Struggling with persistent POCD and feeling overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts.

Feels like POCD just won’t go away

I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️

Username: HipHopAnonymous🦛 HipHopAnonym...

Date posted: 2y ago

🙁 I feel this post and I’m sorry your dealing with this. Shit sucks. Especially when it’s been that long. It’s good you’re going to do therapy. I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

This therapy has helped the biggest change in my POCD. It’s terrible, but with ERP you will realize how resilient you can become while sitting with anxiety and doing absolutely nothing to tame it in that moment. I can use this for any anxiety I feel now. Still working on it, I am confident it will get so much better with this practice. Practice makes progress and you will get through this, it will get better!!! With a therapist makes all the difference. Doing them on my own is important but having someone completely understand what’s going on in our minds and brain makes this easier. Because remember any mental illness is a physical traceable and provable brain malfunction. Which can also be healed to an extent, with help, time, and practice. They will guide you to face it, the only way is to look it in the face and it will feel less scary than you imagine ❤️ I wish all the best for you

Username: vondavonda

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey I relate with some stuff you’re saying. The main thing is you want help and you’re making sure you get it that’s all that matters. You’re not a bad person you’re just struggling with a different trial than other people. I have a question tho. (Did you ever have an experience as a kid getting molested yourself or molesting another kid ?) I ask because im trying to find out what triggers this ocd in the first place and I think it has something to do with that. Thanks for sharing. And know you’re not alone.

Username: LeaffLeaff

Date posted: 1y ago

(TW: discussion of molestation, though none actually happened) Thank you! For me I was never molested as a kid and did not molest anyone as a kid. This obsession first started when I was learning that I had Pure O and saw that pedophilic obsessions were listed as a type of though pure O sufferers can have. I was 17 at the time and had been a summer camp counselor for a few years at this point. The thought of it just really terrified me all the sudden and I just completely spiraled and made it worse. Maybe i spiraled so much because my anxiety was already so high from the other obsessions I was dealing with at the time, and also because it’s something that I really care about so it just really scared me? I don’t doubt that many people who were molested as a child/did something they didn’t understand was wrong as a child have this fear because they fear turning into that, but for me it did not come about that way.

Username: jelly

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

POCD

Username: anonymous567

Date posted: 2y ago

my POCD story

i have worked with children for 10 years. they are so important to me and my life. i think they are amazing. i know this is why OCD decided to target this and make me feel afraid of what i love and am good at and value in life. i have become so terrified of sexualizing or abusing a child, which is of course what my intrusive thoughts are about. some are verbal, others are visual. they are all horrible and panic inducing. my POCD was triggered by a movie i saw about a groomer/sexual predator. i also have PTSD from child abuse, some of which was sexual in nature. i became so scared of hurting a child the way i was hurt after seeing something similar onscreen, and started getting the intrusive thoughts. i googled my symptoms, and was able to book a call with NOCD almost immediately, and get diagnosed/educated/start ERP therapy. when POCD first struck, i had to miss work, i was vomiting and having panic attacks and unable to function, i couldnt look in the mirror, couldnt eat and got so thin, i looked awful because i couldnt groom properly, i abandoned my social life, i nearly resigned from my teaching position, almost took medical leave from my day job, (i was able to keep both jobs thanks to treatment), i could hardly leave my home, i was contemplating suicide, or contemplating leaving my working/social lives and moving back in with my abusive family and going on disability and never speaking to anyone ever again. every day was anguish and horror and pain. now, just 1 month of meds and ERP later, I am able to eat, socialize, take care of myself, go to work, have a will to live, and recognize that these thoughts are not representative of who I am, want, or believe. I am doing so much better, it is shocking. a couple of my friends know about my POCD and have been so amazing and caring and accepting--i could not be healing the way i am without them either. i feel incredibly lucky to have found the help that i have. I still cry multiple times every day and fall victim to the thoughts. they are just so difficult to "accept." but i am getting there. day by day, i improve, but sometimes it is like two steps forward and one step back. it is all still so distressing. it's been helpful to focus on living my values and not letting OCD stop me from doing what's good and important for me. this includes working with kids and being around my friends, two things that terrified me in the beginning. i live with so much shame, and feel like i have a horrible secret. this has been the worst thing i have ever been through. i hope to keep getting better and to surmount this entirely. i have hope now, which i have come to realize is invaluable. and i hope this gives you some too.

POCD

Username: CJW-182

Date posted: 35w ago

POCD

I’ve been struggling with POCD since I was 18 years old, I am now 22. It’s terrifying how quickly it switched from my ocd focusing on a fear of pregnancy, to magical thinking ocd, and then to POCD. I’ve been suffering with it so much so that I’ve convinced myself and have lost friends due to confession compulsions. I have major issues with ruminating, and it frequently goes hand in hand with my relationship OCD and my Suicidal thoughts OCD. (Worrying my partner will leave me because what if I am, and that I can’t take this anymore so I have to __) I often experience things like shame, guilt, grief, and intense emotional pain that manifests itself into nausea and heartburn and sometimes headaches. I’ve tried everything, so this app really is my last resort. I wish to find community here, to know that what I’m facing I’m not alone in my battles with. I know that I’m not, so why does my brain work so hard telling me I am? I love children, I always have. But I get so afraid of being near them. I want to get better. I want to be able to spend time with my family again.

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Struggling with persistent POCD and feeling overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts.

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