What is going on with me…

I’m at a point where I’m so sick of the anxiety that my brain just pulls out scenarios with other people and my brain is just quick to want to leave my current relationship, yet at the same time I acknowledge how poor of a decision that would be. There’s nothing wrong in my current relationship, we are each others best friend and that’s all I’ve ever wanted in a relationship, yet my mind still thinks otherwise and a part of me likes the fake scenarios that my mind comes up with. Who says this won’t happen in another relationship I’m in, especially since I love the qualities of my partner. I force myself to think about him and only him. It feels like I no longer care, but I want to care. I want to be present in my relationship, and whenever I try to pursue it, my brain goes “you don’t want to” and it’s such a horrible cycle. I just want this to end, I want to see the person that I have right in front of me.

Spring05

Date posted: 2y

For me, one of my compulsions is self reassurance. 😂 So like I'd have a scary thought and then, instead of just saying "okay brain, 🧠 maybe! whatever u say".. ..instead of that, i start compulsively trying to find evidence to "defeat" that thought. Like find all the justifications for why we are a perfect couple. 😂

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

I really relate to this literally Melody. My brain is constantly directing me towards breaking up, comparing with other experiences, fantasising about orhers. So many intrusions on this, that it is almost impossible to remind myself: no, i dont want that, it is opposed to my values. It is so hard. I know how you feel. Try to think: this is an unwanted intrusion. I may or may not want to act on it. I accept this uncertainty. Take care!

Melody2022

Date posted: 2y

@Mau NL I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It’s almost as if I’m in a way going through an identity crisis and am no longer in touch with what love really is, and that’s the challenging thing about this. I don’t know what’s right or wrong for me, but if I go by values I feel like that I can understand. I definitely need to be better with uncertainty, I think that’s the way out of this

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

@Melody2022 I know exactly what you mean. For me, it has only been 1.5 years that i know its ocd (i am 45), while i have been dealing with issues since my late teens. During my prior long relationships, my ocd also directed me towards my wrongs and i also sometimes performed them. No cheating, but secretly chatting, sometimes erotically, going a bit too far on the dancefloor while going out, these kind of things. I do not do those things anymore and now i know they were all compulsions, to temporarily get reassurance and the feeling that i matter. So i relate to "identity crisis" and "not being in touch with what love really is". Yet i came to learn that they are caused by self-loath, which gets worse and worse the longer you perform your compulsions. So quitting them is the key: that will boost your self worth and it opens the way to the feelings underneath the ocd-layer. So now when i am loosing touch with myself, i make time for and with myself, and do things by which i usually find the connection with myself again (walking in nature, maling and listening to music, go to a band performance, dance all night long, talk with friends whom i trust)

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

I feel like I don’t love him sometimes 💔

I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔

Mariabae

Date posted: 22w

i feel so bad

I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

im scared

my thoughts are screaming at me telling me that i dont want my relationship anymore and that i realized i lost feelings. i have a beautiful relationship of two years with a beautiful boy that loves me dearly and i deal with this thoughs for a year and a half. Im so scared it feels so real im scared i have changed and my last therapy session made it worse she basically told me i have to realise the thoughts are true and stop lying to myself. And made me think i am so scared and heartbroken bc i put high expectations on myslef to be with my boyfriend for all my life. Maybe i dont want to hurt him??? im always questioning my feelings for him 24/7 for over a year. I wm tierd

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