Possible realization

I have ROCD. It fully came out of its shell in 2018, but I had a moment in 2015 that I believe was a pre cursor to it. I was on acid with my girlfriend at the time and we were having a good time. Then suddenly, I got the thought, what if she doesn't love me? I felt so horrible the next day and was now questioning whether I lived her. I al.ist broke up with her. A year and a half later we had a kid and the feeling came back when he was born. Again it faded, but came back with a vengeance in 208 and has been with me every day ever since. She ended up leaving g a year after this started and I got into a different, much more healthy and stable relationship, but as soon as we started to get more serious, the feelings came right back like they never left. I am saying this because I was watching a special by Bill Burr where he talked about taking mushrooms and at first having a good time, then suddenly being hot with a wave of loneliness and feeling unloved. His wife walked in while he was feeling this way and he started to question whether he loved her or not. He thought to himself, I've gotta pull my self out of this feeling, so he tried thinking of his kids but still felt the same. He thought, well I know I love my kids so that's bull shit. So where is this feeling coming g from? It suddenly dawned on him that ray was how he had felt his entire childhood. I am now wondering since what happened to him is so similar to what happened to me, could this while rocd thing for me come from somewhere deeper? Repressed feelings from the past? I'm not here for reassurance so please dont offer any. But I would like your honest thoughts and feelings towards it and maybe a story of your own if you are Interested. Thanks for reading.

JLG323

Date posted: 2y

I practice not ruminating every single day. Every day is still hard. I still feel constantly torn. It's really hard for me to believe that ROCD is real and not denial. But I try, every si gle day without fail.

doinghardthings

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@JLG323 For sure ❤️I’m glad you’re still trying though! I am not an expert here at all, but having some long term perspective on my experiences has been helpful to understand where I’m having trouble in my life to seek help and to be able to explain where I’ve been to an expert that has confirmed I’m dealing with OCD. Developing a sense of self can be confusing and overwhelming in the context of OCD and engaging with that inner dialogue can veer into rumination, but I guess that’s also the contrast point to all of the lies OCD tries to tell you about yourself.

JLG323

Date posted: 2y

That makes a lot of sense. I used to have a thing where I needed my right foot to touch everything first. Steps, blocks, tiles, etc. Or if I brushed by something with my right left hand I needed to take my right hand a tap it on the same spot and the same spot on my hand that the other hand hit.

doinghardthings

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

While a significant enough portion of OCD is genetic, I think my experiences with it came through real experiences I’ve had. Right now I’m working on SOOCD and ROCD. When I was younger, I was shy, and when I had crushes on boys, it was such an emotional experience for me I almost couldn’t handle it. These things actually sound kind of normal writing them down, but they contributed to a situation that allowed for the onset of OCD to happen. So nothing about this was really traumatic, but maybe aligned with an insecurity about something important to me: my relationships with other people. To whatever extent, we all want to be liked and feel like we have somewhere to belong, and it sounds like that might be relatable to you, based on the type of fears you’re experiencing too. OCD likes to take these core fears to the extreme in an attempt of helping you deal with the anxiety, but it’s a dysfunctional and unproductive way of doing that. In my case, I don’t think my anxiety is based on anything too illogical or extreme or irrational in the greater scheme of things, but in the context of who I am, maybe it wouldn’t make sense. I’m in therapy to teach my brain I don’t have to be afraid of these ideas, and that doesn’t guarantee they’re true either. OCD can certainly happen in people who have experienced more explicit repressed trauma too.

JLG323

Date posted: 2y

You make a lot of really good points. It hadn't occurred to me that my fears could be based in feeling unloved or not belonging considering that my focal point is revolved around, what if I don't really love her. But it did indeed start with, what if she doesn't really love me. If I may, how long have you been dealing with ROCD, SO OCD, and OCD in general?

doinghardthings

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@JLG323 At least 10 years without knowing it. I suppose there’s value in understanding where some of the fears that OCD takes advantage of come from, but also be careful about not letting it become rumination! All of this might (or might not) be true, but the way you’ll be able to live the life you want is by confronting your fears to the point that they lose their hold on you.

JLG323

Date posted: 2y

It certainly is. I appreciate your input and advice. Have you dealt with any other types of OCD besides ROCD or SO OCD?

doinghardthings

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@JLG323 I’m not really sure! A lot of this is new to me. When I was younger I had disordered eating for a bit and it might have had a contamination obsession element. I can recall a handful of other situations that were probably connected to OCD but maybe didn’t have a specific theme.

faye1010

Date posted: 24w

ROCD

Good morning everyone, I need some opinions or help on what people might think is wrong. March 2024 is when I started questioning everything about my relationship for no reason he is everything that I wanted, but my mind is trying to tell me that it isn't April 2024 was probably one of the worst times of my life I stayed home from work because I was constantly crying and totally sick because I didn't know what to do. The thoughts slowly started to not bother me as much. I feel like since it ever started I never have gotten that. Love feeling back for my boyfriend, but I want it back so bad because when I did have it, it was absolutely amazing. I have no desire to kiss him or be intimate with him either which also scares me fast-forward to today. I am waking up with so many doubts in questioning myself. Is this ever gonna go away or am I ever gonna feel that love back for my boyfriend ever again? I feel like I'm wasting his time and my time because it feels never ending. I went to a therapist shortly after starting to deal with this and she didn't really seem to help so now on Wednesday I have a new therapist that specializes in OCD I think does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much in advance.

Tryingmybest12

Date posted: 23w

My ROCD Has Made my Personal Life Such a Mess

Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 20w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

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