistic is that it would happen just once, somewhere, at some undefined time and that i dont have any clear memory of it? On the other side ive forgoten many things in my life and many events so how can i be sure? This is killing me and please, if someone went through something similar help me... It is impossible to dissprove it since there is no one that could know beside me, and i cant remember... it is impossible to accept and say well, yeah maybe it did happen cause if it did it would be the end for me. How do i solve this? How.... i dont see a way out of this.. Please help someone

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 3y

it's a false memory, the more you reflect on it the more real it seems. the best you can do is except the uncertainty of the situation and let the truth resolve itself later. because ocd can't cause a glitch in your mind and make you believe things that are completely taboo. i hope this helps🤍

taylee

Date posted: 3y

i believe the best course of action would be to calmly not do anything about it and i know this sounds dumb but the only thing you are really doing in this situation is thinking its wondering its what if because what if youve never ever done that before to your neice there are a milion what ifs and you're focused on the only one that scares you. ocd is focusing on your fear and making it feel true but the cool thing is it isnt true and yes you can not prove this but there comes a point where you dont have to prove it. in this situation it will become a rabbit hole the best thing to do would be to let it be. its accepting being uncertain about it and letting it go. you would never do that in the future either. ocd is latching onto your biggest fear. you love her and know you would never do that thats all there is to it

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

Thank you.. i am just really scared and i am trying to recall everything and i am afraid that what if somehow forgot.. what if i repressed that memory.. i feel like a possible monster and it is hard to describe the hell i am in right now Thank you for your reply

Anon.user

Date posted: 3y

This is false memory ocd and is very common, I suffer from this sometimes as well. No matter how much you ruminate or try to remember something it won’t help unfortunately. You have to try your hardest not to try and “remember” anything because you never will. There is a YouTube channel called ocdandanxietyonline who has a lot of good tactics for how to deal with things, maybe this will help

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much for your reply.. this is killing me.. i keep wondering what if i recall that realy happened some day... On the other hand i wonder is it really possible that i wouldnt remember clearly that it happened of it did.. this is hell

Anon.user

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous I understand 100%. I have this too but I don’t get it as often. I wonder if my brain Is just blocking out memories, I wonder if one day I will suddenly remember something terrible I did. Then start to recall my entire life looking for something I might have done wrong. You will never find anything because there’s nothing to remember. The best thing you can do is try to distract yourself as much as possible when you find yourself starting to back track your memories again

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@Anon.user Thank you a lot! I really hope that none of this happened and that this torture will end

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

POCD and changing baby diaper - please help

Hi NOCD community, I was hoping to get some advice from fellow sufferers. In December we welcomed the first baby into the family, my beautiful niece. Since then, my POCD has been awful, which I know is probably very normal. Last week, in the middle of a very high stress day in my family, I was changing my niece and as usually happens, I got intrusive thoughts about awful things people do to babies when changing them. The thoughts were so harrowing to have as I was also changing her at the exact same time, and I felt my hands just quickly want to finish patting her dry before putting her nappy on, and for some reason, my heart dropped with that hand movement, because I was afraid that I had acted out the awful thoughts in my head, in a moment of mania because my morals, values and heart do not align with abuse of any kind, especially to children. My niece is my everything, and I know I would never want harm to come to her in any way, shape or form. I love her endlessly. I am having therapy, but have only had a couple of sessions. But, I cannot shake the 'what if'. I am tortured over trying to remember what it was I did that made my heart drop, but I can't, and its getting fuzzier and fuzzier the more I try to remember. Could anyone offer any advice on this please? Thank you.

sanshine

Date posted: 16w

I'm scared....

𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞

POCD

sanshine

Date posted: 15w

Brain is frazzled adults only please

Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.

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