- Date posted
- 2y
Partner has ROCD
My boyfriend has ROCD and it can get tough or discouraging at times but I’m in it for the long haul. Does anyone have any affirmations that help them?
My boyfriend has ROCD and it can get tough or discouraging at times but I’m in it for the long haul. Does anyone have any affirmations that help them?
Ask him what his thoughts are telling him, and treat them w caution- like u would if a child was telling u ab their nightmares, you’d be calm, kind& considerate. Stay like that and work through his thoughts w him, he might get overwhelmed or upset w himself but just stay calm and do ur best, that’s all u can do, it’s so lovely ur educating yourself- he’s v lucky to have u :)& also remember his thoughts and him are 2 different things, he would love u w all his heart and still have these thoughts, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love u tho, I wish u both luck xx
Thank you these comments are very helpful I appreciate you taking the time type this out!
Do you have ROCD? aswell or are you trying to educate yourself?
I don’t I’m educating myself
@Heyhowareya Personally i have ROCD, It’s honestly torture.. i’m not your boyfriend so i’m not sure how it’s like for him but i know personally i fear the abandonment, I fear that I don’t do enough for them, i shame myself over mini mistakes that someone who does have it, i find myself over explaining my feelings so they could understand, if i don’t over explain i’ll completely over think anything until someone else brings it up, constant reassurance is helpful but not good if he wants to get better. Do small actions to make him feel cared about because ROCD really mushes reality to false reality. He can be looping and scared that he will loose you for hours then question if he loves you- then he will feel so guilty for every thinking he doesn’t love you so he try’s to make it up by trying to relief the Ocd by impulsively trying to make things right to you telling you perhaps just so he can feel better which could offend you. BEST thing to do is reassure by actions just say “everything is going to be okay” i been with my boyfriend he doesn’t have ROCD he also knows my ocd is very very difficult for me so he just tells me that everything is going to be OK nothing more than that and he hugs me and then he kisses me and then he just reminds me that everything’s gonna be OK and that my thoughts and worries aren’t reality and the reality is that he’s here and i don’t need to worry about the What ifs
From the tone of your post I deduce he has the "avoidance" type of ROCD - i.e. he questions *his* love/attachment/behavior and not so much yours. I think you want to get to a place where you are sure not to give reassurance (unless he is really spiraling and in bad shape) and encourage him to tolerate the anxiety/uncertainty without resorting to compulsions. The key is really being able to sit with and habituate to the intrusive thoughts. Things that help me: "A thought is just a thought." "You are not always your thoughts." "You can tolerate intrusive thoughts". "You can tolerate uncertainty". "Love is action not feelings". "Love is action not thoughts." "You don't need 100% certainty to act in life." For your own psyche - it helps to view it as an unhelpful pattern of thinking that can attach itself to basically anything. It's not about you. Many of us have had many different obsessive-compulsive themes. It's about fundamentally being able to face fears and tolerate anxiety without resorting to compulsions. I have/had attachment ROCD - lived together, got married recently, going to start a family. Keep your chin up!
Meant to say I have/had *avoidance* ROCD.
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love, however if you are living with Relationship OCD (ROCD) this can be a very triggering day. Relationship OCD is essentially, the fear of being in the wrong relationship, not truly loving your partner, or not being loved by your partner. This makes you doubt the true nature of your relationship and makes you believe that your entire relationship is based on lies. It can make you feel like a bad person and not worthy of love. ROCD will make you believe that you need to leave the relationship just to find some peace. When we think about ROCD we often think that this only applies to romantic relationships, however ROCD can impact friendships and family relationships as well. ROCD will attack whatever relationship is most important to you. As an ERP therapist some of the most common obsessions that I have seen include “Is my partner ‘The One’”? “Maybe I am meant to be with someone else”. “What if my partner cheats on me or worse I cheat on him/her”? “I find X attractive. Should I break up with my partner and be with X”? “Do I even love my partner? What if they don’t love me?” This list could go on and on. The basis of all of these intrusive thoughts is fear and doubt. The compulsions associated with ROCD are vast. The most common include checking feelings to make sure you really love your partner, avoidance behaviors, reassurance seeking behaviors both from your partner and from others and ruminating on the relationship in the hopes of figuring out if this is the “right” relationship for you. ROCD, as in most theses in OCD, wants 100% uncertainty that this relationship will work out with no conflict or compromise. The problem is this is unrealistic. All relationships will have some level of conflict and compromise in them. There is no “perfect relationship”. Most of us have grown up with fairy tales where one true love will come and sweep up off our feet. Life and relationships can be messy and complicated, but they are worth it and are a key aspect of what makes us human. The fact is ROCD makes you doubt everything and will take the joy, excitement and contentment out of the relationship. The good news is that treatment is available, and it is possible to have a long, happy, fulfilling relationship despite ROCD fears. It does take time, perseverance and patience. Treatment using Exposure Response Prevention has been proven to lessen intrusive thoughts. You will learn to manage your expectations of the relationships while leaning into your fears and learning to accept the uncomfortable feelings. By doing this, you can bring joy and contentment back into you life and your relationships. I'd love to hear about how ROCD is showing up for you. Share your experiences in the comments below or ask your questions about ROCD and I will respond to them.
Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!
Hey guys! My boyfriend has said recently that he doesn't know if he's strong enough to continue with our relationship because of my OCD. He wants to see me overcome my symptoms and learn to live a healthy life with OCD, but my anxieties and obsessions are starting to really affect his life. I understand his reasoning, it's hard to see someone you care about struggle with OCD, especially when it starts to affect you too. I'm asking for tips to deal with my compulsions in the relationship. I HAVE to know the answer to things and sometimes that leads into arguments because even with apologies and discussions I can't let things go, even if they genuinely don't matter or are miniscule issues we have. It's a healthy relationship otherwise but I feel horrible because it's impacting him so negatively, that's the absolute last thing I want to happen. I care for him deeply and he cares for me too, so I don't want my OCD to be a reason we break up but I fear it's headed in that direction. I'm starting therapy soon, but until then what are some things I can do to stop my ROCD from impacting him? I know sitting in the guilt and anxiety of not completing my obsessions will help, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to maybe remedy some of the damage already done.
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