Harm Ocd

I felt like I was kind of getting over this harm subtype and I was doing fine for a couple of weeks. I felt so relieved and yes I would get triggered at times but I was able to let a lot of these thoughts pass. But of course something has to happen in my city and now I am absolutely In a wreck. For some background, I had known that this had been going in within town for a while and honestly it made me a bit paranoid for my own safety. Now that they have arrested this person and I know the details of what his mental state was like I feel myself panicking. I can’t help but worry that my headspace could ever get like that. It’s absolutely triggered the schizophrenic ocd and I feel so anxious and so worried. I just want to cry because I don’t ever want to be like that. And it gets to me a bit more at the moment because I’ve been having a rough couple of days. My school is in the middle of my city and I hear sirens all of the time and lately I’ve been fixated on them because I want to make sure that I’m actually hearing them. So a few days ago I heard the sirens and I was like okay yeah something is going on. And sirens typically only last a few seconds just because the police car is speeding by. But then I found myself walking for the next 10 minutes and hearing the sound in my head all over again. And I knew it was just in my head because obviously I know what a siren sounds like when you are nearby. But the amount of anxiety I was feeling because this was replaying in my head was terrible. It was to a point where I was like “Maybe that siren was real” or “Um that one sounded kind of real, I think” I wanted to burst out crying. I was telling myself that I was going crazy and that I was literally schizophrenic and that I needed to tell my therapist ASAP so that I could get put on medication. I saw a few people on here who could relate to the same thing and it made me feel a bit better. I just don’t know how to overcome this part of ocd. It has gotten to a point where I just replay the sounds of sirens in my head and i do it on purpose so that I could remind myself that they are not real. Which realistically isn’t helping me because I am just causing myself more distress. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t stop hearing sirens replaying over in my head and it was the most embarrassing thing. I felt so defeated. He told me that I needed to stop fixating on these things and that this wasn’t me. I’ve came to that conclusion as well that being so anxious and so worried about every little thing in the world is not me. Before ocd really hit me, I used to just live my life and go about my day not worried about any of this. Now I am always making sure that for one, I am not hearing things. Two, I won’t hurt the people that I care so deeply about that are literally my life. And three, why the world is the way it is and why we have just been okay with living in space. lol that last one I can laugh about at the moment because it’s just funny that ocd has convinced me that I have to worry about that. I just want to over come this. This is probably the scariest thing I’ve had to deal with ever. Especially the sirens. Ocd has ruined my perspective on life. I could never wish ocd on anyone. I just want to be okay and I just want to live my life in the way that I want to, not the way Ocd wants me to. I’m sending my love to everyone dealing with this monster. As im even just writing this ocd is telling me that it is bad for me to write about, but who cares what you think ocd.