Friend ROCD

@ode Oh my. Ok this actually brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry you are going through this but it sounds EXACTLY like what I’m struggling with too. I’m not a jealous person. It’s just not who I am. Never jealous of others successes or things or anything….. But when she mentions another friend I get a sharp pang of jealousy (it can actually make me feel faint). Or when she once made a comment that she is getting close with someone. Or that she misses them. Then I think she would never say that about me. However I know the facts just don’t support these feelings. Yet the feelings and fears are so strong. Sometimes I think the only resolution is to cut her out of my life but that doesn’t make sense either cuz she hasn’t done anything wrong. At one point it had me questioning my sexuality even cuz I didn’t understand how I could have such strong feelings for a friend. So then I would start that kind of checking behaviour to figure out if I was attracted to her (I’m not, but do know that I love her). And then sometimes like I hate her cuz of how strongly I feel when I imagine her “dumping” or ghosting me.

@ode Oh ya. The need to apologize is real! She has told me a couple times not to do it, though. So I resist it now. And I have NEVER talked about any of these feelings with her. Cuz they are crazy. Yet I just want reassurance.

@ode Me too - ashamed at my thoughts and jealous feelings 😢 But this conversation is giving me some courage to speak to my new therapist about this. I have booked with an OCD specialist for next week. I was considering just talking about my daughter (she is diagnosed with ocd), but I will bring this up now. Have you found that you can be a little ambivalent with other friends when you’ve found one to really seek closeness with? I’m very friendly and outgoing and chatty, but only seek real closeness with one. Like I’m searching for a best friend or something. And it’s in these relationships (there’s been 3 of them over my adult life) that I then have this draw or compulsion to seek excessive closeness. And then it’s scary. Ya. The only other similar pattern I’ve noticed is that these 3 women are all not girly. Perhaps even a little masculine - the “strong silent type,” like my husband. So I for sure have a type. Which has added to my fears of my sexuality ☹️ Like you, I am very sensitive.

@ode Ya. I don’t forget about the others either - just definitely care way more about the one! And then I get mad at myself about it. Like why do I put so much energy into this?? I always am telling myself I have lots of friends. And better friends!! Haha. But it doesn’t seem to help alleviate the mind spiral.

@ode Ya. Guys are easy to be friends with and not have any of this come up for me. Never worried about offending or saying the wrong thing. I like your theory. That fits pretty bang on for me. I will be fine, maybe having a morning where I’m not worried or anything, then she will send me a random text about nothing. Just a check in or often a link to something she wants to buy or a random IG post. I’ll reply - and if it’s radio silence… then the cycle starts all over again. If we have a good long chat then I’m ok. So it’s when something happens that triggers the fear that I’ve said or done something wrong or annoying, that then the compulsions start. Checking texts. See if she’s online and ignoring me. Checking her work schedule to see if maybe she is busy. All of that.. When I feel reassured then it’s alright. When I don’t, then it’s bad. And then I Question my sanity and why in the world this whole thing is even an issue?! And I’ve gotten to the point now where even though I want to hang out, I am a little afraid of it too. I’m so worried I can’t even be normal around her anymore cuz my mind is doing it’s mental gymnastics the whole time hyper analyzing everything. It’s exhausting.

@ode Thank you!! This has been so helpful for me. I think I’m spewing 2 years of feelings out right now. Haha. I will let you know if I get any advice. Does your therapist specialize in OCD??

@ode Ya there is prob a difference between understanding OCD and REALLY understanding and knowing how to treat it correctly. My appointment is with a local guy (he is someone in my area, not through NOCD, but is connected to an OCD clinic).