Username: Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Questioning what is wrong

Has anyone here ever experienced significant complex trauma in different aspects of life that seemed to have happened at once, which triggered existential thoughts, questioning everything, not being able to make sense of just about anything, feeling like you’re just so disconnected and still doubting that these are understandable things to experienced after going through trauma? The problem I am having right now is obsessing over why I feel the way I do. Why I don’t feel like myself. I keep asking myself “Is it PTSD/CPTSD? Is it OCD? Is it depression and anxiety? All of the above?” Not knowing is eating away at me. Not only that, what distresses me even more and makes me feel even more hopeless and helpless, are thoughts of “what is even real? How are we supposed to feel, think, be? Everyone else around me seems to have it all figured out. Why am I stuck in my own head?” Not being able to grasp onto anything that makes sense is such an isolating feeling. Can anyone relate?

Username: Mau NLMau NL

Date posted: 2y ago

"Not knowing is eating away at me". That line, Taylor, tells the whole story if you ask me. I asked myself alike questions. Bipolair? Narcissism? PTSD? Depression. For me, the whole quest for a label was one big compulsion. A way of OCD to keep its grip. I hope you somehow can let go and accept that what is, is. Hope this helps. Take care and big hug.

Username: Dee CDee C

Date posted: 2y ago

Yup…I sometimes get trapped in my head. I start questioning where do my thoughts come from, where are they going? Who’s pulling the strings? But then I remind myself that these questions, inherently, have no answer. Tell you one thing, if ocd is anything, it is creative. I love the study of space and time and damn if ocd didn’t latch onto that. Suddenly I find myself afraid to ‘think’. Had to mentally remind myself to accept the uncertainty and continue to enjoy the wonders of the cosmos. Stay strong and we got this!!!

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Dee C Totally relate Dee. I loved psychological thrillers and philosophical debates and now they scare the crap out of me haha. OCD loves to latch onto what we love and care about!

Username: Mau NLMau NL

Date posted: 2y ago

I love this conversation. So much warmth and love. Beautiful People!

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

100% relate to this. And having read Mai’s reply I also think it’s my main compulsion. I’m constantly questioning my existence in relation to my cognitive processes. It’s like a need a firm answer on what’s a thought I’m creating vs. one OCD is creating. I end up in a never ending loop where I’m so lost and confused idk what to believe. Whenever I stop searching for an answer I start to feel better and in control, but it’s hard to stop searching because I feel like if I believe the wrong thing I’ll drive myself crazy. The irony is I’m actually driving myself crazy by searching for the unanswerable. The only way out of our head is to stop searching for answers and embrace the uncertainty.

Username: Dee CDee C

Date posted: 2y ago

PS I find comfort but not reassurance in knowing I’m not alone.

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Dee C Same here. Thoughts that come from OCD can make you feel very alone. I hate that anyone has to go through this but I do find comfort knowing I’m not alone.

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Thank you Mau and Phillip. Yes! Exactly. It’s maddening. I’ve only been like this the past few months but it feels impossible to go back to being and thinking “normally”… I just miss enjoying things and simply being. Not over analyzing every little thing… I didn’t start feeling this way until I went through a series of chronic stress, abuse, and difficult circumstances all at once. I feel like if my OCD wasn’t such a problem, I could handle it better. Which makes me even more upset, because I used to be much more resilient. I don’t know what happened to me. I am so tired of focusing on why I feel so horrible and wondering why things are the way they are both around me and in my head. I feel like a nut case.

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

And another thing Phillip.. when you say questioning your thoughts. Yes! It makes me so sad when I do this. If I’m questioning my own thoughts and feelings, then what is legit? I didn’t start questioning thoughts and feeling until I was being gaslit and emotionally abused by a narcissist. A relationship I’m happy to have escaped from of course, but it’s still very recent and the trauma from it still haunts me.

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Taylor10 My existential questioning also started after a traumatic situation improved. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling sad when my situation got better. It felt like my thoughts and emotions were out of sync. Idk, when I talk about it, it doesn’t even make sense lol. That’s what’s so funny/maddening about OCD. Like I know what I’m worried about doesn’t make sense but I’m still terrified of it. At least we can all help each other through it. We’re all so strong. We’re gonna come out the other side of this so empathetic and with a newfound resolve!

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Phillip91 Another thing that has bothered me is… if I feel this way now… how will feeling a different or “better” way be real? I know that sounds SO stupid and doesn’t even make sense. I never used to think that way! Like feeling “normal” and un-knowing these obsessions that I confuse with beliefs seems impossible. Ugh it drives me nuts.

