Feeling too okay?

So yesterday i went the whole day without posting on here. That is my biggest compulsion so i am super proud to have not done it. I went through it all yesterday and it was TOUGH. I had my regular harmful intrusive thoughts since i woke up, they ranged from images to questions to statements. I questioned who i was a million and one times and i kept repeatedly saying in my head what i value and then i kept telling myself that i was strong and can power through this. Today i feel okay, maybe too okay because it’s kind of scaring me. Earlier i seen a picture of Jeffery Dahmer (all of my intrusive thoughts/images revolve around him) on Facebook and it hardly bothered me. Like my mind actually said see that wasn’t so bad. And i felt okay. But then all of a sudden my mind went “what he DID wasn’t so bad” and now I’m freaking out because now I’m scared that I’m going to be like him because my mind told me that he wasn’t a bad person. When i obviously know that he was. And i feel nothing. Like i keep telling myself that i feel guilty for thinking these thoughts but i don’t feel guilty. I feel no anxiety towards a statement that was so extreme. And it’s scaring me. Like i feel good today. I had that one intrusive thought earlier and have felt okay the rest of my day. Now I’m scared that I like him as opposed to avoiding him at all costs because of what my mind said earlier. Can anyone relate? I’m nervous/scared even though i don’t feel any emotion at all :/

forya99

Date posted: 2y

Hey! :) You sound to be a bit obsessive-compulsive about this guy. And that's probably where your thoughts come from! You know that what he did (I don't know though as these things trigger me really hard) was wrong. And then you had a "bad" thought that's still just a thought. It doesn't mean you're going to be like him! Maybe you feel some amount of sympathy or compassion about him?

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@forya99 I honestly same as you didn’t know a whole lot about him until this new show came out. And i have never seen the show. I will not watch because of how my thoughts have been. It’s like my brain is recreating a tv show that I’ve never seen in my mind. And no i don’t think i feel any sort of sympathy towards him because i know what he did was beyond wrong and disgraceful. I just don’t feel as bothered by it anymore and that terrifies me because at least before i had some anxiety but now i feel nothing.

forya99

Date posted: 2y

@Anon17 Is that a bad thing though? I mean harm ocd has a lot to do with anxiety about harming others, hasn't it? Maybe once the anxiety is gone, the thoughts are gone as well? Or they might no impact on you anymore?

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@forya99 I understand this thank you. But i guess I’m more so scared of how fast it was. Like I’m not saying that I’m recovered by any means at all but i guess because I’m not in therapy or nothing and am just doing this on my own it seems scary how these thoughts don’t bother me as much. Like am i actually doing good with trying this on my own? Am i stopping it before it gets 10x worse? Is it possible to stop ocd in its tracts before it gets unbearable? I’ve only been dealing with this for about 3 months so I’m still processing how it all is.

forya99

Date posted: 2y

@Anon17 Wow, I'm impressed you're doing this on your own! I think it would be a good idea though to see a professional :).

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@forya99 Don’t get me wrong i have definitely thought of seeing a professional but i guess I’m just embarrassed if you will. Like no one in my family has ever had a mental health issue and nobody has ever gone to therapy. So for me to just out of the blue be like yeah i have to go to therapy would be really weird to tell my family. And also how do i tell them the thoughts or images that are popping up in my brain? Like yeah my brain is telling me that killing people is okay. I don’t think my family would a good reaction to that considering none of them have gone through it. I don’t know i guess I’m just trying to go through it in on my own because i know that nobody will understand. I know it sounds bad ☹️

forya99

Date posted: 2y

@Anon17 I'm sorry to hear it's so difficult for you :(. But there might come situations in which you think you can't take it anymore and that's when you need to talk to somebody. I can't really give you tips on how to open up to your family, because in mine it's pretty normal to have mental health problems. But somehow I doubt none of your family members had been depressive or had intrusive thoughts once in their life. I'm sure you're on a good path :)

Sam-OverOcd

Date posted: 2y

So weird. I had the same thought yesterday and have been panicking about it.

Anon17

Date posted: 2y

@samlynn99 So sorry. Glad I’m not alone on this one

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 22w

Scared, feel like I liked thought

Guys I feel a bit bothered. I fear I liked a thought bc my sister was showing me this video about a robbery and right before she was going to show me I was thinking "no... tsk this is not what I want to see. Dont think of anything." But i had to watch bc my sister was already playing the video. I tried to not pay as much attention. I hate watching videos that have stuff related to harm bc ocd loves to latch on. I got so many thoughts. But when I saw the person pull out a weapon and the cashier jump extremely high, I felt like laughing??? But not bc of what was going on but bc "why did he jump like that? It was so high! You know what? I would've jumped liked this too. That's scary!" And then I felt angry for the cashier bc why do evil people commit such things? How the heck? But ocd says i laughed bc I felt a sense of superiority and liked seeing people scared and want to feel a distorted sense of power. Like.. no? I knew I felt like laughing bc I didn't expect him to jump so high and I wanted to point it out but decided not to bc the video is serious, and it's not a movie. But I feel kinda guilty like why tf did I feel like laughing. I didn't even smile or actually laugh irl but it's bothering me. Then my sister showed me some other video and explained a specific weapon and I kept getting thoughts like "ohhh i want that! I wanna scare people too! I want to test the thoughts to double check if i actually like them" And it gave me an image of me doing something crazy like robbing a store as well! AND IT FELT REAL! I WASNT EVEN WANTING TO THINK THIS! Im worried this means its real or that i enjoyed the thought and fantasized, but at the same time ik im not actually interested nor do I have plans but what if I WANTED to for those few seconds?! Bc why did it FEEL like I enjoyed it??? I know I wouldn't, i dont have plans to nor do i want to think about making plans and I'm genuinely not interested but WHAT IF??? Did i enjoy this thought?! It felt like I wanted to bc I didn't immediately reject it like usual and for some reason felt "happy" (i didnt smile or anything but it FELT like i was happy???) Literally right after the thought came i was thinking to myself "OMG is that true?" And couldn't focus on anything else! How do I know I didnt genuinely enjoy and dont have some weird sense of power??? It's been bothering me so much, this happened a couple hours ago and I managed to fall asleep in the middle of my compulsion of mentally reviewing how I reacted to my thoughts.

Mariabae

Date posted: 21w

please read

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?

flowerpetals

Date posted: 17w

word vomit

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

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