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MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Ruminating over porn

There is stuff I have watched in the past and within the last few years that has made me ruminate alot and hasade me doubt myself. I find a level of peace and calm but then my mind will travel to something I have seen in the past that was pornographic and while I have never looked for or desired to watched porn with children in i have seen hentai and I have seen some things that I ruminate if it was ok or not. I ahev asked therapists and friends and other family. And most surprisingly said I have nothing to worry about. Now I am not saying it is animated children but some were making ask was that ok, or was this too close for comfort. What does this mean or that mean about me. And even though I've mentioned this to other people mind mind uses this against me and says, " well you've watched it before, time to look up child porn!" Then I think I've never legitimately looked up anything like that and then I immediately doubt myself saying but what about this hentai? Was it close? How old was I when I watched it. Was it last year or the year before. If someone would classify what I watched was bad what is keeping me from doing it again if that's the case. Am I resisting the desire to watch that stuff or am I just dealing with intrusive thoughts. Am I just a monster in denial?

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 2y

Well hentai is made usually to mix adult and youthful characteristics together. This has a lot to do with Japan's beauty standards that revolve around youthfulness and being cute. Also in Japan it's common for high school to be some of the best years of their life since it's a very work till you drop dead kinda culture so that's why high school or younger characters are a major focus since that might of been their best years and possibly when they had the most chances to interact with the opposite sex. Now depending where you live, the laws regarding the legality of hentai are either very strict or in a gray area. The USA has a weird gray zone of how it's regulated which would leave someone even without ocd with some uncertainty but having ocd makes this a million times worse. But do keep in mind this is all fantasy, why you like it might have little to nothing to do with real world desires, they have unrealistic characteristics, they are cartoon characters. So it doesn't say much about what you'd do in real life especially since you already haven't done anything to real minors. So my advice would be if you want to continue watching hentai make sure it's not clearly stated they're underage and if how they're presented looks too questionable for you, there's a lot of much more big busted obviously adult looking characters as well. If its just too much to handle I'd recommend cutting out hentai and just watch anime since anime can be a exposure for you, it's much safer because at most usually it's just sexually suggestive and not full on porn so it gives you a way to face your fears without watching something that might just be too much for you to handle. And, if you're artistically skilled or want to be you could always just draw your own characters and make them whatever chacteristics you want that make you more comfortable.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

That definitely gives me perspective on things but my issue here is that my rumination is being fueled by the uncertainty of I would look at worse things compounded by the fact I get repeated intrusive thoughts to do so and I doubt if that is me or the thoughts. Also using those past experiences as proof of myself being a monster

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative Well even if you looked at worse things, you don't have to anymore. You can decide what things to feed or not. Even if let's say you are some perverted monster, you can always reduce your potential for harm. It doesn't mean the worst thing that could happen will happen, especially now that you're having a lot of discomfort with it. Something here feels like a danger to you. You have a right to change and feel happy with yourself that you're being the person you want to be now. Regardless if you were or weren't this monster you fear of.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Even entertaining that notion scares me

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Going from dealing with thoughts to the potential of here's how I can be safe around children and how I can mitigate myself around them is terrible

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 2y

Sure doesn't sound like you want to harm children. You're terrified of even the thought of it.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Not that it's your fault at all but I feel like im getting pretty anxious and stuck in a loop now. I probably will leave this for my therapist. I'll leave this topic alone for now and try to sit with the uncertainty. Have a good day

ImagineSisyp...

Date posted: 2y

Okay, hope you do too. This stuff is rough, take care of yourself.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

👍 😁

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Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

EndOCD!

Date posted: 16w

I don’t know what to do

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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