reply pls, kinda panicking.

i didn't get a response so i'm reposting, i'd really like another persons perspective... idk if what i write will make sense but i am scared of my ability to prolong and intensify / increase the vividness of the physical and mental feelings and thoughts i am experiencing to the point i think since i am doing something willingly that feels so horrific it makes me a bad person who did actually something bad. especially when this has to do with sxual thoughts that i absolutely despise. idk if it's a compulsion but it almost feels unavoidable (is it a compulsion?) let me explain like once my brain feels/knows i'm extra scared to imagine and feel something i get this anticipatory anxiety that just won't leave me alone until i undergo / get through what feels like the most disturbing, vivid level of my own thoughts and feelings and i can control that to a degree where i hyperfixate on my sensations and thoughts and it plays out and prolongs which feels so awful and real and then i'm like hold up i really just did that intentionally i feel traumatized and so grossed out. esp if i hold my breath for some reason i noticed my bodily feelings and mental images are more vivid and i feel so guilty for it. i've done so many exposures and i can't get over this fear of my own ability to purposefully be able to think really hard and manipulate the intensity of my most darkest thoughts that it disturbingly impacts both my body and mind, physical and mental reactions. is this common? is it a compulsion? what am i doing wrong and what should i do.

I can’t feel happy I can’t forget how these thoughts felt and I’m actually believing I’m bad, I imagined my intrusive thoughts about stabbing on purpose it felt like I know how it feels to do that physical action and I like how it feels and then I got this feeling like I was suddenly really happy or excited about it like I discovered why evil people get a thrill out of doing evil things and it’s sticking with me I can’t forget about it or argue with it or get rid of it normally I can find reasons to know it’s not true and forget about it but this time it felt like the feeling actually came from me as if I genuinely felt happy and thought it would be enjoyable or pleasurable/appealing to do that evil thing it doesn’t feel ego dystonic i feel abnormal like im pretending to be normal I don’t even have much anxiety I just hate my life im having this i don’t know what to do unless I can find a reason to move on and think no that wasn’t real then I can’t move on everytime I rember how it felt or that feeling of being happy it feels like oh my god like I can the saved or helped please I need a solution. If it’s true that I actually felt like that horrible thing could be enjoyable can I be helped? No I can’t that means I’m bad and now I can’t be helped and have to be in a mental home because I swear it felt like it was me who felt happy not a fake feeling and I’m jsut fighting against it because I wasn’t always evil but I swear it feels like I actually liked it and it appealed to me I don’t know how to deal with this

i understand that i need to resist compulsions and i understand that intrusive thoughts are not true to who you are but i still feel like a monster and i don’t know what to do, My boyfriend is the best boyfriend ever and i know i want to be with him forever but lately i’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting his feelings or doing something terrible and even though i know i would never i just can’t seem to accept that these thoughts don’t make me a monster..