venting

i want to vent here and tell my thoughts, but it might be a compulsion and im not doing it but i feel so so si bad with my rocd.

I've been struggling with ocd since I was 7. I'm 18 now and it feels like the older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. I don't know how to deal with it and i feel so lost and alone. Its hard for me to even say what my intrusive thoughts are or to even fully acknowledge it to myself in my head because im scared that if i put it out in the world itll be true or if i acknowledge the thought it solidifies it and makes it true. i feel like im just over exaggerating what im feeling and im turning something that isnt there into something bigger which makes it hard to talk about it with other people. Especially because im not diagnosed but I know it's ocd but what if it isnt? What if im lying to myself or I'm just doing it to get attention and I don't realize it? I just try to deal with it on my own but it's so hard and feels impossible. I feel like ocd has contaminated every part of my life that I enjoy. The things that used to bring me comfort are now filled with things that trigger my ocd and bring me anxiety.

What irritates me the most is that during intimacy with my husband, it happens that OCD puts an image and scene in my head, my sister or someone for whom my OCD is attached and it's literally as if that intimacy is happening with that person, and it seems real that I can and it's exciting! I'm working on ERP during that, but it's still hard to digest... I don't know if it's the same for you?