- Date posted
- 3y
Intrusive thoughts and ruminations
Hello, I am new here. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD but I have anxiety since my childhood and recently (2 months ago) I started having intrusive thoughts about children, and my students. M'y brain is always acting with questions "what if I hurt them" "What if I develop feelings", every time I feel disgusted, nauseous, I feel my body temperature getting really hot, I kept telling myself and my therapist that I don't want to be like that, I don't want to have those thoughts. It pains me because I am a teacher, and I have been very passionnate about teaching and helping my students, but my brain is telling me "you became a teacher to get close to them" and I feel generally disgusted at these Times. I often zone out, trying to ignore my thoughts, and keep on my day but I always end up trying to analyse or do some mental checks. I also experience the fact that I feel like I'm looking for arousal in women in general and experience intrusive sexual thoughts and I feel like when I look at someone, I scan m'y body to see if it gets an arousal or not. . Generally not, but sometimes I feel funny around my groin. I am with a woman that is quite understanding of what I go through. I explained her and she says that it could be OCD even if not diagnosed yet. Usually when I get these thoughts, I engage into them, and I try to remember my past to see if there were occurences of me acting strange towards young people or stuff like that. It's very hard to resist doing it because I feel like I need to know. I also check and read a lot about thoughts, compulsions and obsessions because I feel alone, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Most of the time I also feel like I'm inventing this, like I am really what these thoughts tell me and it's bringing me down really hard. I'm currently seeing a therapist and she knows about those thoughts but I really want to ask if it might be OCD but I am also scared of thé fact that she could say it is not. I am sorry I needed to vent.