Triggered into a endless spiral, disappointed.

I saw one post on Twitter by a creator I value a lot make a point about there's p*s that act on it and ones that don't and are disgusted by their thoughts. I know the point she was making but it triggered me and all logic went out the window as I dived into probably an hour+ long search on her profile to see if she built on this idea more, then I went back and checked all the websites I know that talk about POCD, went through all that information, and then went to reddit subreddits to research. I knew deep inside it was me ruminating and just going along with the obessesion but this time my brain was like NO THIS IS THE PROOF YOU'RE TRULY EVIL, and so I got stuck both trying to prove my brain is wrong and right. I decided to watch an Ali Greymond video since they're short and maybe it might help me find a way to calm down and I did get some peace from that but WOW! That was a miserable spiral.

Anonymous2929

Date posted: 2y

I call BS on that Twitter post. There may be pedos that don’t act on it, but they DO derive pleasure from the thoughts. It’s their sexual orientation and it’s ego syntonic meaning it’s true to who they are. OCD is ego-dystonic meaning that it goes against our values and identities, hence why it is so upsetting. There’s a lot of garbage on the internet that is incredibly triggering but not true.

Anonymous2929

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous_1 I understand your fears and they are common with the POCD theme. I would look up videos by Chrissie Hodges channel on YouTube. She does some great videos explaining the physical sensations that often accompany POCD, but the long and short of it is that they are not indicators of desire, but instead responses to heightened anxiety. Remember, something that we actually want and is true to our values, won’t make us anxious and distressed.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous_1 Groinals happen to everyone, especially people with sexual and violent obsessions. Arousal is split btwn excitement and fear, and the brain area that controls arousal doesn't always separate them & gets them confused. The more you don't respond to groinals, the less they'll happen - and eventually you'll forget abt it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

It's important to remember that even if they're disgusted by them, at their base they still enjoy them - they're disgusted by the fact they like/want them, not by the fact that they have them. You already know you don't like the thoughts or want them, then there's no point in ruminating on it. 🤷‍♀️

Lulu~

Date posted: 22w

Shut up and dance with me - Black mirror. Help pls

Hello, so I’m currently spiralling so so so bad and I want someone to help me and tell me what to do rn. I have dyslexia so there might be some misspelling 3 months ago I read a manga that triggered my POCD to start The manga was cute, I enjoyed it tbh, but it had pedophilic themes (idk why I continued on to read it?!) and in the end it got quite sexual. I was sick while reading it so sadly I don't have much memories. Anyways afterwards I read some comments about how this was smth only pedos like. And since then, intense POCD. Stopped eating, isolated nyself, tried to commit multiple of times and called 991 on myself too. I kept on going about and thinking if I wanted smth sexual to happen, I know I thought there would be a time jump. And thought that something sexual might have happened then. But I can't stop doubting myself or thinking "what if I liked it when it started to get sexual" and the memories of such feel so real that I can't ignore them. I've never ever enjoyed CP before, or manga with SA (honestly I don't enjoy smut much overall, but they're pretty common in romance mangas) but if it has sexual themes and the characters look like kids/are kids/a weird age gap ect. I drop it, but idk why I didn't drop this one. Then I realised that I had never been attracted to kids, and this scenario doesnt have to mean that I am a pedophile. I also have ALOT of trauma around pedophilia (CSA survivor, started making CP as a coping mechanism. It ruined my childhood and took loads of cptsd therapy to stop relapsing.) And I didn’t have a spiral for weeks, I did epr fully and thought I had finally figured out a way to ignore the intrusive thoughts. Nope lol, today I was insanely bored and decided to watch black mirror. “Shut up and dance” I knew that there was an episode that I had been warned about being triggering bht naive like I tend to be I watched it. And now I’m deeply spiralling again. I’m so tired T_T

gl0aming

Date posted: 21w

Spiraling, encouragement appreciated <3

I had a really hard day yesterday. I had a memory come up, of a thought i had years ago, when my OCD was still fairly fresh. I remember that i was fantasizing, and i had a thought pop in of one of my obsessions, and for a second, i think i may have entertained it- maybe even enjoyed it. I talked about this with my first therapist and was able to move past it, but it has remained one of my stickiest and most horrible thoughts. Yesterday i tried to think through it again, and i definitely had an arousal feeling. I have this terrible fear that i could enjoy my obsessions if i just let go. I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys these things. I have a life and a family that i love so much, i’m just so deeply afraid of being irreparably evil. I feel like i’ve done something horrible, and that it’s only a matter of time before people find out. I don’t even necessarily know what the thing is that i’m supposed to have done. My brain offers a myriad of options, of course, but i’m usually able to talk myself through them- or when i’m not, have a family member talk me through them. I’m afraid i’m fooling them all. I just want to be a good person, but i feel like such an imposter. I want to be loved so desperately, but i feel like anyone who can find it in themself to love me must be evil too.

Uhhhh15

Date posted: 21w

I feel gross

I shouldn’t have done this (trigger trigger trigger!!) So about a month ago..maybe I watched this video (as a compulsion to prove to myself) The video was called “interview with a p3d0” And basically it was what it says, I watched or more like listened to half of it…after I was disgusted by the person, but now all I can think of is every little thing I do, I feel as if tho I’m monitoring every thought/moment and feeling I have it’s torturous and I hate it..I feel disgusting, the person in the video has empathy and sympathy and had those feelings yk, I can’t explain it you’d have to watch the video yourself but please don’t it will ruin your journey…I feel more hopeless then before, my OCD is telling me so many things trying to convince me things that Ik aren’t true, I’m just really scared I don’t want to be that person I want to be a good cousin and person to my family, I’m sick of my head and myself, I’m so tired that sometimes I can’t even think straight, my head is always in pain and idek how to help myself..compulsions have been becoming more and more exhausting… I need advice or even someone to relate to, I understand I shouldn’t have done what I did but idk how to forget it.. I had made this post already but when someone replied I couldn’t see it for some reason so I’m uploading it again

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Triggered into a endless spiral, disappointed.

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