Feels like POCD just won’t go away

I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️

Username: HipHopAnonymous🦛 HipHopAnonym...

Date posted: 2y ago

🙁 I feel this post and I’m sorry your dealing with this. Shit sucks. Especially when it’s been that long. It’s good you’re going to do therapy. I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

This therapy has helped the biggest change in my POCD. It’s terrible, but with ERP you will realize how resilient you can become while sitting with anxiety and doing absolutely nothing to tame it in that moment. I can use this for any anxiety I feel now. Still working on it, I am confident it will get so much better with this practice. Practice makes progress and you will get through this, it will get better!!! With a therapist makes all the difference. Doing them on my own is important but having someone completely understand what’s going on in our minds and brain makes this easier. Because remember any mental illness is a physical traceable and provable brain malfunction. Which can also be healed to an extent, with help, time, and practice. They will guide you to face it, the only way is to look it in the face and it will feel less scary than you imagine ❤️ I wish all the best for you

Username: vondavonda

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey I relate with some stuff you’re saying. The main thing is you want help and you’re making sure you get it that’s all that matters. You’re not a bad person you’re just struggling with a different trial than other people. I have a question tho. (Did you ever have an experience as a kid getting molested yourself or molesting another kid ?) I ask because im trying to find out what triggers this ocd in the first place and I think it has something to do with that. Thanks for sharing. And know you’re not alone.

Username: LeaffLeaff

Date posted: 2y ago

(TW: discussion of molestation, though none actually happened) Thank you! For me I was never molested as a kid and did not molest anyone as a kid. This obsession first started when I was learning that I had Pure O and saw that pedophilic obsessions were listed as a type of though pure O sufferers can have. I was 17 at the time and had been a summer camp counselor for a few years at this point. The thought of it just really terrified me all the sudden and I just completely spiraled and made it worse. Maybe i spiraled so much because my anxiety was already so high from the other obsessions I was dealing with at the time, and also because it’s something that I really care about so it just really scared me? I don’t doubt that many people who were molested as a child/did something they didn’t understand was wrong as a child have this fear because they fear turning into that, but for me it did not come about that way.

Username: letsgo

Date posted: 5y ago

POCD TW. Need some help. Hey guys! I hope everyone is doing well as of lately. I’ve been doing ~decent~ better than I was say 4-5 months ago. Due to the Lexapro I’ve been on it’s definitely made a dent. But everyday is still a struggle. Lately I feel as if I’m faking all of my POCD. Everything started with one particular child. I don’t know exactly what, but it started to make me feel like I had feelings or something like that. I hated it. I’ve been an anxious mess since. The thing that’s bothering me is I don’t see much online about people’s OCD particularly targeting one person. I also have it about other children in general. But it’s heavily influenced by one. There is an hour that goes by that I’m not thinking something about the child, sexual or not sexual it can just be general things. My thoughts tell me I want to be around this child, they tell me to walk by her so she will notice me. I hate this and want this to end. I want to go back to myself in September when I was going on dates with girls my age, and thinking about that. I would NEVER hurt a child. Never wanted too. I just need support. I went to a OCD specialist back in January who told me she definitely thought I had OCD. I haven’t been able to go back because of my work schedule. But I want too. I just want to feel normal. Can anyone relate? Idk. I’m just depressed again.

POCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Been a rough one

It feels like the ocd has gotten to a point where it's just there in the background at all times. Even if im not having some POCD related thought it's like it's just taken away a part of me I feel i can't get back. I still go through the motions and try to joke around and be silly like i would normally. But its just hard to always feel this anxiety and uncertainty in the background. Sure, i can handle it. But what is that worth when you're just handling a slow persistent torture. Everywhere i go it's like i can't connect, seeing others happy and seemingly carefree makes me feel like an alien. Every morning for 8 months the OCD pops in within the first minute of the day. Doesn't have to even be a thought around POCD, though it usually is. Its just the general thought that i have this thing that i can't seem to get rid of and its making me a lesser version of myself. And on top of it all, i can't truly know if its OCD. Since its more "Pure-O" it feels hard to relate to others and their experiences with OCD. Just such a damn mess. This has happened before with other themes but this POCD thing feels like a demon on steroids.

Username: CJW-182

Date posted: 39w ago

POCD

I’ve been struggling with POCD since I was 18 years old, I am now 22. It’s terrifying how quickly it switched from my ocd focusing on a fear of pregnancy, to magical thinking ocd, and then to POCD. I’ve been suffering with it so much so that I’ve convinced myself and have lost friends due to confession compulsions. I have major issues with ruminating, and it frequently goes hand in hand with my relationship OCD and my Suicidal thoughts OCD. (Worrying my partner will leave me because what if I am, and that I can’t take this anymore so I have to __) I often experience things like shame, guilt, grief, and intense emotional pain that manifests itself into nausea and heartburn and sometimes headaches. I’ve tried everything, so this app really is my last resort. I wish to find community here, to know that what I’m facing I’m not alone in my battles with. I know that I’m not, so why does my brain work so hard telling me I am? I love children, I always have. But I get so afraid of being near them. I want to get better. I want to be able to spend time with my family again.

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Feels like POCD just won’t go away

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