- Date posted
- 3y
I just need to rant š„š„š„š„
Due to guilt and I guess other factors at play (like thinking about getting having another baby in the future) I have reduced my sertraline from 75mg to 50mg. Although I took medication while being pregnant with my daughter and now while breastfeeding her and although I was told itās safe, Iām still feeling so much guilt and constantly questioning the what if thereās that one in a million, hundred thousand, hundred chance my daughter can get something or would develop differently because of medicationā¦I feel selfish š„š„š„ However, now I donāt know if it is a combination of reducing medication and being on my period and also starting online school while being a stay at home mom that I feel like Iām losing my sanity. I donāt know if itās a good idea to reduce medicationā¦like is it period or reducing medication or both. Truth now I can not differentiate myself from ocd š I have been thinking whether I have borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder but Iāve been obsessing over it. At some points Iām relieved when I think I donāt have narcissistic personality disorder because it feels like a death sentence. In fact, I hear all the stories of adults who went under narcissistic abuse as kids and it breaks my heart and I become so fearful, itās my biggest fear for my daughter to go through abuse. I would never ever want my daughter to go through the abuse I had to go through from my mom (diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia that she didnāt treat). Iām obsessing whether Iām a narcissist Iām scared, I donāt want to be, I want to be a great mom to my daughter, be present emotionally, and in every aspect of her life. I read the symptoms and Iām like omg I do that but sometimes I donāt and I freak out. Ex: being jealous of other people I feel the need to overly analyze every action around my daughter. For example if someone compliments my daughter I have to think twice on how to reply so I donāt sound narcissistic. Or if I took too long to pick her up because I was busy I would think āwow did I do that because I didnāt think her needs were as important.ā I have to think about the things I say and do for my daughter. I have to think like ten times before I do anything for her⦠When it comes to borderline personality disorder, it truly feels like I mark a few things. I get intense feeling of abandonment, feeling things tenfold, more than I should, when something bad happens (it could be the least personal thing like a random small business going out of business and my heart breaks - like I think about what that family could lose and what if they are homeless and suffer)ā¦.I make up scenarios in my head and wallow in it. I have felt intense anger, in fact today I went to a few appointments and bleed through my pants and then I got home and bled through my other pair of pants and my patience just ran so so low. I raised my voice in annoyance to my daughter and I feel like a monster. This is also affecting my relationship with my husband (her father). Itās putting a toll between us. My constant quick to anger, intense annoyance at him, when things are going bad, I sometimes feel like I donāt have control of my emotions. I donāt know what to do. I do know that I want to be better, let go of these intense feelings of abandonment because literally everything starts when I feel the closest sign of āabandonmentā thatās not even real. I donāt want to hurt anyone emotionally. I ask myself why canāt I just be a normal healthy human being. I know this is long post but Iām pouring my heart out here because I donāt know who to go to. If you read this thank you for your time and if you believe in God and prayer please pray for my family. I know prayer doesnāt solve everything but it brings comfort and gives a sense of direction āā hopefully that wasnāt a compulsionā¦ugh ššš½š