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Taylor10 If it makes you feel any better, I had a similar episode happen 8 years ago before I knew it was OCD and was able to work through it to the point where the intrusive thoughts barely even registered anymore and I had the happiest period of my life. From that experience I can tell you that your thinking can return to normal. It takes time and a lot of self compassion, and I know right now it seems like you’ll never be able to forget your self conscious thoughts, but we can all reach recovery.

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Phillip91 That really does make me feel so much better. It gives me hope. I’m tired of thinking we are all just robots or either too simple or too complicated or something. Thank you. I just started back on lexapro a little over a week ago. I’ve been off of it for a couple of years but it helped my OCD in the past. My OCD was NEVER this bad though. I always managed to “get over it” on my own. I hope it works.

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Taylor10 I know, it’s the worst! Im trying to realize that my anxiety/OCD latches onto any thought that pops up that scares me. It’s like a mad-lib that’s “insert scary thought here” haha. Anytime I fall down the rabbit hole I try to remind myself that a year from now this existential stuff will seem silly and I’ll be worried about something else lol. I started Zoloft back in March and since reaching 100mg I’ve noticed a big difference. Are you doing ERP? That’s been life changing in combination with the medication. Also, on a lighter note - your dog is adorable!

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Phillip91 I’ve only had 2 or 3 sessions. Of course my OCD wants to doubt it. But I have learned quite a bit and I’m going to keep going. Thanks!! That’s my shih tzu Zoey! Your pup is super cute too! Chihuahua? I have a chihuahua as well.

Username: Phillip91Phillip91

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Taylor10 That’s amazing! I started back in June and I really started to notice a change in September. The process definitely isn’t linear haha. Two steps forward one step back, but always forward! Congrats on taking a huge first step!!! Aww, and yes Popcorn the Chi :) My wife and I rescued her the week I started ERP. Her and I are recovering together!

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Phillip91 That’s awesome!! Glad it’s helping you! I’m excited to keep going! How precious!! Y’all are lucky to have each other!! 💗🐶

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks for sharing your experience Dee!

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

experience*

Username: cmaconochie

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey Guys, after a traumatic event I had a feeling/thought if things around me are real or that I am not real. Ever since I have been obsessed with that thought. I have felt detached from my environment. But I know disassociation and derealization are triggered with anxiety. But I still feel this way when I'm not anxious. Can my thought obsession about feeling disconnected make me feel disconnected? Thanks!

Username: mseb10

Date posted: 43w ago

Intrusive thoughts as questions

TW: existential OCD, religious scrupulosity Hello, I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this experience! For me, a lot of my intrusive thoughts come to me as questions. For example, I have a lot of existential OCD, and a lot of my questions may be things like “What is the purpose of life? Is there even a purpose? Is life worth living without a purpose?” A lot of the times, I come to a conclusion that doesn’t sit well with me and triggers even more anxiety. I noticed this also comes up with religious scrupulosity, wondering if God or Hell exist and constantly churning questions in my mind. I’m curious if this is the case for anyone else. I feel like I’m constantly questioning everything around me, and it’s the questioning itself which causes me distress, because I feel like in questioning the things that I value, I somehow take away their value to me because I can’t quite get an answer that satisfies me as to why they were valuable in the first place (if that makes any sense at all 😂). Thanks!

Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 40w ago

Existential ocd /harm ocd

Hi all , please comment if you’re experiencing what I’m about to share . I am going through a very tough time with existential fears & very frightening thoughts to a point where the thought of myself sends me into a spiral. I ask myself “am I even existing right now as I’m typing this” “ how do I know that I’m not already dead or in a purgatory “how do I confirm that I even exist” what if I’ve already died and this is what death feels like “ nothing & no one around me feels real , I look at my kids & my husband & question their existence. I’ve also been suffering from severe depersonalisation/derealisation & I don’t know which one is triggering the other ! I also suffer from harm ocd where I’m forever worrying that I might lose control & harm my family whom I love to bits & I’m always battling the nightmare inside me that makes me believe that I’ve already hurt them but I just don’t know it … I’m on lexapro & have been for two years but I find that all it does is numb my emotions, I can’t cry & at times worry that if sharpens to someone I love , I may not be able to cry or show emotions . I am convinced that I’ve developed schizophrenia 🥲🥲 which has always been my worst fear! Or that I’ve gone psychotic without realising . I cannot see myself out of this hole & my brain had forgotten what being a normal person once felt like 🥲🥲. I was seeing a psychologist and he did ERP with me but sadly that did Not help so I stopped seeing him altogether & lost faith in therapy altogether ! Sorry this is a very long post but I just want to know that someone out there is experiencing the same symptoms and has gotten over it through ERP or other medication ? Because I feel like I’m the only one suffering from this debilitating illness and there’s no way out!

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