I've worked my brain into a pretzel

I'm 34/f. I take 200mg of Zoloft. I am also a teacher. I had a very bad spike back in April that resulted in me moving from Zoloft 150mg to 200mg. This past week we were about to go on fall break and I was stressed due to a fight with my mother and making assignments and grading things. On Tuesday I was making a quiz for my AP lit. Kids. The point of these tests are supposed to be super hard so I was having to create wrong answers for it. The quiz was over a poem about good and evil (because we are preparing to read Frankenstein) and I made this question: 3. The lines “they are a fundamental force/ within the hearts of men” implies Good and Evil are a result of Original Sin The concepts of Good and Evil only exist because they were created by humans Humans will always be coerced by both Good and Evil Free will does not affect the strength of Good and Evil It was response B that I created that immediately made me have a panic attack. My brain spiraled. If these are human concepts, then what stops us from being evil? What if I start being evil and hurting people as a result? And then to test myself, I would think of something evil I could do and see if that gave me anxiety. Sometimes it would, but most of the time it didn't, so not have anxiety made me feel like something was wrong. Since then I have felt flat and of course have tried to think about harming someone and then judging my reaction. I talked with my best friend about it today who brought up how even in the animal kingdom, they don't kill their own (without necessity) and this calmed me for a while but it came back later with a vengeance. I tried to think that my lack of panic was probably due to the Zoloft working "in some ways" but the flatness made me worried that like I was starting to not care about anything? Like a sociopath? And then I was worried about my meds not working or this being something else. I usually have spikes every 2 years or so, but this is just 9 months after the other so that's weird. Can anyone relate?

Dee C

Date posted: 2y

From time to time I become confused with the words ‘doubt & uncertainty’. I bring this up because my ocd thoughts sometimes center around me doubting I have ocd. Then my existential thoughts start to spike. And to keep me grounded the word ‘ego-dystonic’ comes to mind. Which reminds me that ocd is presenting issues that are opposite to my core values. I’m no expert but perhaps this may be what you’re experiencing…that which is totally opposite of the person you are. Hope this helps you.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 2y

Yes. That is similar with the themes Ive often moved between: schiz-OCD, exestenial OCD, wondering if I did something and not remembered and I'll "wake up" later. I've even had a theme about language and like "where are my thoughts coming from? How does memory work?" Each new theme feels very real and like "you can't come back from this one" but I've always have.

alondra.zoe

Date posted: 2y

I’ve never been on medication, and I’m considering going on it once I start therapy again. I don’t know if it’s my brain trying to protect itself, but it’s been four months now where I’ve “relapsed,” and I haven’t felt fully myself. I recently got engaged and at times I’m excited, but I just constantly have this uneasy feeling where I feel like I’m not myself and like something is just off, and like you said flat. I don’t panic anymore and don’t have panic attacks thank God 🥺 but I just feel much of anything, it’s like how Ronald Wesley states in HP 3 when the dementors enter the train, I feel like I’d never be cheerful again. And these flatness also makes me think like is this what sociopaths feel, am I becoming one, and since I’ve never felt this foreign to myself and to everything around me I too worry if this is something else. Just thought I’d share, so you don’t feel as lonely.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 2y

How old are you? I went several years (7 or 8) starting when I was 18 without meds and some therapy. It wasn't until the birth of my son did I actually get medication. I was 26 then

alondra.zoe

Date posted: 2y

I’m 33, and this is the worst I’ve ever felt it to be. I recall my first “signs,” of ocd when I was 7 or 8 years old. I was always a super sensitive and emotional child, my poor mother didn’t know what to tell me or how to help me. Anywho I didn’t see it as OCD back then, but now I realize what it was. In 2018 another bad episode, recently in 2021 and now 06/2022 and it’s been present ever since.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 2y

Just last night I made a list of my relapses: Sep 2014, May 2016, June 2018, Dec 2019, June 2020, April 2022. Sometimes this was due to changing my medication dosage or missing too many doses and sometimes it was due to seemingly nothing. On average they last about 2 weeks, so I am hoping a week from today I'll feel better but then of course OCD is like "nope. You're stuck this way forever."

alondra.zoe

Date posted: 2y

Mine usually last weeks and months, this time it’s def the worst I’ve felt, that’s why even tho I’ve been so apprehensive at starting medication. I’m willing to give it a try. Stay strong, we got this 💕

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 2y

Medicine can do wonders. I am hoping this will pass for me and for you soon.

Lena1998

Date posted: 25w

Harm OCD made worse by psychiatrist visit

I went to talk to a psychiatrist based off my Nocd therapists recommendation. I had a very hard week beforehand where I had anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my bed. It seems like once I get my period my anxiety and everything dissipated some so I talked to the psychiatrist. Anyways, I was immediately put off by her because she told me she didn't have any information on me included in the referral for one reason or another. So I had to basically "fill her in" on my life story. I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD. I told her these things and how hard the last week had been. She started asking questions like I had bipolar disorder, which I don't have. She then wanted me to take buspar and Zoloft TOGETHER daily. I know for a fact you never start two medications daily at once. You don't know which one is causing symptoms if you do. So I immediately didn't like that. I asked her about Zoloft specifically daily because it is an SSRI what I should do if it gave me thoughts of harm for myself. She told me "just go to the hospital".... Now, I don't wanna say that was the worst possible thing she could have said to me, but it was. Because now my OCD is spiraling that just my general harm OCD thoughts are enough to mean I need to go to the hospital. It had been 2 days and I cannot stop obsessing that maybe I'm depressed or suicidal because of this. I know I don't want anything to happen to me. I love my family and my friends. I am scared of death. But the thought is sticky and it's been so, so frustrating. My anxiety has been so frustrating. I feel so lost and like nothing I'm trying to fix my issues is working very well. NOCD therapy has been one of the only things to help in the long term, but I still get terrified of certain obsessions like suicide. I don't really know what to do, if anyone has any advice or any personal experience that may help, anything would be nice right now. I've felt so lost trying to figure it all out.

nae nae

Date posted: 18w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

Yoooastro

Date posted: 10w

Zoloft question

Hello last year I had gone thru a very rough time In my life where I needed to be put on Zoloft 50mg around march 2024. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD. Ive been suffering from OCD since I was like 11 and depression since I was 19, but I never sought help until last year Im 27 because I knew I needed it to help me get thru life. I was on 3 months on Zoloft and I went to a trip to Miami which honestly helped me so much, I honestly attribute that trip to Miami in healing me more than the Zoloft it self. I met my current girlfriend there. After coming back I felt like a new person. I still kept taking the Zoloft 50mg until late April (2025) this year when I decided to tapper down to 25mg by my self without a doc recommendation, I didn’t feel anything during the month of may this year until like may 30th when I woke up in a panic and I felt like I was back at square 1 before I started Zoloft. Mind you ive been thru some life changes, I recently graduated RN school and my gf moved in with me. Ever since the end of may I’ve been very anxious, my OCD is on high gear and my depression too. I went back up to 50mg I’m seeing a new doc, my questions is has anyone gone thru a similar situation? If so what helped you and how long did it take you to stabilize ?

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I've worked my brain into a pretzel

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community